Not a lot of time today. The baby is going to the doctor soon. Here are my takes on what you’re ordering at a bar. These rules are, unfortunately, somewhat phallocentric since, as a general rule, women can get away with drinking whatever the fuck they want at a bar. This is in no way a guide to what tastes best, it’s more how you’re being perceived. Ladies, for better or worse, you’re being perceived as having tits and an ass, so what you drink is kind of irrelevant most of the time. Guys, you’re being scrutinized a little more, by everyone, so this is what they’re all thinking, if they think just like me.
Oh, for the homosexual version of this chart, take the guy advice (below) and apply it for lesbians and take the girl advice (above) and replace the word “tits” with “dick” and apply it for dudes. Cheers!
PBR, Old Style, Black Label, Natty Boh, Lone Star, Iron City, Yuengling, or any 40oz or somewhat unique beer offering (Mickey’s grenades/Tecate in cans etc.)
These are absolutely the best things you can order as a male in a bar. Firstly, if the bar you’re in doesn’t have one of these, or the local equivalent, well, the bar is lame. Is there a martini list? See? Lame. Local flavor (at least in the packaging/historical sense. Yes, these are all owned by Miller now, I think, and yeah, globalization this and that, but still), inexpensive, probably what the bartender is drinking. You can’t go wrong with a simple local beer. Cool, odd packages are always good too. There’s nothing like drinking a forty at a bar. You’ll feel like Diddy.
Miller Highlife and Budweiser.
These are decent alternatives. Highlife is great cold and terrible warm, and it’s got that sleek bottle that encourages fast drinking. It’s also got the most alcohol of any ‘American style’ cheap beer, so yeah. Budweiser is just so ubiquitous that it’s kind of like getting one of those beers from the movies that just says "beer" on the can. It’s not cool, but it’s not uncool either. You can’t really fuck with a guy for getting a Bud. It’s like fucking with someone for liking football. You’ll just come off looking like an effete hipster douchebag with a small penis and something to prove.
After these come your Miller light, bud light, MGD, and any other standard American crap. Here’s the thing. If you order a Bud Light, you’re dull, and you’re a wimp to boot. It’s a Bud with a “but I don’t wanna be fat” clause. Here’s a tampon for your beer. Miller Lite is a girl beer, because it’s famous for being so low in carbs, so you look kind of gay with a Miller Lite, but you’re probably evening that out a little by not being quite as sloppy, midsection wise, as Bud Light guy. If you’re drinking MGD, you’re almost certainly Mexican and just off of a construction site. Rolling rock is just a sad play for attention. Busch, well, actually Busch can go in the top category (cool, cheap, local), or it can mean you’re homeless, just kind of depending.
Are you drinking a Guinness? Are you fat and bald? Then it’s so lame that it hurts. Sorry, but there’s nothing douchier than being one of those guys who comes in wearing a soccer scarf, sits by the Guinness tap and orders a pint. Nah, that’s not true. There’s lamer stuff out there. For example:
…those crappy beers that are just so popular with people who think they want something off the wall, but they’re really just garbage. Blue Moon, Stella, Sierra Nevada, I’m looking in your direction. These beers are the liquid equivalent of Taco Bell. They’re gross, they’re hugely popular and technically, they’re doing something that’s “outside the bun” but it still kind of sucks. If you’re drinking this beer, look around at your friends. If they’re all drinking this shit too, you’re a bunch of dorks. If you’re the only one, they talk about you when you go pee.
Actual good foreign beer (non Latin America category): this could go either way. You’re a connoisseur, or you’re a dipshit who just backpacked around Europe, or you’ve got an Asian girl fetish or you’re in college and you’re ‘expanding your horizons’ or you’re bored of the regular shit. Hard to say, really. Wanna keep ‘em guessing? Get a Czechvar or a Grolsch.
Mexican/South American Beer- If it’s hot, you drink Latin American beer. No worries there. This also goes for Red Stripe. In the winter, if you’re drinking Corona, you look like the kind of person that gets plastic surgery and has gross fetishes that he makes his assistants act out.
American microbrews- You are a turd. You are such a stuck up hippy turd that I don’t even want to waste time telling you why your dumb ‘blueberry pie’ beer is retarded. You’ll just look down your nose, through your gross beard, over your tattered poncho and stupid sandals at me anyway and say, “what a close minded asshole. This Chocolate-cinnamon oatmeal stout with butter cream foam is absolutely great.” Nope, it’s gross, and you’re gross too. Dumb hippies.
Wine- Fine with dinner, kind of creepy at the bar. Just sayin.
Cocktails: If it’s night, you should probably be drinking whiskey. If you’re drinking vodka, it’s gotta be unflavored and like whiskey, with soda water or on the rocks are the only acceptable ways to go. No matter what your situation, no flavored liquor, and no fucking around with anything that contains sour mix or fruit. You’re only allowed to have a drink mixed with soda pop if it’s before three pm and you’re only allowed to have something with redbull if it’s specified that you want it strong and it’s obvious you’re hung over from a long night partying with synthetic drugs (though this isn’t exactly winning you any points with anyone either). Vodka and fruit juice is kind of a grey area. It can be fine, or super dorky, pretty much depending on the shape of the cocktail glass.
Gin is either classy or dangerous. Either way, that’s not a bad thing.
Rum is for pirates, sorority girls and mixing with coke in the morning when your head hurts. Keep it to a minimum, folks. People who order rum and diet are stupid. Rum is made from sugar. That’s like ordering a decaf while you’re smoking crack.
As far as shots go, Jagerbombs can go either way, but usually, they’re for dorks and cokeheads, so, there’s essentially a long, dull story at the bottom of every one, regardless, so watch out. RumpleMinze is for perverts, but it’s also great. Any form of blended (or chilled) shot is okay ONLY if a girl buys the round of them without asking you (actually, this goes for anything otherwise unacceptable, in round form, it's fine, provided you didn't order the round). If you’re drinking SoCo lime, you are disgusting…just absolutely disgusting. Shots of tequila are always fine. Shots of things like rum, gin, triple sec, amaretto, etc. are what sixteen-year-old kids with fake ID’s, middle eastern princes and serial killers drink.
Now, getting briefly back to whiskey- Jack Daniels is gross. This is the shot your dad orders when you go out for your graduation and he looks at you with that “your old man’s not such a square now, huh?” kind of look. It’s like the liquor equivalent of being Tim Allen in Wild Hogs. Jameson is for dumb hipsters and college boys who think they like good shit, but really like imported garbage juice. I said it before and I’ll say it again. Just because poop gets shipped overseas for consumption, that doesn’t make it any better than it was when it was just a freshly shat out pile of poop back home. Jameson is gut rot, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that crazy, crazy drunks like Jameson too, so there’s that.
Canadian Whiskey is the “I’m not fucking around here” choice, except when it comes to 7 and 7s and shit like that. That’s already been covered as unacceptable, so I’m really talking shots, rocks, or neat at this point. Drinking VO, 7 or Canadian Club is a little like drinking gas and actually, it’s a lot like Canada. It’s a lot more burly than you give it credit for.
The best whiskey is from Kentucky. That’s just all there is to it. Bourbon is the way to go if you’re drinking, and it’s one of the few areas where the fancy crap isn’t really that effete and pretentious. Bulliet is about the best shit I’ve ever tried (thank you Katie Degroote!), but Jim Beam isn’t far behind.
Jager is for fat people with brown stained teeth, tongues and breath.
Okay, so there you go. I’ve failed to cover lots of stuff, but I’m sure I’ll expand this a lot as time goes on. Get out there and make me proud, people!