Wow. Yesterday was something, huh? It’s like we here at BSC international are some small Midwestern town and all of a sudden thousands of people flood in like we staged the gathering of the juggalos or something. Well, sadly, that’s all behind us now. It’s just us. I’ll say for the record that I hate that my opinions were broadcast as news, though I’m not dumb enough to pretend I don’t know why that happened, and I’d also like to mention that those anarchist kids, or those Against Me haters or whatever you want to call them, are the most humorless bunch of people, maybe ever. I mean, Sarah Palin is probably more fun. She at least likes to fuck and party a bit, right? Right.
Oh, and fucking and partying are fun, random anarchist lurkers. Get out of here if you don’t like the truth. I don’t want anyone lingering here that doesn’t believe in the sanctity of the natural pleasures provided to us by being born, and dirty boning is definitely included in that, so yeah…I dunno…shit. Every thing’s been so serious lately. It’s kind of hard to chill…
Nah, we can’t hide it, can we? There’s been record traffic here on the blog, based mostly on dildos who think their dumb opinions and passionate arguments about fake, non existent versions of actual, touchable bands mean a goddamned thing in the real world (and at least one guy who thinks that I’m a protégé of Ben Weasel…Hey, listen bud, I promised I’d never mention B weez again in this space, and well, I’m gonna leave it at this: I’d rather go on a week long camping trip, just me and Ben Weasel, than have dinner with you, random dildo. Google Brendan Kelly/Ben Weasel, or check out the BSC post entitled “that’s my pie” if you need a primer on why that’s an interesting statement. )
Okay, so yeah. These anarchists and former against me fans and general haters obviously all have dirty, dirty diapers and well, who can blame em, right? No one has come along and changed them, and lord knows they’re not changing anything just sitting there on the internet and dumpster diving for bike parts and day-old hoagie rolls.
Listen, dildos, I was once like you. And yes. Now I’m old and jaded. Sold out. I think food not bombs is a pretentious organization that lets privileged white kids get into garbage and prepare said garbage for people who are hungry mostly to let aforementioned privileged white kids feel like they’ve done something when really, what have they done? Fed garbage to bums? Wow. They would have probably never gotten that garbage if it wasn’t for you, Gavin!
I used to do this too. I know how hard it is to try and fit into a struggling culture when you’re not struggling yourself. Fuck. I mean, shit. You guys all stayed in last night and busted my balls for being a drunk asshole/ not seeing the whole trajectory of Against Me’s full arc from anarchists to wanna be foo fighters. What do you think happened to all those homeless? They probably died without the gentle soft hands of privileged white folks picking through the Dunkin Donuts dumpsters, eh? Probably.
Now, I don’t hate the attempt to make a difference in this world. It’s the most important thing you can do as an earthling. I think there is nothing so toxic as not trying. I also think there’s nothing as stupid on this earth as picking a fight with a bunch of ideologically driven morons on an anonymous forum such as the internet. Last night, reading all the comments that streamed in here, I was confronted by two distinct notions.
1. Jesus, everyone should take a lesson from the history of Against Me and NEVER try to appeal to this uniquely uncool and unbendable subculture of joy-impared dorks and:
2. these fuckers are just like Sarah Palin. They get all hung up on semantics. I say the phrase “stupid basement shows” as though I’m not someone who’s been to more basement shows than all of you. I STILL play basement shows. I played them Twenty, yes, TWENTY years ago and if I want to look at a facet of my life and refer to it as stupid, regardless of the fact that I’ve had amazing AMAZING experiences in basements while various bands (including mine) have played, it’s my fucking prerogative. Doesn’t mean I’m insulting your life, doesn’t mean I’m denying my own experience. It means I don’t have this dumb humorless existence based around semantics and propriety. Jeeeeeeeez. I thought that was why we got into punk rock in the first place: To kill the sacred cows. Now I can’t say a basement show is dumb? How bout this: Fuck a basement show. Fuck free water. Fuck the bums. Fuck the kids. Fuck the zines. Fuck all ages clubs that don’t serve booze, fuck bands that screen their own shirts, fuck hippies, fuck people getting paid in hugs/joints/full tanks of gas, fuck sleeping on floors, fuck sharing gear, fuck tours fuck vans fuck the internet and fuck the shit out of hand screened vinyl. Kay? How bout that? You people are so fucking interested in denying everything, but god forbid someone doesn’t like chaste hand holding, vegan cookies, the show at the local coffee shop, bangs and a buzz and stinky armpits. Then it’s a fucking mob scene, complete with torches, scapegoats, slogans and unwavering belief in a party line. Sounds uh…exactly like sarah palin, (uh…Hitler) don’t it? Well, that’s right you stinky shitsacks. You’re nothing but the young, ineffectual counterpoints to those who you most despise and your lack of motivation only helps them and proves their points. (oh, and just to restate, I love the idealism that drives people to care and attempt to change our shitty world. I think it’s really important. I’m just proving a point here about humorless dickheads and, well, generally trying to piss those self-same dickheads off. Why? Because it’s fun).
I mean, think about it, what have we done? There’s been an anarchist movement in this country for decades (the whole of the 1900s!). What do we have? A cookbook? Some shitty bookstores in basements with stained carpets? Tim McVeigh? Vegan meatloaf recipes? Wow. That’s an even lamer legacy than Chris Hannah spelled out for white people in “the only good fascist…” and that’s pretty sad, anarchists.
Oh, save me the time of sitting around on your internet and proving me wrong in times new roman, by the way. I’m on your side, actually. How bout you get out there and do something? Something real? Not protesting the cafeteria at your school, or the sexism at your office. That’s dull…Well, obviously you know nothing about saleability or commerce or how to get the ball rolling or how to get large groups of people galvanized or else you’d be following Against Me’s lead (or at least figuring out your own, better ways of doing it) and doing it, instead of sitting around and complaining and picking on me for sticking up for my friends, but then again, you’re anarchists and passionate, former against me fans, right? The only thing you affect is message boards and other people’s noses (by stinking, duh). And no. For the record, I do nothing. I’m everything you hate. I’m lazy and self serving and I want nothing more in life than to make money, eat bacon and die happy and fat. Fuck all y’all. So save yourselves the trouble.
But hey, y’all are punks too! I’m sure you lived it. I’m sure you could tell me a thing or two. Lord knows I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. I mean, punk? Tour? Anarchy? Peer education? Groundswell movements? Life long dedication to a subculture or cause at the expense of commercial success? Yeaah, what the fuck could I possibly know about any of that?
Here’s the real test, assholes. A motivated, truly inspired disciple of his doctrine would get out there and prove me wrong. A lazy dipshit would just settle for trying to point out my own hypocrisy and fight a meaningless battle here, or on some other message board, even after I’ve already stated that I’m not interested in listening. I mean, I’m obviously too much of an asshole to move or be swayed.
Which one are you?