Monday, March 15, 2010

...maybe just amusement.

I remember a long time ago, I was hanging out with some buddies and they asked me if I wanted to see something fucked up. Of course, I said ‘sure’ so they put on this VHS tape of a chick getting fucked by a horse. Then this other chick fucked a dog and then a pig and then some chick fucked an eel or something. I know this only because they fast forwarded to each scene to give me the idea of the spectrum of the whole thing when I threatened to leave. At a certain point some people started shitting on each other and that’s when I pulled the ripcord and took off. No amount of fast forwarding could have gotten me to stay at that point.
Now, technically fucking animals is way grosser than shitting on people. I mean, really what’s the harm in a little shit play among people who want to be shitted on/shit on someone? Right? So why is fucking animals technically easier to watch? Fucking animals is like playing god if god were real and into stuff like cross species banging, which, with the exception of horses and donkeys, he’s obviously not, or else he would have made the DNA strands hang together or whatever, right? So we could have babies that are half eel, half puma, or half rooster, half sperm whale. You get the idea. Obviously, that kind of thing is frowned upon, cosmically (this would probably be a good time to mention that I in no way endorse the idea that god or evolution sanctions certain sex acts by providing offspring as a final result. That’s a theory for bigoted dipshits and while it does conveniently put fucking pigs and rabbits into the ‘naughty’ category, it also unfavorably fucks with blowjobs, buttfucking, whacking off onto the faces/butts of people, handjobs muff diving, tit fucking etc. and hey, who wants to live in a world without tit fucking? Not me, man.)
Funny thing though, people still get out there and fuck their animals, don’t they? You don’t really see that happening too much elsewhere in the animal kingdom though, right? I don’t know the answer to this. If any of you are animal husbandry majors, I’d love a primer. Do monkeys fuck hyenas out there in the bush or whatever? Do squirrels get fucked by various raccoons and possums? Doesn’t really sound right. No. It seems like a depravity cooked up by human males to A) fuck something that’s not smart enough to realize what a gross loser the person that wants to fuck them is (which is where get the ‘man found fucking dog/llama/cat’ news stories and B) exploit women with drug problems and prove that they WILL in fact fuck someone more revolting than them (and that’s where we get the gross porn movies like the one these guys showed me so long ago, but which is still burnt into my brain).
Porn, in general is a wild and crazy thing. It’s (sometimes) beautiful women and men doing something that’s really, really fun, but for whatever reason the lions share of the people who do it have terrible unhealthy relationships with fucking. It’s such a weird and wild scene. That’s like if the only people in the NBA were people that hated basketball or had serious trauma because their dads used to sneak in to their room at night and make em practice lay ups.
The result is an incredibly sad industry disguised as a constant party. I know, people in the adult film world always talk about how much they love the business, but it just never really sounds convincing, does it? I mean, the guys? Sure. I get that. They get to walk in and bang hot chicks that will do pretty much anything and never deal with them again. That’s a dream job. That’s why porn exists. It’s a billion dollar industry based on guys at home being so stoked for these guys that they’ll watch them do their weird jobs. Not that I’m suggesting that all men would love to be in porn. I wouldn’t. I’ve seen some behind the scenes stuff and it’s weird. They say that the average boom guy in porn’s career is less than one shoot. That RIGHT THERE means the whole thing is more bizarre and disturbing than everyone imagines it could ever be. It’s a weird thing, capturing two (or three or four or five or six) people fucking in what’s supposed to be a spontaneous way, constantly interrupted by trips to the craft services table to scarf down handfuls of Doritos and to the bathroom to poo, take Viagra, do lines, cry etc.
My point is, I’ve heard that the guys that do porn are kind of as a rule weird dudes, and hey! No shit? Really? Good on them, though. Good on ‘em for doing porn for the rest of us. I believe those guys when they say that they love their jobs (I’ve also heard that almost all the male talent in porn is bisexual, but that’s another topic for another time). But the women?
Nah. I don’t buy it. It’s too much of a man’s game. Sure. Sure. There’s adventurous women out there and all that and it’s not fair for me to suggest that men can do this and women can’t and on and on and on.
Nah. Sorry. My position stands. Men are creepier than women. All the time. Porn is a creepy thing dreamed up by men and enjoyed by men and even sometimes by women. BUT there’s no fucking way that this girl enjoys these six strange, out of shape creeps calling her a whore and blowing random goopy loads on her face. She doesn’t. Maybe she’s high or drunk or something or she likes the humiliation for the moment (not bloody likely) but still. That shit’s degrading, man. Sorry, porn fan. It’s true. These chicks don’t like it. Nope. Sorry. Save it lady. You don’t like it.
OKAY, calm down! There’s obviously exceptions to everything. Out there, there ARE women who like getting fucked on camera by strangers and getting manhandled while tubby AV nerds eat slim jims and adjust lights. They exist. Just like there are dudes out there who like to eat cow brains and play Frisbee golf and shit like that. There’s dudes out there that get off on sticking pencils in their dickholes for fucks sake. But those folks are rare. So, uh…what am I saying here?

I guess the point of all this is that the animal porn is pretty disturbing. The shit porn is pretty disturbing and regular porn COULD also be considered pretty disturbing, but it’s also awesome, so I don’t like to think about it. Much in the same way that my shoes, my jeans, my sandwich and my coffee and my bag of weed are all pretty disturbing but I don’t like to think about that either. Also, my car. And all the bottles of beer in my favorite bar. Oh, and my prescriptions and my puppy and my heat and my chicken nuggets and the milk I give to my kid and my bananas and my tee shirt and my shoelaces and on and on and on. BUT, can you whack off to shoelaces? Well, some of you can. Like I said, there’s lots of different people with lots of different proclivities out there, man.

PS I realize the argument out there exists that says something to the effect of “those animals obviously enjoy it, so what’s the harm?” That’s a gross argument put forth by people who condone fucking animals and I would like to discourage you from putting said argument forth, kay? Good. Thanks. Oh and for the record, you’re gross.

PPS to the dude that sent me the email about the short story book. I’m into it, but I lost your email. So email me again. Okay. Good times. Bye.

29 comments:

Matt Ramone said...

Nice pun in the title.

What do you think of the new Against Me!?

STACEY MCCOOL said...

the weirdest part (for me) is not that these people exist, but that there is an entirely opposite group of humans in the world who have no fucking clue any of this is happening. have you ever got in a screaming match with a grown-ass woman who wouldn't (read: couldn't) believe that someone, somewhere would fuck a dog?

i have... and it's weird. i don't wanna be the bearer of disturbing news, man.

myassisapipebomb said...

what about the furries, dude? the furries...

moodkiller said...

plushies! People dressing as animals then fucking! Not into it personally, but it's pretty awesome that people actually do that.

Jorge said...

A friend of mine lived with a furry once. There were weird ass costumes all over the place and in his room there were drawings of foxes and shit with huge dongs all over the wall. That he had drawn himself.

I mean, at least they're not fucking animals, but I don't know if fantasizing about fucking a sexyfied version of an animal is much better.

Garfield Roscoe said...

@Matt Ramone...
I know you weren't asking me... but man, I must say, so far for the first few listens, it is quite disappointing. I don't want to be the music snob/douche who says that the "early albums were the best", but fuck me. I don't think it's coincidence that a lot of people feel this way about non-mainstream music once it goes mainstream. In my opinion, all this production SUCKS THE LIFE out of music that is driven on actual real opinions/stories/ideas/philosophies. Sounds like a Gaslight Anthem record. Maybe I have ears that can't hear the differences, but every album that comes out sounds like it was recorded in the same place, with the same guitars, with the same mics and it's just fucking boring. Where's the snarl? And I'm not saying that a crap recording makes a good album, certainly it does not, but part of the charm of "Don't Turn Away" (Face to Face), for example, is that the guitars have their own 'tude,'... if that's because of the crappy recording, so be it. Who knows, maybe I'm way off.

doorstopper said...

Bad post, do some reaserch on Anna Spam. Seriously, that was a rare slip into taking about rubbish stereotypes rather than challenging them, it was like a bad comedy club. previous 100 posts well done but this is the internet right, feel its wrath, Bye!

Moore Sketches! said...

Unrelated comment- I saw a screening of The Room last night. I was hoping like hell that somehow Tommy Wiseau would be there- I didn't spot him though. Anyways, it was an experience, the audience was throwing spoons at the screen and screaming the dialogue as it was happening. I was truly one with the cult that night. The movie itself was like a soap opera, or an extremely extremely soft core (awkward) porn. About 40 minutes into the movie i started to get a headache- the novelty had worn off. The way the actors deliver lines is the same speech pattern almost throughout the whole movie, and the repetition! aaahhh!! It became maddening. I am glad I finally witnessed it for myself though, now I can move on with my life.

Showtyme said...

Hey BK, I happen to be a man who enjoys disc golf, and while I love you, I was a little annoyed when you called it Frisbee golf. . . just sayin'

Mark said...

I also like to frolf. I also think that Evan Stone is pretty cool, and I wouldn't mind hanging out with him sometime.

Johno said...

Oh man, I really really really wanted to pay for some of Against Me!'s music this time.
Dang.

Banana@1000MPH said...

that comparison with the NBA is the greatest thing ever.

Justin said...

A few years ago, my brother and I were introduced to a now defunct website (www.beasttube.com) by a dude we went to high school with. We would get drunk, log on, laugh, and see how long we could last before we were too grossed out. In what is one of the deepest burned scars in my memory, we saw a video of a dude blowing a dolphin, like, at a Sea World type place. The comments scared the hell out of us, with one of the more memorable ones being 'You realized one of my dreams for me, thank you.' That shit's stuck with me for five years.

Jorge said...

Also, your Wasted Potential split came in the mail today. When people said you were covering Kiss the Bottle live my brain had a little mini stroke. Glad to finally hear it.

Your dad sure is hot.

Sean said...

I think Necrotism on Wasted Potential is a definite standout on the CD, great job man!

also, what do you, or anyone else, think of the new Against Me! cd?

I love the songs on the most part, especially live... but for some reason the recording is turning me off (sexually).

Also, they took out the epic "classic AM! breakdown (as kids on the internet were referring to it as)" during around 2 minutes into the song "Suffocation." That's a little disappointing, but not a deal breaker.

I think it's gunna have great replay value.

Robb said...

doorstopper - seriously, who are you kidding? Don’t be intellectually dishonest. 99.5% of porn is ‘male-centric’--produced primarily by and for males with focus on scenarios/POVs/’activities’ that cater mostly to male enjoyment, and it’s this overwhelming majority bk clearly refers to. Anna Spam and her work is part of a very small exception to that majority

Dave said...

Do some people actually enjoy "The Room" without being ironic? I assumed from the posts on here that people watched it like they watch an episode of Full House.

In the alternative weekly paper here there was a blurb about a midnight showing at the local art theater. It sounded like whoever wrote the blurb actually liked it. They described as a "sardonic and clever take on sexual politics" or something like that. I thought it was just hipsters making fun of how bad it was. It sounded like this critic was actually stoked on it and thought this Steve Wissau due was misunderstood.

JoBros (very famous.) said...

Just to answer: animals' primary goal is to utilize their evolutionary fitness, that is, mate. They'll do anything to make babies to pass on their genes. So, if they start getting desperate (eg: no females want them, no females, in general) then they will start humping anything in sight (other animals, etc) in hopes of makin' babies. I think there's a clip of a kakapo humping someone's head because female kakapos are pretty much extinct. But you know, there can't be hybrid animals because of gametic barriers causing sperm and eggs of different species to be incompatible, so the difference in the amino acid sequence causes mating to fail even if they are closely related populations. So, yes, animals will sex up other species and that's why you can't have hybrid animals.

I knew this whole biology degree was gonna come in handy somehow.

Mark said...

I didn't even know the new AM! was out. I liked a few of the songs I heard on youtube a few months back from their live shows.

Candice said...

sean- i completely agree with you! one of my favorites on the album for sure.

egodiego said...

As a female who would be way more excited about porn if it would be a little less idiotic, what's the deal with all the dry vaginas in porn?

Harska09 said...

Once in a while my male dog tries to fuck my cat (also a male). The first time it happened, my dad's Mexican friend Louie analyzed the situation momentarily and then made his conclusion. "That's a boy cat..." was all he had to say about the whole thing, as if a dog fucking a cat is something he sees every day. Not a "boy cat" though.

jbodbeeeeex said...

visiting anna spam to verify that the vast majority of porn isn't aimed at males would be like reading up on gibbons and beavers and then rethinking your position that most animal species in the wild aren't monogamous.....that shit would be dumb as fuck gurl!Dont be silly..Hey..shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...dont be silly gurl.I know you like porno's n shit but.....come on....It aint enough...

myassisapipebomb said...

furries have been fighting for their right to wear their fuck suits to work instead of work clothes, or a business (not birthday) suit because they feel that their chosen animal is what they really are.

i'm not passing judgment. who gives a fuck, but weird.

doorstopper said...

jbodbeeeeex said...
visiting anna spam to verify that the vast majority of porn isn't aimed at males//
Not what I was saying. I accept most is, and alot of the sex industry is a pretty unattractive place but thats like putting warning labels on fag packets, everyone knows it, its boring to talk about and there is a more interesting and intelectualy (not just penis/vag)stimulating things happening, and more funny in porn.

/Hey..shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...dont be silly gurl.I know you like porno's n shit but.....come on....It aint enough...// Err I have a penis
lolz

Blake said...

Doorstopper- "Err I have a penis
lolz"

So, basically, Brendan actually had a GREAT post because that was his original point from the very beginning?

jbody said...

Thank you doorstopper,for doing me the small favor of redefining my universe!lolz indeed my good sir,lolz indeed.

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