Thursday, March 4, 2010

High, everybody!

I can’t find the remote control. It’s driving me crazy. It’s making me sweat. I’ve got a real equilibrium problem and bending down and getting up repeatedly makes me feel terrible. I think lots of people probably get this, but right now I feel sick. I was trying to turn on the television so my kid could watch his favorite show while I typed this thing out and, well, suffice it to say I’m dizzy and have kind of a headache now and as a result, I’ve got nothing interesting to say here and no time in which to say it. I need some K2.
Now, K2 is some new drug I just read about. Apparently it’s legal and it gets you pretty fucked up. It’s called “fake weed” because it’s some incense stuff that they’ve been selling in headshops that’s sprayed with something. Ha! You kids are on fire. I love a brand new drug. Not to do, mind you, but I love the way that introducing a new drug into the world just makes everyone flip out.
The scientific community describes the effects as pretty shitty- discombobulation, dizziness, increased heart rate, hallucinations, but I mean, if you read between the lines just a TINY bit, that sounds pretty good, right? Sure it does. It never fails. Cops and scientists provide the side effects of all drugs in the least appealing possible language, as though that’s gonna somehow combat the fact that EVERYONE takes drugs (not you, tight ass straight edge guy who doesn’t understand hyperbole. Just calm down). I mean, if weed really just made you dizzy, psychotic and delusional, Dave Matthews shows would look more like the bus station and less like a place where you just want to punch everyone in the back of the head for being such a content dildo. The idea of fighting drugs is so stupid it borders on religion, but hey, I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said a zillion times already. I’m just excited that there’s a new guy out there that can get all the parents excited and terrified.
When I was a kid there was an expose on Jimson weed which apparently got you super high and made you hallucinate and, according to the news, made one in three people who did it die. Well, they showed these two guys on the news that were locked up in a holding cell after apparently smoking the jimson, and okay, firstly these dudes were classic hesher paint huffers: sweat pants, mustache, long hair, Def Leppard tee shirts, the whole deal. They were such fucked up dudes just in general that they were obviously real scores as cautionary examples in the war on drugs campaign. Well, we watched these dudes smoke imaginary cigarettes and go to sit in chairs that weren’t there and shit and we all laughed our asses off and then discussed how fucking awesome it would be to get our hands on some of that jimson weed.
Now, full disclosure, I don’t know anything at all about jimson weed. Never saw it, never tried it. Fuck. It may really kill you, so don’t try it based on this story. I’m only illustrating the completely backwards effect that ‘scare tactics’ have on reckless teens.
Remember when those people made up the story about the African kids shitting and peeing into jars and then huffing the vapors when it all got heated by the sun? I wrote about it here about a year ago. That shit was awesome. There was FOR SURE a bunch of gullible teens around the globe huffing shit because some clever pranksters claimed that it produced hallucinations and euphoria on the internet. Be careful what you read, kids. Not everything on the internet is true. If it were, I’d be the president of Nigeria right now.
About five (eight?) years ago, they came out with that salvia stuff, which by all accounts that I’ve read produces a very disturbing hallucinatory state that’s really no fun at all, but hey! It’s legal, so kids party with that like crazy.
Now there’s K2, and it’s all over the news. Sounds familiar to me. I dunno. I personally think drugs are for losers and the elderly, but, like I said, I love it when they roll out the new drugs in time for spring “parent terror” season. It’s kind of fun.
Okay, gotta go. I got work to do.

21 comments:

Scott said...

one of the best lines ever: "Dave Matthews shows would look more like the bus station and less like a place where you just want to punch everyone in the back of the head for being such a content dildo."

On a side note, I got "wasted Potential" yesterday from Red Scare. Great album, and THANK YOU for covering one of my all-time favorites with "kiss the bottle"

Candice said...

if the dizziness feels like the world is spinning around you, you probably have benign positional vertigo. if it feels like you are spinning, it's probably orthostatic hypotension.

James said...

What if the world is spinning clockwise and your spinning counter clockwise? or vice versa? like a really, really fucked up playground carousel?

Candice said...

James- that means you are dying.

JSIN said...

I'll stick with my regular weed thank you very much.

James said...

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck... im screwed...

Heather said...

Butt hash. Everyone google it.

Matt Ramone said...

I've smoked salvia three times in my life. Here's how they went down:

1. I yelled at the bear in the ceiling for 10 minutes before wandering over to the corner where my cat was and talking to her at length (in my "serial killer voice" according to my girlfriend) about how chickens were awful, filthy birds and how lucky they were that we were consecrating their flesh by consuming it. Or something.

2. The dudes from Fake Problems were in my living room and I was already shitface hammered and it made Chris look like a goblin.

3. I smoked some right before the scary parts in The Hills Have Eyes remake and ended up scaring myself so bad I peed myself.

Drugs are fun.

Maximilian said...

never heard of this new stuff and never tried salvia. but a friend told me he felt like he was an action figure trapped in it's box. so yeah, shit's kind of scary.

sean said...

Salvia is no longer legal in Illinois. But that's why we have Indiana... for salvia and firecrackers.

Kevin Burnett said...

I tried salvia and it felt like I was in a worm hole and I had no "normal" vision other than warp speeding through space. It kind of felt like a 10 minute long nitrous balloon.

Ryan said...

Hi Dr. Nick!

Also salvia is, as stated, a terrible experience. I smoked it with my friend once on vacation in the middle of the afternoon and it made me curl up in the corner and try to sleep, after the world stopped moving like waves that is.

kathy.G. said...

I'm with JSIN. Except Neil called it grass a few weeks ago and that is my new (old) favorite term for it.

Your acoustic show a few weeks ago was fantastic by the way. Sooo glad I heard about it and went that night. And sorry for the insulting compliment. I suck!

You = awesome
Your acoustic set = amazing
(like a record palyer was my fav)
Chicago = super fuckin rad
Neil = greatest/dreamiest drummer ever

And thanks for the pic. That was a super fun time!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/kathyoob/4386322535/

Sean said...

everytime ive tried salvia (5 times) I have had good trips...

I rarely (like once every couple months) smoke weed, and ive never done any other drugs... but it's insane...

One time everyone turned into lego people... and another time my friend melted through a wooden deck.

The last time I did it my friend was driving his car from a show in Wisconsin and i saw some sort of a plant God. i think? It said you need to go back to earth now, even tho you dont want to. Next thing I knew I fell back into the passenger seat of my friends car going 80 down the highway.

I don't think I'd do it again, legal or not.

Harska09 said...

Salvia is fucking ridiculous. All of my friends were raving about how awesome it is and how I had to try it. So I said whatever and I did. I got in my friend's truck and he passed me a bowl that was packed with salvia. It's a one-hit type of thing. It tastes like shit. Like burning shit. So a second later, out of nowhere, I was laughing uncontrollably and the interior of the truck was spinning. 30 seconds later, I was back to normal, only I was really hot and sweaty as fuck. Fuck salvia.

Owner Operator said...

wow. the label actually amtched the story. you're getting old.

Bridgett said...

Salvia is illegal in Wisconsin as of like, 2 weeks ago. I was in a drug counseling class (like how to be an AODA counselor), and someone brought some salvia in then went into detail about how he took a few hits and rearranged an aisle at Walgreens to protect him from the invaders. Then the ex-coke head who lost both her legs because of something drug related called everyone 'sugar child'.

Jake Regier said...

Well, since everyone wants to describe they're awesome salvia story, I'll conform.

I think they really hit the nail on the head with the song 'Click Click Boom'.

That hook, man.

Or is that Saliva? Either way, I cried like a bitch the first time I tripped, so I doubled the dosage the next time and thought the cement on a cliff was a trampoline. It's probably God's fault I didn't die.

Nick said...

You've sold me. I'm going to try and find some K2 tomorrow. I'll probably end up settling for salvia though because I'd have most likely heard of K2 if they had it around here.

Zac said...

JENKEM!

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