Sheeeeeeit doogies, I’m typing this with a quickness. My kid’s in the other room watching Jack’s Big Music Show, which is apparently less terrifying than Elmo’s special expose on the lives of wild animals, and I just put the final dabs of excellence on a terrific new song. That makes, I believe, nine songs that I’ve got done. This shit’s shaping up to be either the best or the worst record I’ve ever been a part of, which is really saying something when you consider the masterpieces/total crap that I’ve put out there. This is one of the two, but I don’t know which. It’s unusual. I can say that much for sure.
Hey, speaking of total crap, me and Joe McMahon just came out with a split yesterday. The vinyl and digital versions are being handled by the gentle chaps over at Anchorless Records and the Cds are coming courtesy of the ball handlers over at Red Scare. It’s already garnering positive reviews as well as the requisite backlash/dismissive shit talking that lets you know that yes, you’re on the internet. Hey, it’s cool. I got thick skin. I’m ready for the inevitable barrage of comments about how marginal to nonexistent my talent is. Good thing I don’t try very hard, or I’d be really depressed. Now, when people insult the blog, well, that’s when I retreat to my room with a bag of double stuff oreos, a pint of haagen daaz and a Friends DVD and just sit in my robe with the lights off. This here page is my lifeblood, folks. I meticulously prepare every single one of these entries over the course of about a week. Did you know that? It’s true! I started this project when I was fourteen. I’m currently (as I write this) nineteen (Ed note-But I’m posting it at 33). Look, you get the idea. Long process, making a blog. I know what you’re thinking: “How the fuck did you know that you’d be releasing this split today back when you were nineteen, huh?”
Well, firstly, way to be a smartass. Secondly, my life is a meticulously constructed ‘concept life’ that I prepared, cradle to grave when I was fourteen as part of a project for space camp. I used a probability matrix to account for things I can’t control, and so far, knock on wood, it’s turned out pretty right on.
But let’s say, just for turds and guffaws (since I know what you’re REALLY thinking) that time travel was, in fact, possible. Where would you go? There’s lots of exciting choices out there. Distant future? Prehistoric past? What would be the place for you?
Oh, and like so many hypothetical time machines (in stark contrast to the real time machines out there) this one not only transports you in time, but to a place too, so if you typed in 1 BC because you wanted to see the last reigning days of the jews, for example, you wouldn’t just end up in prehistoric Sandusky Ohio, or where ever the fuck you are now, but back in time AND where you want to be on earth, so I guess you’d be in Jerusalem or whatever. Get it? Okay.
I for one would definitely want to go to a time and place where my access to looking at cans and clams would still be high. So no puritanical colonial America, no Sparta…Um, also I’d like there to be good food. So no England or Canada at any time (nah. I kid. Tim Horton’s is alright and I LOVE me some poutine AND I’ve had some dynamite meals in BC…Sorry England, you’ve yet to wow me. Prove me wrong next week, how bout that?). Feudal Japan? That sounds pretty wild. I’d probably get run through with swords pretty quick though. Ancient Egypt? Ancient Rome? Greece? These all sound good, but there’s the whole issue with the crappers, and also there’s so much crazy killing for show and shit like that. I’m a little squeamish about seeing people die right there in front of me and seeing big puddles of blood and fat cells in the torn flesh of the dying and all that. Call me a pussy if you must.
I think hanging out with Franklin and Washington would be really cool, though I don’t know why they’d want to hang out with me…maybe I could impress them with my knowledge of the future and my colorful tattoos. Then I could get in on the framing of the constitution and say things like “you realize that there’s gonna be a lot of mongaloids in the future that use this bit here to try to subjugate women and marginalized groups and outlaw abortion rights (ben franklin, consummate fucker of almost anything that moved [for real. Look it up] is no doubt the kind of dude that could see the benefits of sucking a fetus or two out of someone, ahem, unbecoming, here and there…On a side note, what was the abortion procedure like back then? Flight of stairs? Wow. Rough stuff) and this bit here they’re gonna say gives them the right to pack automatic firearms in crowds in cities. No, really. That’s what they’re gonna think.”
I think I could be really helpful in the moments leading up to independence here in the states. I’d also tell them all about benedict Arnold, and then, well THEN we’d have this whole new name for eggs with hollandaise probably, right? Well…huh. He was a traitor, so they probably weren’t honoring him with the namesake, huh?
Well, this is hard. I don’t know if I can figure it all out today. Head to Anchorless, Redscare or Interpunk and buy my record. How bout that?
Good deal. Nice work today. Hit the showers!