Wednesday, August 20, 2008

If there are gods, they must be drunk.

Not a lot of time today. The baby is going to the doctor soon. Here are my takes on what you’re ordering at a bar. These rules are, unfortunately, somewhat phallocentric since, as a general rule, women can get away with drinking whatever the fuck they want at a bar. This is in no way a guide to what tastes best, it’s more how you’re being perceived. Ladies, for better or worse, you’re being perceived as having tits and an ass, so what you drink is kind of irrelevant most of the time. Guys, you’re being scrutinized a little more, by everyone, so this is what they’re all thinking, if they think just like me.
Oh, for the homosexual version of this chart, take the guy advice (below) and apply it for lesbians and take the girl advice (above) and replace the word “tits” with “dick” and apply it for dudes. Cheers!

PBR, Old Style, Black Label, Natty Boh, Lone Star, Iron City, Yuengling, or any 40oz or somewhat unique beer offering (Mickey’s grenades/Tecate in cans etc.)

These are absolutely the best things you can order as a male in a bar. Firstly, if the bar you’re in doesn’t have one of these, or the local equivalent, well, the bar is lame. Is there a martini list? See? Lame. Local flavor (at least in the packaging/historical sense. Yes, these are all owned by Miller now, I think, and yeah, globalization this and that, but still), inexpensive, probably what the bartender is drinking. You can’t go wrong with a simple local beer. Cool, odd packages are always good too. There’s nothing like drinking a forty at a bar. You’ll feel like Diddy.

Miller Highlife and Budweiser.
These are decent alternatives. Highlife is great cold and terrible warm, and it’s got that sleek bottle that encourages fast drinking. It’s also got the most alcohol of any ‘American style’ cheap beer, so yeah. Budweiser is just so ubiquitous that it’s kind of like getting one of those beers from the movies that just says "beer" on the can. It’s not cool, but it’s not uncool either. You can’t really fuck with a guy for getting a Bud. It’s like fucking with someone for liking football. You’ll just come off looking like an effete hipster douchebag with a small penis and something to prove.

After these come your Miller light, bud light, MGD, and any other standard American crap. Here’s the thing. If you order a Bud Light, you’re dull, and you’re a wimp to boot. It’s a Bud with a “but I don’t wanna be fat” clause. Here’s a tampon for your beer. Miller Lite is a girl beer, because it’s famous for being so low in carbs, so you look kind of gay with a Miller Lite, but you’re probably evening that out a little by not being quite as sloppy, midsection wise, as Bud Light guy. If you’re drinking MGD, you’re almost certainly Mexican and just off of a construction site. Rolling rock is just a sad play for attention. Busch, well, actually Busch can go in the top category (cool, cheap, local), or it can mean you’re homeless, just kind of depending.

Are you drinking a Guinness? Are you fat and bald? Then it’s so lame that it hurts. Sorry, but there’s nothing douchier than being one of those guys who comes in wearing a soccer scarf, sits by the Guinness tap and orders a pint. Nah, that’s not true. There’s lamer stuff out there. For example:

…those crappy beers that are just so popular with people who think they want something off the wall, but they’re really just garbage. Blue Moon, Stella, Sierra Nevada, I’m looking in your direction. These beers are the liquid equivalent of Taco Bell. They’re gross, they’re hugely popular and technically, they’re doing something that’s “outside the bun” but it still kind of sucks. If you’re drinking this beer, look around at your friends. If they’re all drinking this shit too, you’re a bunch of dorks. If you’re the only one, they talk about you when you go pee.

Actual good foreign beer (non Latin America category): this could go either way. You’re a connoisseur, or you’re a dipshit who just backpacked around Europe, or you’ve got an Asian girl fetish or you’re in college and you’re ‘expanding your horizons’ or you’re bored of the regular shit. Hard to say, really. Wanna keep ‘em guessing? Get a Czechvar or a Grolsch.

Mexican/South American Beer- If it’s hot, you drink Latin American beer. No worries there. This also goes for Red Stripe. In the winter, if you’re drinking Corona, you look like the kind of person that gets plastic surgery and has gross fetishes that he makes his assistants act out.

American microbrews- You are a turd. You are such a stuck up hippy turd that I don’t even want to waste time telling you why your dumb ‘blueberry pie’ beer is retarded. You’ll just look down your nose, through your gross beard, over your tattered poncho and stupid sandals at me anyway and say, “what a close minded asshole. This Chocolate-cinnamon oatmeal stout with butter cream foam is absolutely great.” Nope, it’s gross, and you’re gross too. Dumb hippies.

Wine- Fine with dinner, kind of creepy at the bar. Just sayin.

Cocktails: If it’s night, you should probably be drinking whiskey. If you’re drinking vodka, it’s gotta be unflavored and like whiskey, with soda water or on the rocks are the only acceptable ways to go. No matter what your situation, no flavored liquor, and no fucking around with anything that contains sour mix or fruit. You’re only allowed to have a drink mixed with soda pop if it’s before three pm and you’re only allowed to have something with redbull if it’s specified that you want it strong and it’s obvious you’re hung over from a long night partying with synthetic drugs (though this isn’t exactly winning you any points with anyone either). Vodka and fruit juice is kind of a grey area. It can be fine, or super dorky, pretty much depending on the shape of the cocktail glass.

Gin is either classy or dangerous. Either way, that’s not a bad thing.

Rum is for pirates, sorority girls and mixing with coke in the morning when your head hurts. Keep it to a minimum, folks. People who order rum and diet are stupid. Rum is made from sugar. That’s like ordering a decaf while you’re smoking crack.

As far as shots go, Jagerbombs can go either way, but usually, they’re for dorks and cokeheads, so, there’s essentially a long, dull story at the bottom of every one, regardless, so watch out. RumpleMinze is for perverts, but it’s also great. Any form of blended (or chilled) shot is okay ONLY if a girl buys the round of them without asking you (actually, this goes for anything otherwise unacceptable, in round form, it's fine, provided you didn't order the round). If you’re drinking SoCo lime, you are disgusting…just absolutely disgusting. Shots of tequila are always fine. Shots of things like rum, gin, triple sec, amaretto, etc. are what sixteen-year-old kids with fake ID’s, middle eastern princes and serial killers drink.
Now, getting briefly back to whiskey- Jack Daniels is gross. This is the shot your dad orders when you go out for your graduation and he looks at you with that “your old man’s not such a square now, huh?” kind of look. It’s like the liquor equivalent of being Tim Allen in Wild Hogs. Jameson is for dumb hipsters and college boys who think they like good shit, but really like imported garbage juice. I said it before and I’ll say it again. Just because poop gets shipped overseas for consumption, that doesn’t make it any better than it was when it was just a freshly shat out pile of poop back home. Jameson is gut rot, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that crazy, crazy drunks like Jameson too, so there’s that.
Canadian Whiskey is the “I’m not fucking around here” choice, except when it comes to 7 and 7s and shit like that. That’s already been covered as unacceptable, so I’m really talking shots, rocks, or neat at this point. Drinking VO, 7 or Canadian Club is a little like drinking gas and actually, it’s a lot like Canada. It’s a lot more burly than you give it credit for.
The best whiskey is from Kentucky. That’s just all there is to it. Bourbon is the way to go if you’re drinking, and it’s one of the few areas where the fancy crap isn’t really that effete and pretentious. Bulliet is about the best shit I’ve ever tried (thank you Katie Degroote!), but Jim Beam isn’t far behind.
Jager is for fat people with brown stained teeth, tongues and breath.

Okay, so there you go. I’ve failed to cover lots of stuff, but I’m sure I’ll expand this a lot as time goes on. Get out there and make me proud, people!


grilled cheese said...

Revellin' in the madness you and I! Raygun rules.

While you were in Colorado did you get to fulfill your 'fucking at a horse farm while your family gets drunk nearby' fantasy?

Also, Suzanne's confession is SO TRUE! We totally know they want to fuck us; and the thing is we're thinking about fucking them too. Honestly. If we are even slightly attracted to our male friends, the thought has crossed our minds. A lot. Just sayin.

Anonymous said...

reminds me of that scene in the Great Escape where Steve McQueen is making moonshine with the potatoes taken from the nazis. "AMERICAN MOONSHINE! DONT SMOKE AFTER YOU DRINK"

Anonymous said...

Nice list. However, and this just for curiosity, where does the Silver Bullet stand? I drink PBR, Old Style, and Coors Light. Is my beer selection all over the fucking place or am still centralized in one place? Go Cubbies.

Anonymous said...

I'm really happy that you put Iron City into you're group of good man beers to drink. I'm from Pittsburgh, and it really doesn't get much love even here, but it's really pretty good. Local is better. I also agree that High Life is a great substitute. Yuengling's not bad...but it's from Philly...yuck, and it costs more than it should. As far as Rolling Rock is concerned, if you're caught drinking it in western PA, you're dragged into the street and beaten for being a traitor (see Anheuser-Busch purchases Rolling Rock), or atleast you should be. I'm an Iron, PBR, Black-Label, High Life man. Old Style is decent, but its hard to get here.Honestly, it comes down to what they have at the bar, because around here, you're lucky to find a bar that even has Iron City on tap, let alone other cheaper beers even in bottles or cans.
I'm trying to expand my horizons by drinking more vodka and whiskey straight (rocks), but it's rough at times. My band mates drink that stuff alot so it's around alot. I'm hoping it grows on me, cause it really does the trick. I really feel that cheap whiskeys are best. Ten High and Old Grand-dad are my faves. Here is a question for you: which do you prefer? Just hanging out, drinking on the porch with friends or going out, and doing the same thing at a bar. (Dive bars included. Dive bars are really the only kind of bars to drink at in my opinion.)

Troy said...

When you have a Bud of any sort you deserve to be bombarded with insults. Hell, any American beer tastes like balls and I disapprove you recommending them.

Anonymous said...

My dog is named Jack Daniels...after my dad's favorite whiskey. I can assure you that my dog isn't gross though.

Craig said...

I can agree with everything except the beer stuff(blueberry pie excluded.)

Anonymous said...

What's the liquor equivalent of being Martin Lawrence in Big Momma's House 2?

Anonymous said...

long islands? more bang for your buck... thats all that counts. plus, beer isn't drinking... right? way to waste half the blog, man.

get on with some '59 sound critique, aiight?


Craig said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Geeez Bren...looks like we've got some haters in the house eh? Hey, well fuck em' anyway. That's just more Pabst and Jim Beam for the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

By the way....coors light maybe light yellow bubbly water, but i have to say, as far as cheap ole american beers go, Coors Extra Gold is not bad. Coors Original Banquet Beer is quite nice too, when it's on sale. I put em in the first cat.

sheila said...

foster's oil forgot about those. i'd put 'em in the same category as the forties, i suppose (even though they are 25 or so oz.). the ladies' equivalent of a forty, perhaps?...i used to work at a restaurant that sold them as singles to go, and we'd get a free drink after work, so i opt for the oil can when i was feeling froggy. ho hum.

Matt Ramone said...

What is your opinion of jazz music?

P.S Don't Write said...

I'm so glad I'm a chick and therefore can drink whatever the hell I want. I mostly stick to Brooklyn Lager or whiskey/whisky mixed with either coke or ginger ale.


John said...

I agree with most of the stuff, except on microbrews. In Boston we have some microbrew beers that are 12% ABV. Hell yeah.

nchipman said...

What's the difference between "soda water" and "soda pop"? It could just be that I don't know because I'm from Milwaukee and we seem to have different names for everything than everyone else (drinking fountains / bubblers, ect.) but I always thought soda water and soda pop were just two different names for the same thing.

M said...

grilled cheese is right on!
not all chicks would deny that they think about bonin their buddies.
if our guy friends (single, married, or in a relationship) are semi-good lookin then you betchya we've thought about fuckin. we sit there next to them at the bar daydreamin of what it would be like...painting a vivid picture in our heads. guys arent the only pervs!
comes a time in a gals life when she needs to quit bein so god damn picky and just GET LAID!!! (talkin to myself there) its quite frusturating!

what do they say?..the average guy thinks about sex every 7 minutes?...ha im every 7 seconds!

Seagull Steve said...

I agree with about 80% of this. It looks like there is a strong Chicago-slant to all this, which makes it pretty interesting. However.....

Budweiser? C'mon. That shit is for dudes standing around in a sports bar wondering if all the other dudes in the bar have bigger dicks than they do.

Fruit beer = bad. But if you want to write off all microbrews because of a few with bad taste, its like writing off all mexican food because you got mud butt once. Missing out.

Sierra Nevada is the go-to beer in California. I dont love it (and its owned by the same company that owns Bud...), but you cant really hate it.

I drink Jameson like water. If you are interested in consuming vast amounts of whiskey in a short amount of time (which most good people are), this is a good bet. Also, ladies who dont normally drink whiskey seem to like it for some reason....its a good stepping stone before diving into the world of whiskey.

Finally.....Jager does have its purpose. If you are in the mood for a good blackout, this is the shortcut (the low road, of course).

I just remembered Im at work. Jesus. Keep the good reading material comin', its good shit.

John Barrett said...

What about the guy who is so self-conscious about what he drinks, that he goes on blogs to find out what people think?

Eric said...

beware the california hipster bar, where you can order a PBR tall can in a paper bag. sounds cool in principle but when they all have their ray-bans on at 11pm and are singing along to journey, something just ain't right.

better to get a pint glass full of vodka, barf in the corner, and then get the hell out.

Anonymous said...

nice natty boh mention.

Suzanne said...

There's this one old guy at the bar where I work that drinks Black Russians.. but he's so old he totally pulls it off with style.. I mean, you're not really going to fuck with a 60 year old bearded, white haired biker.. even if he does drink something mixed..

I think you forgot to mention Sam Adams, because to me, that's a whole separate category of suck..

Bonus Cupped said...

Hmmm...hint of beverage based xenophobia here mate! How can you talk whiskey and not go into any of the Scottish ones?
Also go anywhere outside the US and ask which country you'd least want to be in with a chronic beer thirst? That's right, America. Yes, you may say that the taps in Somalia or Yemen are probably a bit dry, but i'd rather drink from the horse trough than have a Bud. Also Bud are real industry bullies.

Anyway, good blog Brendan.

Katie said...

I have yet to see Yuengling in this city (except for a dusty can behind the bar at the L&L) and it makes me sad....Oh, and Early Times is acceptable when you convince the bartender at Club Foot to give you 2 for 1's since your spending your last measly five bucks on shots on a Sunday night.

David Dunnem said...


don't forget to mention/plug:
it's only the best brewery someone you know owns and operates.

timziegler said...

Howabout Fleishman's Brandy and Sun Drop? That's what I drink when I'm waterskiing with my ex-juvie-con meth-head buds.