Friday, August 29, 2008

I've seen teams suck before, but those guys had to have been the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked!

It’s Friday! It’s Friday, so you know what that means, right? Labor day weekend! The busiest weekend for glory holes all year round! And I got a good feeling about Glory-Con ‘08, whether you’re a kneeler/sucker or a prodder, you know it’s gonna be a swinging good time. I was thinking about starting by the discarded mattresses near the Lincoln Park lagoon and then heading (no pun intended) down by the Union Station men’s room and then looping up to Wrigleyville, and the back room at Murphy’s Bleachers. I think I’m sticking to the standing side of the wall this year, (not literally! Heyooo!) as last year I wound up with some sort of parasite. Anyway….

I don’t know, man. It’s the end of summer. I didn’t go swimming once! I only went to three cubs games. I wrote two songs, I didn’t get so drunk I crapped my pants at all, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to call the amount of crystal meth-morphine speedballs I was able to do “negligible.” I must be getting old. Actually, yeah, I am. A week from Monday is my birthday. I’m already creaking. What a scene.

A few people wanted to know what to do in Chicago. Well, I wrote an article about this very subject for that “tiger beat—foolish hair edition” magazine called AP, but they chopped it up and made it nigh incomprehensible, (especially the last section…I was so disappointed when I read it that I didn’t even buy the magazine. Who’s the copy editor over there anyway, [this is the part where I’d name drop a semi-literate hatchet wielding mainiac if that sort of person was just readily available in our cultural lexicon…OJ?…close enough.] OJ?) so I understand if you didn’t get the full idea of where to go from that. I’ll offer a few suggestions here and there over the next few days. Here’s two for today:

The John Handcock building
-This is the second tallest building in Chicago (at least for now…that trump tower is catching it fast) and there’s a bar on the 96th floor. It’s the best view in the city (particularly, I’m told, from the ladies room) and you can get drunk and eat hot wings among the clouds just like Billy Dee Williams used to do.

Hot Dougs-
This place has hot dogs made from game meat (boars and venison and shit like that) and also vegan dogs and gourmet dogs (Duck dogs stuffed with pate, for example) and everything in between. In a city famous for hotdogs, hot Dougs is the best of the best. Get in there and eat. Doug’s also got a pretty healthy Madonna/ Britney fetish going on, so there’s tons of great stuff on the walls.
Okay, I’m off to work. More Chicago hot spots next time. Have fun out there this weekend, glory holers!


Anonymous said...

glory holes and Lando Calrissian. also while youll be dickin it in chicago, ill be getting wasted in nyc hoping to upset and kick the shit out of the Hipsters and their shitty Brooklyn bars. wish me luck Chicago-dick slayer

John Barrett said...

I was in a pissy mood, and this helped cheer me up.

When I'm in Chicago for Riot Fest, I'll make my host give me this tour.

Jason said...

Brackets inside of parentheses? You don't see that too much anymore.

Anonymous said...

I hope that "handcock" was intentional. When I ever I bring up "hancock" street, I try to say "hand cock" very clearly. It isn't that hand is the funny part, but making it 2 body parts that work together makes it funnier.

Also, how old is your son going to be before you teach him about glory holes? I think any younger than 7 is too young.

alkalinepunk13 said...

"sorry I have to go, my weiner kids are listening!"

nice simpsons quote

Matt Baldwin said...

alkaline punk beat me too it..

damn you alkaline punk

This comment has been removed by the author.

there are no two finer words in the english language than "encased meats", my friend.

i hope to see kuma's corner on your next list.

A l e x said...

it never ceases to boggle my mind how little stock you seem to put in your role in the larry arms. maybe my huge love for you guys has blinded me to how little the rest of the world cares about em, but says you have at least 62,000 listeners... which means there are probably (at the very barest minimum) some 10,000 people worldwide who are really into you guys (say, own at least an album, can sing along to a few songs, know the band member names, what have you).

everyone commenting on this blog has a lot fewer than 10,000 fans worldwide. myself i probably have fewer than a dozen. so i'm just saying, and keeping in mind that no one needs an unnecessarily inflated ego, maybe you should pat yourself on the back a little more?

Kira said...

Hot Doug's is my number one rec when anyone asks me what they should do in Chicago.

Have you heard about this?

Mikey said...

2 songs? not what someone who's waiting for something new from TLA/The Falcon wants to heard... :P

Anonymous said...

I know this is a little late but the AON Center is the 2nd tallest building in Chicago but it's a big greyish rectangle so it's a little boring.... love the blog