Wednesday, March 3, 2010

What's it is strange and unusual to me

Well well well. I’ve gotta do my taxes but instead I’m writing this. I’ve gotta paint a baby room, but instead, I’m writing this. I’ve got to tell you all about the streaming of some songs off my new split record with Joe McMahon over on the Red Scare and Anchorless myspace pages respectively and a contest that punknews.org is having where they’re giving away cool stuff, but instead…woah. That’s galactic, huh? That shit just kind of all happened at once there. Maybe my taxes are done too. Lemme check…
Nope. Still not done. The funny thing is, I don’t even really do my taxes. I just kind of go through my receipts and write the numbers down and send them to an accountant. Funny how that’s totally stressful, even without being a real task.
I dunno. I had good stuff to write about today, but I’m blanking. I’m having what’s known in the business as a ‘rough morning.’ Not because of a hangover or anything. I’m physically feeling tip top. I just have all these fucking meetings that are popping up left and right and making me kind of crazed and well, the first one didn’t go too terribly well, so uh…what do they say about getting off on the wrong foot? I dunno. I personally think that jizzing on feet is an odd thing to do, but I guess it’s just an expression. My meeting definitely jizzed on the wrong foot this morning.
Anyway, okay, here’s what I wanted to really get into with you all today: One of my faithful readers sent me an article about vajazzling, which is probably the single most…well, I don’t really know, I guess. It’s exactly how it sounds. It’s bedazzling your cunt. Actually, that makes me think they should have called cuntazzling which is way catchier and more awesome, methinks.
Okay, that’s not the point. I’m sure a rival company will start up cuntazzling. It’s too good of a name to not use, but let’s get to the nitty gritty, right? It’s putting little rhinestones all over where your pubes would be if you were gross enough to let your pubes exist. That’s basically the long and short of it. I guess it’s popular in places like NY and Miami (just kind of a guess, like I said) but this shit is probably gonna be huuuuuuge, man. I mean, if people are already piercing their pussies and bedazzling their jean jackets, this is pretty much a foregone conclusion. Vajazzling is here, folks.
And you know what’s next? Dongazzling, not to be confused with dong guzzling, which is what you will most surely receive if you dongazzle. I mean, what could be more beautiful than a smooth, hairless nutsack encrusted in jewels? Nothing, that’s what. Take that, peaceful sleeping baby, the Grand Canyon, aurora borealis, uh…Ashley Simpson’s new nose and the In n Out double-double. There’s a new most beautiful thing on the earth: the dongazzled junk of some random dude.

The real question though is this: Is it cool? Is it lame? It’s hard to say. It’s definitely cooler than asshole bleaching, though realistically it serves less of a purpose. I mean, asshole bleaching gets the brown off of your anus zone, which can be offputting, if you’re, you know, a perfectionist, but vajazzling is uh…it’s pure spectacle, man. It’s just form with no function. I don’t think that it could possibly feel good to bone a girl with rhinestones all over her bush type area, could it? And let’s be frank, if you’re bejeweling your junk, it’s gotta be at least on some level about sex, so the idea of going through something that costs money and is presumably time consuming and uncomfortable to get just so you can be a more pointy and irritating-to-the-skin partner is, well, uh…I guess it’s lame. I guess it is. Hmmm…
Although, I mean, it’s hard to fault a process that encourages young ladies to show off their various clams, innit? That’s sort of written into the whole purpose of being a man, to build something great, destroy something even greater and ultimately see a ton of clams, so I guess I’m on the fence here. Dongazzling though, that’s hot.
Hey, that’s two Paris Hilton copyrighted catch phrases that I’ve used here in this entry. I hope she doesn’t sue. That would be lame.
I gotta go. Taxes. Sheesh.
xoxoxo

21 comments:

Jayzilla said...

dongazzling? pass-- im just going to stick with my prince albert -- retro, but classy?


serious Q: as an optimist, im going to win that punknews contest and drink outta that flask--

as a realist, i know thats not going to happen -- where can i get one??!?!?!

Jorge said...

"See a ton of clams" made me bust out laughing in my cubicle. Goddamnit. Also, I really wanna google vajazzling to see what all the fuss is about, but I'm sure work would frown on that.

Moxie. said...

I also am in a work setting that'd frown on googling Vajazzling. I guess I'll have to save it for the computer I share with my mom.

Also, I just read the profile for this blog for the first time- you like Midnight's Children?! You're one of 3 people to my knowledge who ever liked that book, myself and my mom included. Everyone else I know who read it absolutely hated it. Convoluted, long, drawn out, etc. Bummer.

Garfield Roscoe said...

Hey mang, did anyone catch The Daily Show last night? Samantha Bee interviewed some dude named Jonah Falcon [who has a 13.5" member]. Can't find this thing on the internet anywhere, little help?

Blake said...

Here ya go, Garfield.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/131788/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-tue-mar-2-2010

Shannon said...

There's actually legit continuing education classes for cosmetologists/estheticians to learn how to do this. It's half brazillian waxing and half vajazzling. I don't think they call it that professionally tho. You learn patterns and dying bushes too. Like red hearts and gold lightening bolts.

Blake said...

Wow, Shannon. I may have to get the AM! lightning bolts for myself. Hopefully, they'll post the pics on their MySpace Page!

Shannon said...

I would totally do that for you. I'm a professional you know.

Mike Damone said...

I believe its called Scrodazzling and it gives you disco balls

Drunken Acorn said...

Did anyone catch that Juggalo Law & Order the other night? Those Juggalos are really hitting the mainstream now.

laurabm said...

shaved pussy, bah. overrated. guys need to appreciate the classic full bush, or even a landing strip. bald = porn star (= vd) or pre-teen. ew.

Garfield Roscoe said...

Blake...
Haha, thanks man... but I meant the member itself... I mean, honestly, who doesn't want to see this guy's schwanz, and where better than the BSC to discuss huge giant danglers?

Candice said...

yeah i was totally hoping you wouldn't advertise that punknews contest anymore than it already has been because i don't want too many people to know so that i can win. it feels good to be a winner.

Robb said...

I'd love to see a Vajazzled spoof of the original theatrical poster for Bedazzled, with that signature crotch level shot of Liz Hurley, modified accordingly. Someone make that happen

Johno said...

So, I don't know if it's done thing to ask things like this but will you have copies of the split on the Lawrence Arms UK tour?
If not then any chance you could bring some?

Jesus said...

I will send a picture identical to the one you have on your link of Joe Mcmahon and let you post it all over the interwebz if you just send me that shit somehow. Or hook me up with something cool. Hold me to it!

JSIN said...

I still havent done my taxes yet either.

Ann.H. said...

taxes schmaxes :( booo

Toto said...

oh shit! that photo of the guy with a vagina... disturbingly gross...
my sister was walking behind me in the room and i think she just saw that, our relationship won't ever be the same again.

thatbilllatham said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1WQZ_kfvqI

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