Friday, March 12, 2010

What is this, some kinda tube?

There’s this girl I know who’s from space. She has been a visitor here on earth for lord knows what reason, or how long. She claims to be about thirty two, but she looks maybe nineteen. She dresses like Punky Brewster and when certain songs come on the radio, she makes great effort to contain herself, but she ends up pogoing around the room in spite of herself, regardless of the situation. I work with her. I’ve seen her with a pained, embarrassed expression on her face, involuntarily bouncing around a crowded bar to the dulcet tones of “Boom Boom Pow” before. Once, our manager had to call her about something and was surprised to find that A) she had no cell phone, and B) that her answering machine asks you to wait for after the howl, and then she (SHE!) howls loudly to signal when the machine starts recording.
She’s from space. She’s here for some reason I don’t want to know, and whoever trained her to fit into the American-white-people-service-industry society back on her home planet did a commendable job, but uh…the human lady is like an onion, er…uh. No, okay, the human female is like a house of cards. Urgh…mmmm…Look, it’s close but no cigar with this crazy bitch, kay? She’s got the right idea and if I ever went undercover on her planet, I’d love to hope that I could fit in as well there as she does here, but she’s missing some stuff, and she’s got some extra stuff. I don’t know. She’s from space.
Here’s what happened yesterday that kind of sealed the deal:
There’s a new girl at my work who’s from Oklahoma. She’s 22 and just arrived in the big city. (This would be a good time to point out that this girl is pretty hot and probably into getting wasted and making bad decisions, since, well, she’s from Oklahoma City, where in my experience people just get wasted and make bad decisions all day long, and here she is in the big, cosmopolitan city, where people are new and exciting and sophisticated and all that…so yeah. I dunno. Maybe you guys should come down to my work and ask her if she wants to go on a date or something. She don’t have lotsa friends yet, y’all!)
Kay, so yesterday I worked with Oklahoma and space alien. It was just the three of us. Oklahoma was asking questions about what was cool in the city, where to go and shit like that.
I mentioned that there was a lot to do here, definitely more than in OKC, although, I told her, last time I was in OKC I celebrated St. Patricks day at a street fair by eating five feet worth of corn dogs (true story. Sean Nader was there). When she asked why I’d been in OKC, I replied that in my other job I had to take lots of business trips. I know, kind of dorky sounding, but hear me out.
I’m an old guy at a bar talking to some wide eyed “fallen angel” type young pretty girl and the LAST thing I want to do is come across as some dildo flexing my dick about how radical I am and inserting that I’m in a band into conversations unnecessarily. That’s just gross, you know? So yeah. I said that at which point Oklahoma said, “business trips? What are you, in a band?” and my plan of not looking like a creep unraveled. I said ‘yeah,’ and kind of stopped the conversation, but it kept on going.
“That’s cool that you traveled with a band.” She said.
“Yeah, it’s a great time. I have a kid now and another one on the way so these days I kind of…”
here comes the space girl, who’s getting very interested in all this. She busts in with:
“So, when you do that stuff, do you guys just set up on the street anywhere and play? How does that work?”
Now, okay. I can forgive this, I guess. I mean, she’s from space. She has no idea what’s going on, and I’ve also noticed in my years on this (my native) planet that people who are really disconnected from the world of entertainment tend to think of concepts like “getting shows” and “going on tour” as impossible tasks on par with harnessing the sun, cold fusion and sucking your own dick. So, whatever. I asked her if her question was serious, and she assured me that it was. At which point I said, “no, we have an agent and she books us in clubs and bars and shit like that,” And I thought that would be kind of it. But THEN, Oklahoma asks me “Oh, you’re into the scene here. Where are some cool places to check out local music?”
Now, this question, to me, is kind of a tricky one, because with very few exceptions (and even then only if you’re the right kind of person) a club is only as good as the show that’s going on there. Okay, sure there are clubs that are always terrible, but even a great club sucks if Ultraviolet Hippopotamus is the headlining act. Sometimes you get a Fireside Bowl or something where there’s a real community sort of vibe and it’s more of an attraction than the bands, but again, that’s really rare, and lemme tell you, this chick wouldn’t have liked hanging out in the freside bowl. This I know.
SO, I’m trying to think of how to answer this question when space girl pipes in and says (I swear this is true) “The United Center has some pretty good shows.”

I mean, what? That’s where the Bulls play. The United center is a gigantic, 21000 capacity indoor stadium. When someone “plays a show” there, it’s like Madonna or Lady Gaga or Hootie or someone like that. (well, hootie’s not playing any stadiums these days, but you get what I’m saying.) Who in the world would EVER suggest a goddamned stadium as an answer to the question “what are some cool places to check out local music?”
Space person. It’s the only fucking answer. I’ve been trying to think of an analogy that encapsulates this amazing disregard for everything I know about society and I can’t. It’s too fucking out there. Now, this may come as a shock to you people but I usually find analogizing things to be almost instinctive. The fact that this particular BIZARRE little exchange is completely shorting my analogy circuits is evidence enough that this is other worldly shit we’re dealing with here. I mean, the United Center? Really? REALLY?

Well, whatever. She quit. Yesterday was space girl’s last day. Probably getting transmissions from the mothership or something. I asked her though. “Where are you from?” and she got all weird. She mumbled around how she’s from the suburbs of Chicago, mentioned a few towns and then looked at me and asked “why? Does it seem like I’m from really, really far away or something?”
I’m telling you. District 9. They Live. Alien Nation, erm…uh, V. Battlefield Earth. All that shit’s real man.
Be careful out there.

34 comments:

Seagull Steve said...

Jesus! Thats some funny shit. I know a couple of spacewomen...one of them thinks everything is a good idea. Seriously. Anything that you suggest as an activity, she will be way into. For her sake, Im hoping no one suggests gangrape, beastiality, or blindfolded basejumping for something to do. I dont really understand it...but then again the vastness of space is hard to comprehend.

Oh yeah I understand that talking your band up to a stranger is completely lame, but referring to tour as a "business trip" may not be much better.

Erin said...

... you probably should have hit that lady.

Kevin Burnett said...

Early morning huh? So let me tell you sir, your buddies played Lead Poisoning last night in Philly and really put on a good show. See you out there.

Donnie said...

I live in Houston and Hootie just played Reliant Stadium for the rodeo....

!thriller! said...

Haha United Stadium. I took my girlfriend to 3 days grace (i know i know, she likes em, not i) to the coliseum here in Madison. Not as big as United stadium, but it is the worst place to see live shows. I mean you got these fucking little scene kids running around so for people like me, who can drink, have to be caged off from everyone in a gate in order to have a fucking 6 DOLLAR BUDWEISER WTF! I get it.

dustyfloors said...

Where do you work? I'm really looking to find a partner for a threesome with my gf and I. Oklahoma sounds like she fits the bill. The gf has vetoed my selections thus far. Gratned, they've all been my hottest ex-girlfriends I could think of...

planespotting said...

Here's a kind of appropriate analogy:

If someone seriously asks "Where's a good place to eat in Chicago?" and someone else says "McDonalds is always pretty good."

Obviously McDonalds is a place that people can eat. Everyone knows this. You can't walk five miles in the city or suburbs without running into a golden arches. But when someone asks what a good place to eat is, most of us can assume that the asker already knows about McDonalds, and is looking for something more unique or local (not that McDonalds isn't a "local" restaurant chain, as they're based in Oak Brook, but still, you know what I mean.)

However, if someone is in a small town, and asks where a good place to eat is, McDonalds may be the (unfortunate) only option, and therefore be an appropriate answer.

Capt Murdock said...

Ultraviolet Hippo are selling their van to buy a bus while you languish in the bar business.

You need to step up your game dude.
http://www.uvhippomusic.com/?p=511

Dr. Karl Navore said...

Spacewomen is not alone! I used to work with someone just like her in Los Angeles. dude They are everywhere

Matthew said...

I told a guy at my work that my family is 100% english and I'm first of my family born in america. He very seriously asked me if any of my relatives ever come over and visit for the big 4th of july celebrations we have here. He's in his 40s some people just aren't with it.

Moxie. said...

Did you tell them fireworks take on a whole new level of awesome when coupled with burning effigies? ...'cause it does.

TheViz said...

I'm not too surprised about her ignorance about local music scenes or whatever, most people don't have a damn clue that shit goes on.

Blake said...

I used to be a meter-reader for DTE, which is the energy company for the greater metro-Detroit area. There is also a DTE Music Theater, owned by the same company. I stopped at a gas station while working. This girl wearing a Journey shirt was like, "You work for DTE? So, you were at the Journey concert right?!"

Mike Destruction said...

bahhha

Josh said...

http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2010/02/23

FranklinStein said...

Brendan, don't be so ridiculous. You're not old!!! I don't understand your logic. You have a kick ass, established band and you shouldn't be the least bit reluctant to say that you're in one. Just think about the amount of people--myself included--who showed up to the 10th Anniversary show with raging boners. Ponder that, motherfucker!!!!!!

P.S.
What are the digimon digits for this Oklahoma bitch?

JSIN said...

I hated being a Ultraviolet Hippopotamus.

Drunken Acorn said...

I had five feet of corn dogs but it wasn't food. No really funniest thing I've every read.

Dave said...

You should have also mentioned Soldier Field as a good place to catch a show.

Nico said...

District 9 is scarily real.

Banana@1000MPH said...

...and now you can't brag about your blog at work or OKC might just read this entry and get taken aback that you offered her as a date to your readers.

Blake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Blake said...

Speaking of girls from Oklahoma.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EREMUW6KDXM

Jake Regier said...

http://www.facebook.com/people/Brendan-Kelly/8814182

If I had a Facebook, I'd add this dude. But that's beside the point. What isn't beside the point is that I Yahoo!ed Brendan Kelly, and this fucker was on page three. As of page three, I still have not discovered BSC. So, unless this girl's really into you because of your monster dong or excellent band, I doubt she'll discover this entry...

Also, I think talking up your band only counts when you have a small semi-local gathering. TLA might be too big for Brendan to go around personally pushing them on young women...

Business trips, ehh. That's suit and tie Anti-Flag shit. But still kind of a badass substitute for band member.

Why do I do this? I don't know.

Jake Regier said...

...and 'hahaha' ^!

Jake Regier said...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_little_billy_s_letters

And this shit looks pretty cool, but since when did Ashton Kuther's dumbass show become a legitimate verb?

I hate Yahoo! so much, but I just can't disown this loyalty.

Eat, Drink, and Get Down! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hamilton Martin said...

best. title. ever.

laurabm said...

did you intimidate this chick into quitting? I bet shes really sheltered and has to try hard to make friends. Aww.

Blake said...

I don't get the title. Will someone help me out?

Hamilton Martin said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqWuwZElgDg

Blake said...

Thank you, Hamilton. I googled like crazy, didn't think to youtube it.

keithus said...

Holy shit, there's actually a band called Ultraviolet Hippopotamus. I thought you made that up.

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