Tuesday, March 2, 2010

this is the stupidest thing I've maybe ever written...

I woke up at five this morning with an idea for a television show rattling around in my head. Here’s the essence of the show: NBA stars taking dumps into toilets with scales in them. The idea is to see who takes the weightiest dump. The show would be called Pro-deucing! Say it out loud. Pretty rad, right? That’s true, by the way. That’s really what woke me up at five in the morning. Fucking outrageous. I should get a lobotomy.
I’ve got this problem. I don’t get out in the evenings too much these days, and when I do, I tend to wind up with a hangover that’s completely unfair and brutal. Here’s where it gets fucking crappy. The night AFTER the night I go out, after a day of recovery and all that, I always wake up in the middle of the night with my mind racing and panicking like crazy. I panic about money, friends, my reputation (I know, what?), my kid, my impending kid, the future, the past, all sorts of various things that I probably shouldn’t have said out loud and on and on and on like this.
I mean, I’ll wake up because of a train going by or a dog will bark or something, and it’s like there’s a little guy in my head who quickly turns on the light in his station and he just starts feeding thoughts into my thought processor, and he’s SPECIFICALLY trying to bum me out! “This guy doesn’t really like you. You don’t have a ton of money in the bank, you still haven’t done your taxes, your kid may possibly turn out creepy and it’ll be YOUR FAULT, your wife is about to stop putting up with your shenanigans, you haven’t heard back from the merch company in Europe, your dogs haven’t been to the vet in a while, you’ve not been to the dentist in thirteen years, why can’t you just relax and sleep? maybe you’re mentally ill. Now you’ve started sweating. Why? Is it because you’re actually sick. Is this what it’ll feel like to be sick and infirm and on the way to death’s door? We’re all gonna die someday. Even me. Even my wife and my kid and all my friends. There’s lots of perverts and violent motherfuckers out there. One moment’s all it takes for everything to change forever! You’re doomed! YOU’RE DOOMED! YOU! ARE! DOOMED!
That’s how it goes. And it just fucking goes on and on and on like that. Well, I went out to see my buddies play a show this weekend and so I was out two nights later than I’m used to/should be and so last night, the one that just ended, was the night after my hangover where I woke up and panicked about a bunch of shit that, frankly, in the light of day isn’t that scary. It’s only scary at four in the morning, for whatever reason, but at that time it genuinely wigs me out. It makes me sweat. I know this is a fairly common thing for people with sleep issues (of which I’m definitely one) but here’s the weird thing: Pro-Deucing. That’s what was going through my mind this morning. What the fuck is that about, eh? Why am I thinking of pro athlete shitting contests at five am? I’m sick. That’s something to worry about that’s way more immediate than if some dildo thinks I’m cool or lame or whatever.
Although….
Pro-Deucing is pretty funny. It’s a good name. Now, I know we’ve got some foreign and some elderly readers, so I’m gonna break down exactly why this is such a great name for this show.
Firstly, it’s literally a homonym for ‘producing’ which is what your body is doing when you crap. Secondly, here in America we’ve got a numerical slang system set up for all sorts of waste expulsion. Urinating, or ‘peeing’ as it’s colloquially known is referred to in certain circles as ‘number one’ and shitting, or ‘dumping’ is called ‘number two.’ Okay, so that’s out of the way. Some people prefer to spice up this numerical system by referring to ‘number two’ as a ‘deuce.’ “I just floated a sweet deuce up in your sister’s bathroom, bro” one may be heard to utter. So there you go. You’ve got the idea. Now, back to the show title: Pro, because they’re pro basketball players, deucing, because they’re taking dumps. Pro-deucing! Hillarious. And, again, you know, with the whole ‘producing feces’ angle, well, I’m sorry. I think it’s pretty good.
Actually, I’m starting to realize that I kind of missed a lot of sleep last night due to my crazy brain, and I think it’s making me a little loopy. Maybe I should take a nap or go to the gym or something.
Huh. Dunno. I gotta get my fucking will in order. That’s fun. I’m leaving it all to you guys! You guys will get all my various sheaves of early 80’s pornography and databases full of great ideas for wacky television shows. Uh…I don’t know, man. I’m out of here. Sorry about all this, really.

30 comments:

Sickie27 said...

I'll forgive you as long as you leave me the best of your stuff because I'm your favorite?

Zach said...

At least you don't have recurring dreams about Nazi's chasing your ass trying to kill you for some reason, then you escape.... and the dream then goes right back to the beginning where said Nazi's you just got away from, are trying to kill you again. This repeats. I'd like to have someone interpret that dream, good gravy. There's a good idea for a blog entry, dream interpretation. Give it a whirl.

James said...

As long as you leave me the Sista w/ big bush videos/pics, we're cool Mr. Kelly...

Thanks in advance...
James


P.S. hurry up and die

Candice said...

You have great teeth so stop worrying about the dentist. I can't even get started on your tongue because I'm at work.

And get your hands on some Xanax.

AlexCanteen said...

I used to get those racing thought moments, and sometimes still do. I started keeping a pad and pen by my bedside, and just starting writing all of them down. This helped me get those thoughts out of my head, and I usually passed out shortly thereafter.

Or something.

dustyfloors said...

I only have one question. Who gets the amazing turned absurd mesh trucker hat collection?

Moxie. said...

all the stuff you described (sweating, irrational fears, stressing over stuff you normally don't) sounds like a panic attack (which I'm sure you know, duh)... but the fact that it's linked to being post-hangover is pretty interesting (and obviously shitty).

(appropriately, the word verification is "lushen")

nd said...

Those same thoughts (minus the Pro-deucing tv show) used to keep me up at night too - and it was around the time my son was as old as your son is now. I chalked it up to being stressed about my "added responsibility" at the time. He's 8 now (and I also have a 4-year-old daughter) and still no money in the bank, still haven't seen the dentist, haven't written a will but none of that concerns me anymore. What concerns me now is that my brain isn't churning out gold like Pro-deucing. That's a money-maker, Beex.

STACEY MCCOOL said...

this happens to me every goddamn sunday. i black out for two days and then the night before i'm back to work i stress and toss and turn about that guy i blew 8 years ago and the drugs i used to do and how much money do i have in the bank and... yeah... pointless bullshit that fucking terrifies me in the middle of the night. WORST.

Capt Murdock said...

Stacey its nice to know you still think of me after 8 years.

Blake said...

Brendan, I love the show idea. It reminds me of when they weighed High-Pitch Eric's stool on Stern. I'm sure Stern would be happy to be an Executive Pro-deucer!

I've had that same dream a few times also, Zach.

FranklinStein said...

no need to apologize! this post was fucking hilarious! if you see this show come to fruition without your doing, tough shit! motherFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maximilian said...

i've got a similiar but still slightly different problem. actually i didn't get real hangovers on the next day for some months now. but i have this panic stuff the next night. it's not such huge topics about my child (i don't have one) or so cause i'm too young for stuff that's maybe really important, but still i have this panic toughts. like what to do with my life and stuff. and yeah. the day after this panic night i have in fact the hangover that should have been the day before. and it's usually worse than regular hangovers i'm used to.

and yeah, that pro-deucing was funny. i kind of got it right in front, but the explanation helped and made it even more funny.

Steve Jones said...

Hmmm. After reading this I feel really bad that I bought you a beer at about 330am or so on Saturday night cause that probably didn't help matters.

Nick said...

God fucking dammit. Zach broke godwin's law. I guess that means we have to close the sock drawer. It's been nice guys, farewell...

Bridgett said...

I used to have weird dreams every night. Waking up with the bed all torn apart, sweating head to toe, that kinda shit. Turns out my brain doesn't shut down all night because I've got that new killer disease they're diagnosing everyone and their brother with called sleep apnea, and apparently that makes your brain think some fucked up shit. Now I wear a CPAP to bed, and I don't have weird dreams anymore. Unless I take Nyquil. That shit is crazy.

PS: South Park episode with Bono? Did you watch that before you went to sleep?

Sean said...

I'd watch that show. It'd be almost as good as Jersey Shore!

Johno said...

Oh man, I hate the post-hangover nostalgia/did I really say that? worry-train.

I always want to write down these dreams for later hilarity but I can never be bothered to do much more than toss and turn and let them seep out of my head.

Robb said...

What is Godwin's Law? Is that where you describe the plot of the opening segment of The Twilight Zone (1984)? Because that's precisely what Zach just did... Kidding, I know what GL is. But seriously. Disappointed no one already mentioned this...

Jorge said...

Nice usenet reference Nick :)

Godwin's Law could be thought of as a limit as online conversation => infinity the chance of a reference to Hitler or Nazis goes to 1. Also, in the usenet days the conversation was basically over by the time someone invoked nazis.

Also, I heard the phrase "He needs to generate a deuce" while watching the gold medal curling match the other night. My wife and I laughed for 10 minutes straight. Its totally my new phrase for poops.

Dan said...

No, no, not the stupidest evar. Best evar 'tis--quite. Thanks for the b-day gift. Wanna see my suit?

lollololololololollololololoolollolo

egodiego said...

I don't know anything about having those problems after drinking. I sleep rather well. I get them most days I'm not drinking. Always worrying about stupid shit.

And the nightmares. The goddamn under the sea documentary movie poster gave me nightmares. That's just sad.

Dan said...

did i mention i drop deuces like no other? i'm no basketball player, but i'm certainly a pro-deucer

we can take a shit together in consecutive stalls as a tryout. I have one rule, though (even though the only sensible way to live is without rules): we gotta hold hands under the stall wall while i/we drop bomb(s)

Blake said...

I don't think he broke Godwin's Law, because he was describing a dream he had. If he compared his dreams to being like Hitler, only then, would he have broke the law.

Ann.H. said...

This made me remember the Howard Stern toilet scale too...

Blake said...

Dennis Rodman should be on the pilot episode.

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

I get pretty big panic attacks on hangover days now too. I didnt used to, but i think it means im getting old.

Another strange thing thats been happening is either:
a) i black out when drinking, but not the end of the night, the middle. Its pretty confusing when i can remember going to bed, but not who i got loser pissed with
or b) when i go to bed i keep dreaming in party mode, so that when i wake up i cant tell what REALLY happened last night, and what i dreamed.

Basically it leaves me with having a pretty confusing hangover day filled with stupidhead.

Kubiwah said...

Saturday was a fun night out at the show. I was in the VIP balcony and at one point next to you, in a trio hoodie (how ironic of me!!) explaining to my clueless sister who some of you were. (also a great idea to do in public in front of people i don't actually know personally, so my apologies for any awkward-ness.)

after the show i was pretty tanked, and you laughed at me sucking horribly at pinball while i was at the Gingerman. I felt like that was my Que to go, because if it wasn't for the pinball machine, i'd be "that guy who is trying to interupt long-time friends night out drinking"

anyways, i too had a weird night of sleep entering monday morning as well, not as interesting as yours though.

But i feel ya, yep.

Jennifer said...

I do the exact same thing! I have the craziest ideas when I wake up in the middle of the night and then I end up lying there and stressing out about something that is more likely than not totally inconsequential. You're not alone.

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