Well well well. I’ve gotta do my taxes but instead I’m writing this. I’ve gotta paint a baby room, but instead, I’m writing this. I’ve got to tell you all about the streaming of some songs off my new split record with Joe McMahon over on the Red Scare and Anchorless myspace pages respectively and a contest that punknews.org is having where they’re giving away cool stuff, but instead…woah. That’s galactic, huh? That shit just kind of all happened at once there. Maybe my taxes are done too. Lemme check…
Nope. Still not done. The funny thing is, I don’t even really do my taxes. I just kind of go through my receipts and write the numbers down and send them to an accountant. Funny how that’s totally stressful, even without being a real task.
I dunno. I had good stuff to write about today, but I’m blanking. I’m having what’s known in the business as a ‘rough morning.’ Not because of a hangover or anything. I’m physically feeling tip top. I just have all these fucking meetings that are popping up left and right and making me kind of crazed and well, the first one didn’t go too terribly well, so uh…what do they say about getting off on the wrong foot? I dunno. I personally think that jizzing on feet is an odd thing to do, but I guess it’s just an expression. My meeting definitely jizzed on the wrong foot this morning.
Anyway, okay, here’s what I wanted to really get into with you all today: One of my faithful readers sent me an article about vajazzling, which is probably the single most…well, I don’t really know, I guess. It’s exactly how it sounds. It’s bedazzling your cunt. Actually, that makes me think they should have called cuntazzling which is way catchier and more awesome, methinks.
Okay, that’s not the point. I’m sure a rival company will start up cuntazzling. It’s too good of a name to not use, but let’s get to the nitty gritty, right? It’s putting little rhinestones all over where your pubes would be if you were gross enough to let your pubes exist. That’s basically the long and short of it. I guess it’s popular in places like NY and Miami (just kind of a guess, like I said) but this shit is probably gonna be huuuuuuge, man. I mean, if people are already piercing their pussies and bedazzling their jean jackets, this is pretty much a foregone conclusion. Vajazzling is here, folks.
And you know what’s next? Dongazzling, not to be confused with dong guzzling, which is what you will most surely receive if you dongazzle. I mean, what could be more beautiful than a smooth, hairless nutsack encrusted in jewels? Nothing, that’s what. Take that, peaceful sleeping baby, the Grand Canyon, aurora borealis, uh…Ashley Simpson’s new nose and the In n Out double-double. There’s a new most beautiful thing on the earth: the dongazzled junk of some random dude.
The real question though is this: Is it cool? Is it lame? It’s hard to say. It’s definitely cooler than asshole bleaching, though realistically it serves less of a purpose. I mean, asshole bleaching gets the brown off of your anus zone, which can be offputting, if you’re, you know, a perfectionist, but vajazzling is uh…it’s pure spectacle, man. It’s just form with no function. I don’t think that it could possibly feel good to bone a girl with rhinestones all over her bush type area, could it? And let’s be frank, if you’re bejeweling your junk, it’s gotta be at least on some level about sex, so the idea of going through something that costs money and is presumably time consuming and uncomfortable to get just so you can be a more pointy and irritating-to-the-skin partner is, well, uh…I guess it’s lame. I guess it is. Hmmm…
Although, I mean, it’s hard to fault a process that encourages young ladies to show off their various clams, innit? That’s sort of written into the whole purpose of being a man, to build something great, destroy something even greater and ultimately see a ton of clams, so I guess I’m on the fence here. Dongazzling though, that’s hot.
Hey, that’s two Paris Hilton copyrighted catch phrases that I’ve used here in this entry. I hope she doesn’t sue. That would be lame.
I gotta go. Taxes. Sheesh.