I can’t find the remote control. It’s driving me crazy. It’s making me sweat. I’ve got a real equilibrium problem and bending down and getting up repeatedly makes me feel terrible. I think lots of people probably get this, but right now I feel sick. I was trying to turn on the television so my kid could watch his favorite show while I typed this thing out and, well, suffice it to say I’m dizzy and have kind of a headache now and as a result, I’ve got nothing interesting to say here and no time in which to say it. I need some K2.
Now, K2 is some new drug I just read about. Apparently it’s legal and it gets you pretty fucked up. It’s called “fake weed” because it’s some incense stuff that they’ve been selling in headshops that’s sprayed with something. Ha! You kids are on fire. I love a brand new drug. Not to do, mind you, but I love the way that introducing a new drug into the world just makes everyone flip out.
The scientific community describes the effects as pretty shitty- discombobulation, dizziness, increased heart rate, hallucinations, but I mean, if you read between the lines just a TINY bit, that sounds pretty good, right? Sure it does. It never fails. Cops and scientists provide the side effects of all drugs in the least appealing possible language, as though that’s gonna somehow combat the fact that EVERYONE takes drugs (not you, tight ass straight edge guy who doesn’t understand hyperbole. Just calm down). I mean, if weed really just made you dizzy, psychotic and delusional, Dave Matthews shows would look more like the bus station and less like a place where you just want to punch everyone in the back of the head for being such a content dildo. The idea of fighting drugs is so stupid it borders on religion, but hey, I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said a zillion times already. I’m just excited that there’s a new guy out there that can get all the parents excited and terrified.
When I was a kid there was an expose on Jimson weed which apparently got you super high and made you hallucinate and, according to the news, made one in three people who did it die. Well, they showed these two guys on the news that were locked up in a holding cell after apparently smoking the jimson, and okay, firstly these dudes were classic hesher paint huffers: sweat pants, mustache, long hair, Def Leppard tee shirts, the whole deal. They were such fucked up dudes just in general that they were obviously real scores as cautionary examples in the war on drugs campaign. Well, we watched these dudes smoke imaginary cigarettes and go to sit in chairs that weren’t there and shit and we all laughed our asses off and then discussed how fucking awesome it would be to get our hands on some of that jimson weed.
Now, full disclosure, I don’t know anything at all about jimson weed. Never saw it, never tried it. Fuck. It may really kill you, so don’t try it based on this story. I’m only illustrating the completely backwards effect that ‘scare tactics’ have on reckless teens.
Remember when those people made up the story about the African kids shitting and peeing into jars and then huffing the vapors when it all got heated by the sun? I wrote about it here about a year ago. That shit was awesome. There was FOR SURE a bunch of gullible teens around the globe huffing shit because some clever pranksters claimed that it produced hallucinations and euphoria on the internet. Be careful what you read, kids. Not everything on the internet is true. If it were, I’d be the president of Nigeria right now.
About five (eight?) years ago, they came out with that salvia stuff, which by all accounts that I’ve read produces a very disturbing hallucinatory state that’s really no fun at all, but hey! It’s legal, so kids party with that like crazy.
Now there’s K2, and it’s all over the news. Sounds familiar to me. I dunno. I personally think drugs are for losers and the elderly, but, like I said, I love it when they roll out the new drugs in time for spring “parent terror” season. It’s kind of fun.
Okay, gotta go. I got work to do.