Monday, March 22, 2010

freshen your drink, governor?

Out to my east, over the Atlantic and beyond the lost continent of Atlantis lies England. England is a small, often rainy place notable for not only having influenced and colonized most of the world, but also for sending all their criminals to a tropical paradise in the southern hemisphere and driving the most prude, stuck up assholes out across the sea where they discovered the most resource-rich continent on the planet. The Brits, for their part, just kind of stayed on the rainy little island that fate dealt them and, well, the criminals went on to create an amazing free society in the most beautiful place on earth and the prude assholes, well, they’re running the world now. What can you say about that? Takes tenacity to just stay there, in the rain, right? Sure. Let’s give em tenacity. I mean, right now there’s an Australian guy waking up and stepping down onto the most beautiful beach in the world for a quick dip before his job at the petrol station, and here in America, we’re celebrating being able to completely mismanage every possible aspect of our country/diplomatic relationships and still somehow be the only superpower. Huh. Pretty good. What you got, England? Pasties? Crumpets? Lots of people saying “jolly good.”
Heh. Jolly good then.
Now, here in America, we’ve got this crazy group of people who broke off from another crazy group of people because they weren’t quite crazy enough for them. This kind of shit happens all the time. Hell, this whole anarcho punk debate that’s been ‘raging’ lately is part of what could be perceived as a bunch of crazies not being crazy enough for a sub group who split off and upped the ante. I mean, I don’t see it that way, but I bet the lady that works at the dry cleaners at the end of my block would.
Kay, so I’m not talking about punks. I’m talking about mormons, specifically, the ones who have all the wives. I Just read (skimmed, mostly to see how the wives looked…um, yipes!) this article in National Geographic about the whole thing and well, this dude has five wives and forty six kids. His buddies are married to some of his daughters (as in, he’s got a buddy who’s married to TWO of this guys daughters) and well, the whole thing’s pretty wild.
One guy has sixty wives. That’s a lot of ANYTHING to share a place with. If I had sixty basketballs in the house I think after a while I’d be like “jesus fucking Christ. I gotta do something with all these basketballs!”
I dunno. Sounds like a lot of work to me. I can barely do all the things I need to do in order to keep one wife generally happy and not thinking I’m a total waste of space. Sixty? Sorry. I’m not the man for that job.
Now, I bring up the polygamists because this take on polygamy (nothing to do with folding paper, believe it or not) is so uniquely American, and completely backwards and to me, at odds with all the advantages that polygamy could seem to provide.
These folks are deeply prude. I saw a shot of a bunch of wives swimming and their swim suits were leggings to the ankle, dresses with turtlenecks and long sleeves. Pretty hot beachwear.
Only in America does someone hoard wives pretty much only so no one else can have wives (that’s a big problem in this sect, and apparently they use this scarcity of women [based on the simple biology/math equation that states that if one guy’s got sixty wives, some other guys aren’t gonna have any] to keep people in line, as they can reassign wives of ‘non pious’ men to other men, or prevent marriage [and thereby withhold the ability for a guy to ever…uh, you know, bust a nut{since whacking off is presumably frowned upon}]) and keep these wives all stabled like breeding cows, only to be brought out to fuck through a sheet and jar up some preserves here and there. Way to go America. You got this one just right!
I mean, isn’t the whole thing about having a bunch of wives that you want to pump lots of women and you want god to be cool with it? Why don’t you just make up a cooler god? I mean, you’ve already uh…pimped out your god with this new set of specs that allows for sixty wives, why not just make it that you can pump whoever you want? Bceause this shit’s about ownership, not four boobs and three dicks and crazy parties out in the woods and stuff. How lame does it get? These people have almost got their god sold on orgies and they stop at the gate, dress the women up like mummies and box em up like (again) cows or something. Not cool, polygamists. Even for you.

BUT, these people seem happy. I guess it’s not my place to say some old man can’t have five wives and let his buddy marry two of his twenty nine daughters if that’s what they’re all into. Sure, there’s this whole thing about brainwashing that always comes up when you’re talking polygamy and hey, maybe they’re brainwashed. The thing is, they live in an isolated part of the world, they subscribe to the world view that surrounds them and they exist happily within it. It’s not much different than growing up in the Shang Province and thinking that China is the best or growing up in England and thinking that Princess Di was super hot. Maybe, probably it’s brainwashing but whatever, man. Brainwashing is going on all the fucking time. Army? Brainwashing. Small town mob punditry? Brainwashing. Big city liberal douche mob punditry? Brainwashing. Sitting in your cube everyday and not freaking the fuck out and punching a hole through the walls to escape? Ever see a dog in a cage? They don’t like that shit until they’re ‘trained’ or ‘broken’. What does that say about you there?
There’s lots of ‘brainwashing’ going on out there, folks. Don’t think there ain’t.
AND, the thing is, just because I think that what the polygamists do is pretty out there and uncool, I kind of think they should be allowed (which, I guess they kind of are, since they do it) just simply because they’d set their sights right on me and all my homo friends if THEY got to outlaw something that they thought was out there and uncool, so what am I saying here?
That’s right. I’m going to England this evening. I’m going to dine on the finest gas station sandwiches, check out the straight white teeth, deep, rich healthy tans and toned bodies that the citizenry there is known for and generally settle into their beautiful weather and jaw dropping natural scenery. Oh, and I’ll be sure to marvel at how inexpensive everything is!
I’m gonna try to blog from over there, but I’m also gonna be filming the whole thing with my trusty steed Toby for a tv show type thing that we do, so check that out.
Um, what else? I love you guys! Be excellent to each other and uh, I dunno…if you’re English, let’s get a beer or something in the next couple weeks, kay?
Cool. I can’t wait.
xoxoxoxoxoxo

46 comments:

Erin said...

You didn't touch on the fact that the majority of these "wives" are underaged girls....
:/

However, “Jesus fucking Christ. I gotta do something with all these basketballs!” did make me giggle.

myassisapipebomb said...

cool tag to roddy doyle.

Brendan Kelly said...

Point taken, Erin. I was, however speaking in the strictest sense about the polygamists with the high moral fiber and wherewithal to make sure all their wives are of age. Yeah. Once you start dealing in underage wives, well, you're just creepy.

thelasttimeisawyou said...

Alrite Brendan,

Whats the deal with the southampton show? Is it just you playing acoustic stuff off your new split or will chris and neil be playing stuff too?

Candice said...

I love you, too. Have fun!

And wait, are you a BSC sock drawer poster now?!?

Gregory said...

in guildford, check out the George Abbott Pub and The White House pub. they are fun places. White House has a great riverside patio with barbecue. damn i love guildford. i lived in that town for a year and waited the entire time for a good show to come through there.......but NADA. you are a year too late man.

Johno said...

Considering you love the place so much i'm amazed you're coming!
Can't wait :)

planespotting said...

Is this the first time in the 2+ years of BSC that the man behind the curtain has appeared in the sock drawer?

Jorge said...

Maybe he's stepping in to moderate the craziness that's been going on beneath the daily words. Shit was getting retarded.

Scott said...

where and how can i check out this mentioned "TV Show type thing"

Justin said...

National Geographic Channel did a special on a polygamist family (the Blackmore Clan) in, I believe, British Columbia. It was definitely in Western Canada, and I think Saskatchewan is way too prude to allow it to happen there. He had over 140 kids if memory serves. Look it up if you get an hour to kill; it's pretty well done.

Candice said...

Planespotting- there have been reported sightings of him in the other sock drawer (thesockdrawer.org)

Scott- check out jbtvonline. There is an older show posted where he does this great thing with his tongue. You'll love it! I know I did.

Moxie. said...

Dude! There's that Big Love show I briefly started watching about Mormon polygamists and had to stop because the idea of Bill Paxton having sex with someone made me wanna throw up. They touch on some of the really creepy aspects of polygamy (ex: underage wives, polygamist clans, etc) and Chloe Sevigny is in it.

dustyfloors said...

Ugh. I don't even want to talk about polygamy... See the girl loves that Big Love show. I in turn what it with her and pretend to like it because it gets me beejers...

The English are something I can talk about though... Favorite Englishman, socks? Mine is Ricky Gervais.

dustyfloors said...

*watch it with her.

Douglas said...

My biggest problem with a lot of the polygamist cults/societies/whatever you call them is that sense most of the "wives" aren't married according to the law and typically are forbidden to work, but have kids, they can get welfare checks which then can by siphoned off by the leader of the sect. Under the Banner of Heaven is another good and unsettling read about this topic.

Kevin Burnett said...

travel safe brother.

Sean said...

hahaha, I love how Beex followed up "Emily's" accusations of sexism with a post supporting polygamy.

That connection made me "rofl"

GW said...

I'm guessing that the Welsh are allowed to come for a beer too, right? Since only inviting the English when playing Cardiff wouldn't go down too well...

Bridgett said...

Was this BK's first Sock Drawer appearance? Wow!

America is not the only place with polygamists. There's a show on NatGeo (that's what the cool kids call it) called Taboo that deals with, well, taboo subjects, but they do it for other places in the world. Like tattoos, piercings, sex. They had one about marriage or the family unit and polygamy was in it. Interesting show, especially the episode about the dudes with the love dolls. One of those so awful but I can't look away things.

Misty said...

BEEEEEEEEEEEEx

myassisapipebomb said...

xbeex?

Owner Operator said...

dude. australias not all that great. just saying. we dont get as many larry shows than england for a start. douche.

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

Australia IS that great. I just spent a year there and im pretty sad to be back in canada.

Polygamy would be much cooler if it involved folding paper, i bet.

驚訝 said...

只用微笑說話的人,才能擔當重任。........................................

Scott said...

@candice man i miss the actual jbtv show i remember watching the lawrence arms on there like 8 years ago

doorstopper said...

Ha!,your first day in the UK and it's drizzle. See you tonight.

Chris Smith said...

I am so excited about Islington and Kingston shows.

Nico said...

yeah, the US isn't the only place with polygamists. Our president has over 10 wives or something. It's weird, but it hinges on a completely different understanding of love, marriage and family as a whole. So I'm not judging.

Sean said...

Oh man, anyone else goin to see Alkaline Trio in Ft. Lauderdale tonight?!

I'm stokedddddd

Owner Operator said...

karen kitten cupcake sweet... i'm not sure what to call you!

great for a holiday. not to live in. actually great to live in. but not all that great.

a question? how many larry shows did you see while here? in fact how many any shows did you see? and how much did it cost? about a bazzilion more dollars? yeh. thought so. ahhh. i guess that's the price i pay for 200 days with no rain. wait that's not a good thing cos we had no water. although we did have our first rain in said 200 days on monday. but then again that storm left 100s of millions of dollars of danage to Perth. yeah. australia is awesome...

word veri: nopli
how brendans kid lets his dad know he wants to play manopoly

Drew said...

Yo Beex... I know you've had some run-ins with mike's Cokie the Clown alter ego. I was just wondering what your thoughts were on the SXSW event that happened? Just in case you didn't read about it I attached the link. I can't gage whether it's a great gimmick, or just Mike flat out breaking down. THought it might open up a nice discourse...

http://www.pinpointmusic.com/cokie-the-clown-sxsw-2010-fat-mike/

Owner Operator said...

wow drew... that story is fucked up.

Banana@1000MPH said...

there's a vid of the event on megaupload, that article makes it sound more depressing than it was. After watching the video, I just think Fat Mike's fans are all really annoying.

Gregory said...

cokie the clown entire set on youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEy-ghYti6Q

Drunken Acorn said...

Wow thats some seriously fucked up shit. Now my day is going to be depressing.

Moxie. said...

holy shit. I don't know what to make of this... but whatever it is, it's terrifying

Mark said...

This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by Fat Wreck Chords

Really, Fat Wreck?

Moxie. said...

damage control. i can't really say i blame them... though it does make the question of whether it's real or not a little clearer.

P.S Don't Write said...

Yo, BK, does the offer of a pint still stand in Scotland? If so... See you next Tuesday, aye?

Owner Operator said...

this is gunna be hard while the tour is on. it makes it harder that you're not touring down under.

also, maybe fat have done that cos they're gunna publish it themselves? or something? i dunno...

Johno said...

"I'm like a record player..."

I hope you had as much fun last night as we did. I was the guy afterwards with The Falcon t-shirt by the way.

Great show, I can't wait for Saturday.

doorstopper said...

"I keep going round"

Blake said...

"with a needle in my arm"

Moxie. said...

making someone else's sound...

PS: http://www.lamebook.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/juggallo1.png

lollllll

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