So, as your overlord, I know you all look to me as a sort of guide as you try to navigate what’s cool and what’s lame and what’s dangerous out there in this crazy mixed up world. I’ve compiled a list of things that are unequivocally lame to help you out along the way. Now, this list is by no means complete, and I didn’t include things that are MOSTLY but not always lame (like, for example, big pants. Totally lame about ninety percent of the time, but Redman looks pretty good, so, well, there you go…not always lame)
Without further ado…
Shit that’s wack, yo:
Pompadours- um, that’s your haircut? It sucks. It sucks so bad that I don’t even know where to begin. Firstly, it’s greasy and gross and…no. You know what? I don’t even need to justify this one. You all know why this haircut is stupid. It just conjures all the wrong things. Here’s some other things that are lame that can just fall under the blanket of ‘pompadours’: dice, goatees, slick, velvety short sleeve button ups with flames on em, uh..what else? Flaming skulls…uh, you get what I’m saying. Things that just sort of vaguely denote ‘gambling.’ Hey Mike Ness, nice legacy. Sheesh.
Smoking: Never a good move. It’s a real kick in the balls though, because it looks great. There’s no one on this earth that ever started smoking for a reason other than “it looks cool”. Oh, yeah, almost no one admits this. People have all sorts of convoluted bullshit reasons why they claim to have started smoking, but none of it holds up under scrutiny. I mean, there’s no way that people can innocently fall into a habit that requires you getting sick and hating life for about two weeks before your body adjusts to taking in a new kind of poison. No one on earth ever enjoyed the first cigarette they tried. NO ONE. That’s a fucking universal truth, up there with ‘if you stick a pin through your skin, you’ll bleed.”
Here’s the thing though: smoking IS cool. It’s reckless and it looks rad and it really shows the world that you don’t even give a fuck enough to not walk around smelling like shit. Unforch, it’s also really wack. And it makes you die, so there’s that.
Being Bald- Being bald is just barely better than a pompadour, simply because when you’re bald you’re a victim, whereas with a pompadour, you’re putting effort into looking like a turd. Yeah. I’m gonna be bald someday. Lots of my friends are bald and look terrific. It’s not that. I mean, look at Bruce Willis, Frank Black and Ami James. It’s not like being bald just makes you instantly revolting (all the time).
BUT, know why being bald is lame? I’ll tell you: because it eliminates freedom of choice. You’re fucked. Baldness is the fucking KGB of genetics. You WILL look like this forever. Or, I guess you can grow the toilet seat deal out. Wheee! What a great time.
Hippies- Fuck these dudes. They smell and they have dumb pants on and they made their own jewelry and the whole thing just blows. Oh, wow. You’re into drugs? Cool. Know who else is into drugs? Everyone, that’s who. You’re gross and your girlfriend needs a bra, a razor and some stridex. Also, nice fucking music.
Wiggers (wegroes)- Know why the beastie boys are cool and enduring? Because they don’t pretend to be black at all. They sing about smoking angel dust, shooting up saloons and driving drunk and shit like that…. You know, universal shared experience that’s not tied to racial identity. There’s never in the history of the world been anything good derived out of a white dude pretending to be black. It’s just a failing situation every time. Conversely however, Carltons are pretty dope.
Cel phones- Okay, if you’re lost, the shit’s convenient, but good lord. I can’t even fucking drive without surfing the internet anymore. It’s like the things that have been invented in my lifetime that are so crazily convenient and entertaining (internet porn/youtube/itunes) are already not enough to satisfy my newly non existent attention span. Cel phones and mobile internet have made us so desperate for stimulation and instant gratification that it’s not that out there to suggest that I’d like to pirate some new songs while skyping and whacking off to porn while also texting someone else. I mean, fuck.When the rapture comes and all the Comcast towers fall down, we’re all gonna be bored as shit. Oh, and these things give you cancer. Just you wait. We’re all doomed.
Child molesters- Oh, man. I’m pulling a regular anti flag with this one. I’m going out on a limb and condemning child molesters. It’s just so fucking gnarly. I agree with Howard Stern…He’s calling for castration for child molesters and well, why the fuck not? Get those dicks off those dudes for fucks sake. The shit is gross. I mean, not only is fucking kids so fucking morally reprehensible and physically disgusting, but can you imagine how many wine coolers and hours of barney these gross fucks endure? Ick. Ick. ick. Even worse than hippies, but just barely.
What else? Herpes: Not cool. I think we all have herpes, according to the literature that I’ve read. Sounds like sexually active young people are vastly more likely to have it than not to have it. Apparently a lot of it is symptomless, which, hey, if I’m gonna have herpes, that’s the type I’d like, please. And, if the stats I read are true, it’s really kind of more of a disease to not have it…so well, huh. Maybe I take this one back. Herpes is okay. Jesus, does this make it sound like I’ve got herpes? I don’t think I’ve got herpes just for the record. Good lord. Shutting up now.
Okay, that’s the list for today. It’s kind of bumming me out to type this, so I’m gonna stop. This can become one of those things though, like my quest to define every kind of person in the world…a recurring theme. Shit that’s wack, yo. Would that be cool?
Okay, have a good day, turds.