Wednesday, August 13, 2008

put the fucking lotion in the fucking basket!

I don’t know what the fuck just happened. I got home and I lost my keys and my ATM card. How is that possible? I’m so pissed off. Oh, lord. This is the kind of thing that makes me see red. I hate automated phone menus, I hate feeling like a complete idiot with no keys and no ATM card. I have to work and then I’m going out of town, so there’s no possible time for me to even fix this bullshit. I’ve got the bank's hold music on speaker phone, as though that somehow makes it less unfuckingbearable. Why do they need to insert advertisements and shit into every five seconds of the hold music? In fact, why even have hold music? Just have a shrill voice going CHAAAAAAAAAASE BAAAAAAAANK HAAAAAAS FEEEEEATURES! PREEEEEEEEEEEPARE TOOOOOO BEEEEEEE EEEEEVEN MOOOORE FUCKING ANNOYED! I think I’d appreciate the honesty. I don’t ever lose things. In fact, before my baby was born, I never EVER lost anything. I broke stuff, and had stuff stolen from me, but I never lost anything. Since little dude, I’ve lost my keys 3 times and this is my second ATM card. At least it was a temporary card. Actually, I don’t know if that’s any better. Losing the keys is a bitch, a real fucking bitch. I lost my key to my bike lock, and the house and the storage areas. MAN!!!! FUCK!!!!!! I’m so angry right now, it’s such a fucking nightmare!
Oh man, so I got out of my writing class and it was raining. I thought, I’m gonna ride slow and take the train if it gets crazy. Well, it proved to be too wet and slick to ride, so I headed for the train, but I only had a twenty, so I went to the store full of gangbangers to get some cheetos. Well, I guess that all the in and out action in my dumb pockets of my dumb pants that are too tight for me to have my entire wallet in shook my atm card loose. Man, I’m pissed. Have I mentioned that? Well, I scarfed the cheetos on the train and then got off to realize that everything was gone. I even looked through the fucking garbage at the train station. Nothing but a handful of half drool, half mister pibb.
My wife just got home. She lost her keys too. AAARGH!

13 comments:

grilled cheese said...

dude you look like a raver in those pants.

John Barrett said...

I feel your pain. I've lost an ATM card. I've also found charges I didn't make on my bank statement from an unrelated occasion. Fuck identity theft.

P.S Don't Write said...

IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN, OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN.

PBJ said...

Hey BK,
Maybe a topic for your advice column:
My girlfriend has been gone all summer and spends every day with this dude friend she has.
What's your feel on girlfriends with super close man-pals and how close is too close?

SauliosBJ123 said...

The good news is neither of you can get upset at the other for not being careful with their keys. I mean, if you are really looking for a silver lining.

Max said...

at the red sox riots circa 2003/4 (can't remember) some juvenile delinquent ripped the keys off the back of my pants, probably thinking there was a wallet attached. well, if it HAD been my wallet, i probably wouldn't of chased the kid, but keys are such a pain in the ass to replace. i chased him until he threw them on the ground and ran off into the night. probably my ballsiest moment. i'm ashamed, however, that i took part in such a beefheaded act (the riots) i was just caught up in the excitement.

Ms. K said...

If you've both lost your keys, perhaps you were robbed and didn't realize it? It seems like too much of a coincidence.

Losing your keys does suck, though, so good luck getting all that sorted out.

PBJ -- I think your girlfriend is probably not all that into you.

Matt Ramone said...

Uh oh, John. You're onto me. Thanks for the eBay frenzy, though.

brooklyncrush said...

Dearest BK-

I'm a nice and charming young lady and I've hung out with this seemingly nice and charming young man a few times. He has said to me, of his own volition, he's got feelings for me (multiple times!). Previously, I was in no place to be dating anyone, after breaking up with this huge boner (unfortunately, not literally).

Recently, he dropped the "i've got a 'thing' for you" bomb again, and I said I felt the same way! Since then, he has been reaaaal awkward.

Generally, I would like to ask you.... what is the deal with that?

Jason K said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
janeharas said...

oh man that sucks! and both of you in one night? =(

that's why I have my wallet chained to me and generally grope myself every 5 minutes to make sure my phone and keys are where they need to be.

donface said...

brendan, random question: what's your opinion on the lillingtons?

Electricweebop said...

Sir, if it makes you feel any better my roommate lost my bike, not just the key, the bike. I was out of town, and she lost the bike. I'm still baffled how she could loose something which is rather hard to forget.