I remember a long time ago, I was hanging out with some buddies and they asked me if I wanted to see something fucked up. Of course, I said ‘sure’ so they put on this VHS tape of a chick getting fucked by a horse. Then this other chick fucked a dog and then a pig and then some chick fucked an eel or something. I know this only because they fast forwarded to each scene to give me the idea of the spectrum of the whole thing when I threatened to leave. At a certain point some people started shitting on each other and that’s when I pulled the ripcord and took off. No amount of fast forwarding could have gotten me to stay at that point.
Now, technically fucking animals is way grosser than shitting on people. I mean, really what’s the harm in a little shit play among people who want to be shitted on/shit on someone? Right? So why is fucking animals technically easier to watch? Fucking animals is like playing god if god were real and into stuff like cross species banging, which, with the exception of horses and donkeys, he’s obviously not, or else he would have made the DNA strands hang together or whatever, right? So we could have babies that are half eel, half puma, or half rooster, half sperm whale. You get the idea. Obviously, that kind of thing is frowned upon, cosmically (this would probably be a good time to mention that I in no way endorse the idea that god or evolution sanctions certain sex acts by providing offspring as a final result. That’s a theory for bigoted dipshits and while it does conveniently put fucking pigs and rabbits into the ‘naughty’ category, it also unfavorably fucks with blowjobs, buttfucking, whacking off onto the faces/butts of people, handjobs muff diving, tit fucking etc. and hey, who wants to live in a world without tit fucking? Not me, man.)
Funny thing though, people still get out there and fuck their animals, don’t they? You don’t really see that happening too much elsewhere in the animal kingdom though, right? I don’t know the answer to this. If any of you are animal husbandry majors, I’d love a primer. Do monkeys fuck hyenas out there in the bush or whatever? Do squirrels get fucked by various raccoons and possums? Doesn’t really sound right. No. It seems like a depravity cooked up by human males to A) fuck something that’s not smart enough to realize what a gross loser the person that wants to fuck them is (which is where get the ‘man found fucking dog/llama/cat’ news stories and B) exploit women with drug problems and prove that they WILL in fact fuck someone more revolting than them (and that’s where we get the gross porn movies like the one these guys showed me so long ago, but which is still burnt into my brain).
Porn, in general is a wild and crazy thing. It’s (sometimes) beautiful women and men doing something that’s really, really fun, but for whatever reason the lions share of the people who do it have terrible unhealthy relationships with fucking. It’s such a weird and wild scene. That’s like if the only people in the NBA were people that hated basketball or had serious trauma because their dads used to sneak in to their room at night and make em practice lay ups.
The result is an incredibly sad industry disguised as a constant party. I know, people in the adult film world always talk about how much they love the business, but it just never really sounds convincing, does it? I mean, the guys? Sure. I get that. They get to walk in and bang hot chicks that will do pretty much anything and never deal with them again. That’s a dream job. That’s why porn exists. It’s a billion dollar industry based on guys at home being so stoked for these guys that they’ll watch them do their weird jobs. Not that I’m suggesting that all men would love to be in porn. I wouldn’t. I’ve seen some behind the scenes stuff and it’s weird. They say that the average boom guy in porn’s career is less than one shoot. That RIGHT THERE means the whole thing is more bizarre and disturbing than everyone imagines it could ever be. It’s a weird thing, capturing two (or three or four or five or six) people fucking in what’s supposed to be a spontaneous way, constantly interrupted by trips to the craft services table to scarf down handfuls of Doritos and to the bathroom to poo, take Viagra, do lines, cry etc.
My point is, I’ve heard that the guys that do porn are kind of as a rule weird dudes, and hey! No shit? Really? Good on them, though. Good on ‘em for doing porn for the rest of us. I believe those guys when they say that they love their jobs (I’ve also heard that almost all the male talent in porn is bisexual, but that’s another topic for another time). But the women?
Nah. I don’t buy it. It’s too much of a man’s game. Sure. Sure. There’s adventurous women out there and all that and it’s not fair for me to suggest that men can do this and women can’t and on and on and on.
Nah. Sorry. My position stands. Men are creepier than women. All the time. Porn is a creepy thing dreamed up by men and enjoyed by men and even sometimes by women. BUT there’s no fucking way that this girl enjoys these six strange, out of shape creeps calling her a whore and blowing random goopy loads on her face. She doesn’t. Maybe she’s high or drunk or something or she likes the humiliation for the moment (not bloody likely) but still. That shit’s degrading, man. Sorry, porn fan. It’s true. These chicks don’t like it. Nope. Sorry. Save it lady. You don’t like it.
OKAY, calm down! There’s obviously exceptions to everything. Out there, there ARE women who like getting fucked on camera by strangers and getting manhandled while tubby AV nerds eat slim jims and adjust lights. They exist. Just like there are dudes out there who like to eat cow brains and play Frisbee golf and shit like that. There’s dudes out there that get off on sticking pencils in their dickholes for fucks sake. But those folks are rare. So, uh…what am I saying here?
I guess the point of all this is that the animal porn is pretty disturbing. The shit porn is pretty disturbing and regular porn COULD also be considered pretty disturbing, but it’s also awesome, so I don’t like to think about it. Much in the same way that my shoes, my jeans, my sandwich and my coffee and my bag of weed are all pretty disturbing but I don’t like to think about that either. Also, my car. And all the bottles of beer in my favorite bar. Oh, and my prescriptions and my puppy and my heat and my chicken nuggets and the milk I give to my kid and my bananas and my tee shirt and my shoelaces and on and on and on. BUT, can you whack off to shoelaces? Well, some of you can. Like I said, there’s lots of different people with lots of different proclivities out there, man.
PS I realize the argument out there exists that says something to the effect of “those animals obviously enjoy it, so what’s the harm?” That’s a gross argument put forth by people who condone fucking animals and I would like to discourage you from putting said argument forth, kay? Good. Thanks. Oh and for the record, you’re gross.
PPS to the dude that sent me the email about the short story book. I’m into it, but I lost your email. So email me again. Okay. Good times. Bye.