Tuesday, March 9, 2010

If you want him this bad, I'm not letting him go!

So here’s what I did. I just wrote a children’s style song about killing people and then laughing while the birds of prey eat their flesh. It’s a pretty funny song. It’s also got references to me being a gay cruiser in parks and bathrooms and it also kind of references Master and Margarita, an old Broadways song, the movie Crusin’ staring Al Pacino, Larry Craig, an old joke that my camp counselor told me when I was thirteen, and I think that there’s a tiny bit of redemption in there. This is all, again, set to pretty much children’s music. I feel a twisted sense of accomplishment/filthiness, like right after you fuck a puma.
Just throwing that out there.
Okay, what’s going on today? Have we all recovered from the oscars? I know my ass was still a hot butterscotch hose as recently as this morning due to my bad case of Oscar fever, but I think I’m pretty much recovered. What is there to talk about today? I guess we can go over the results of yesterday’s query, “does Cuba Gooding Jr. have an equivalent?”
For those of you who missed the question, please refer to yesterday’s entry entitled “ima let you finish’
I think your answers varied from pretty good to terrible. Mike Tyson is probably the best answer. In fact, Cuba has nothing on Mike Tyson, honestly. Cuba was just one guy out of many who wins awards every year. Sure, those are ‘prestigious’ awards, but they don’t really stack up to rounding up all the various heavyweight belts in the country and combining them into one grand championship belt and then being the most feared man in the world who threatened to ruin a multi million dollar industry by being so dominant.
Also, he married (and stair pushed) Robin Givens. That’s cool (and terrible). Yup. Iron Mike was the man (and a monster). There’s no fucking two ways about it.
Think about this- Mike Tyson’s Punch Out is one of the best video games ever. Have you ever played As Good As It Gets: the game? Well, let me tell you, it sucks, and Cuba is BARELY even in that shit. But Mike Tyson? He used to be synonymous with championship, man. He had a goddamned Will Smith song about him. How ‘bout that? Who can say that the most profitable film actor of ALL TIME wrote and performed a song about their dominance? Only Tyson. Plus, he’s got those chicken dinners, so there’s that.
Buuuuuut, like Cuba Gooding, he couldn’t stay on top forever. No, soon he’d pushed Robin down one too many flights of stairs, he’d bitten off one too many ears, he’d bought one too many flocks of highly trained pigeons and he’d tattooed one too many of his faces. Net thing you know, Tyson’s air drumming to Phil Collins(!) for the amusement of aging hipsters and hordes of young people who think he’s just a high-pitched bum.
That’s worse than Snow Dogs, man.
Although, in fairness, the Hangover is a much better film than Snow Dogs (I’m guessing. Believe it or not, I’m not one of the few who watched Snow Dogs) and Tyson is kind of still in the news…mostly for being in and out of jail and being broke though, right? So yeah. He wins. Or loses. I don’t know how to award this one. Um…well, let’s just say that uh (hold on, gotta go look this up..) “R.” wins the sock drawer award for best answer. How bout that? When you’re dealing in Mike Tyson and Cuba Gooding Jr., there can be no winners, really.
Okay, look. I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve got shit to do and not a lot of time to do it in. Hope you turds are surviving your Tuesdays. Good talk. Now get out there and live!

16 comments:

Nick said...

"and he’d tattooed one too many of his faces"

Hahahahaha

planespotting said...

For some reason, I didn't consider politicians yesterday, but I think I have one person whose fall from grace is even greater than Mike Tyson. That person would be:

John Edwards.

The man was only a few (stolen?) electoral votes in Ohio away from being the Vice President of the Fucking United States. Then, three years later he runs for president himself, is looked upon as the savior of blue collar/union folks in America, comes in second in the Iowa caucuses, gets a ton of sympathy after his relatively large wife gets terminal cancer, and it looks for awhile like he might again be on the presidential ticket (as a possible Obama VP), this time though with a candidate who's not John Kerry (which is better).

Then, his entire fucking life unravels. Turns out he was boning some obsessed videographer DURING HIS CAMPAIGN, thereby cheating on his terminal-cancer-ridden wife, at a time when all of American knew she had terminal cancer. To top it all off, he wasn't wrapping that shit up, because the crazy woman he was fucking told him she was on the pill (obviously, she wasn't), and how he's got a fucking LOVE CHILD that was conceived while he was running for the motherfucking democratic presidential nomination.

John Edwards, FTW. Game. Set. Match.

Top that shit.

Candice said...

The Tyson documentary that came out last year was one of the saddest things I have ever seen.

dustyfloors said...

Candice - I saw that shit and it freaked me right the fuck out.

For those who haven't seen it I won't spoil it (although I'd imagine if you haven't seen it yet you're not going to have a sudden epiphany that you need to) but he explains how he used to look at women and what frame of mind he gets in when he's having sex and I think I was actually trembling in fear. As he said himself he's a monster. He will eat your children.

nd said...

Thanks for writing that song after the recording of "Wasted Potential". When do we get to hear this "children's song" you speak (write) of?

FranklinStein said...

I'm currently reading the Master and Margarita...according to the next chapter, the Master is soon to be liberated.

and planespotting, good call on Edwards' fall from grace. Jim Bakker's a good contender for a public religious figure...

Drunken Acorn said...

Ted Haggard is another guy who went from the top to the bottom pretty fast. I watched his documentary on HBO and almost felt sorry for him.

jbody said...

Yeah Edwards.Mike tyson got to compete at the equivalent of the boxing oscars (a heavyweight title match) in years spanning from 1986 to 2002(the year snow dogs came out) despite acting like an absolute barbarian out of the ring that entire time (the sexual misconduct started way before givens).Do you think cuba would have been asked back to the academy awards had he bitten geoffery rush's pinkie off?yeah...not the same thing.hmmmm well im just saying mike was revered in his respective profession for so much longer than cuba was that it's not a very good comparison.I mean aren't actors supposed to have a longer shelf life than boxers?silliness, looking back I made some shit nominations myself,whew.could we get a critical evaluation of ben stiller's avatar gag?now That was fucking awkward!

Jesus said...

I actually liked the Tyson documentry, it was a good look at what the fuck goes on inside a dudes head who gets hit for a living. It didn't seem too BS'd either, he was straight up with what happened in his life for the most part.

Bridgett said...

So I was on iTunes yesterday and I typed Brendan Kelly into the search because I couldn't remember if "Wasted Potential" was out yet, and there's a song out there called "Drunk like Brendan Kelly". It's not terrible.

jbody said...

ok,the bachelor reject chick porn is fake right?This is sad but I know that prick.lex steele

Ross said...

I was going to say Rex Manning from Empire Records...

Blake said...

What about Nick Manning? He was a fashion model/ the king of Wall Street then was forced to resort to the world of porn.

Moose said...

Curious as to what The Broadways reference was..?

Johno said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Johno said...

Was that last line a Frank Turner reference?