Thursday, March 11, 2010

red and blue garbage and the pleasure derived...

You know how there’s certain shit that you hate and the reason you hate it is because sometimes, against your better judgment, you like it, and it makes you so fucking furious that suddenly, in the darkest recesses of your brain, you’re kind of singing along to that Owl City song and loving it and suddenly, not only are you forced to acknowledge, on some level that no, this music isn’t COMPLETE dogshit, but also, now YOU’RE one of THEM, one of ‘those turds that likes this shit’. You’ve betrayed yourself, and why? How? I’ll tell you. Because anyone can accidentally do something good every once in a while, in exactly the same way that anyone can do something bad. Hell, even Tiger Woods makes mistakes here and there, man. There’s no real reason that, using that same sort of probability machine that Daughtry can’t accidentally crank out a tune that’s good. Not that he has, mind you, but…well. Read on.
God. So much to talk about today regarding this. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m not a Daughtry fan. I think they’re wack. I consider Daughtry to be in generally the same category as turtlenecks. They’re not for me and there’s nothing cool about them, but hey, you’re into em? Cool. Fine. No problem. I mean, Will and the boys are just playing some good old fashioned crappy rock music. Nothing terribly offensive in that, AND he’s said in interviews that when reviewers attempt to discredit them by saying they’re nothing but Nickelback 2, well, he loves that comparison because Nickelback has sold millions of records, and that’s what he’s here to do. That’s refreshing, I think. I mean, for how many people out there write songs like music is nothing but commerce, it’s nice to hear someone actually mention the commercial aspect of it in a way that’s not just whining and crying because the world turned a few clicks and now you’re stuck in an outmoded business model with a pile of cds and a chip on your shoulder about the old days and how shit used to work.
Fuck yeah, Daughtry! Get out there and sell that crappy music to those people with bad taste and buy a ton of those vests and jeans and boots that you love!
Truly, there’s a sinister motive here. That new Daughtry song is called Life After You, and it’s not so good. I mean, it’s bad. Downright bad, but I don’t change the station. It’s, to borrow a phrase from our brethren in Boston, wicked embarrassing, but I can’t quite hate the song. I mean, it’s a song for PUSSIES, by pussies about being a total pussy and at first I started listening to it because I noticed that Daughtry and Tim from Rise Against do lots of real similar things in terms of melody and structure. Now, I’m not saying that they sound the same or that in almost any other circumstance you should be putting these two acts up for comparison because well, look it’s obvious. One’s cool. One’s daughtry. But the fact remains, very different genres, but they’re approached similarly, and I found it to be fascinating.
But then the fucker got its hooks in me. It’s like in Super Size Me when suddenly, three weeks in, Morgan Spurlock is talking about how good the food at McDonalds tastes and you want to be like “NoooooooOO!” but you get it. You get inculcated into ingesting trash, you adjust. Fuck. That’s me and daughtry. Oh well. Keep it our secret, kay? Good.
On the other hand we have Owl City. I don’t know much about this band but I know that dong nozzle that’s in every other band in the world is doing the singing. This guy drives me nuts. Firstly, Death Cab for Cutie is the DUMBEST band name EVER. BAR NONE. And it’s a band full of fat guys. Okay, that’s not a deal breaker or anything. Some of the best bands in the world are nothing but fat guys. Like…uh, the Fat Boys, for example. But the thing is, these Death Cab dudes aren’t even embracing their ‘wacky fat dude’ personas and always having a pizza or a chicken leg within arms reach or constantly being shirtless or anything that fat dudes pretty much HAVE to do to be in a band. These guys are just nerdy, bookish fat dudes that now, somehow are in one of the biggest bands in the world. And man, the music is so fucking pussified that it borders on being audio castration. Fiest had more kick ass songs than these guys, for fucks sake. I mean, why oh why do I need to listen to a fat millionaire that’s somehow circumvented all the rules of rockstardom and become the main guy in three huge bands despite the fact that he’s a chubby nerd, drone on about how he feels disconnected and alone and the world is a lovely, sad, touching whimsical place if you can just harvest the energy of the light and trees and souls or whatever. Fuck off, duder. I don’t like that at all.
Although…sometimes it comes on and you have to admit, that guy’s good. He’s got it, whatever “it’ is. Just one turn of phrase here or there and it’s like “ah GIBBARD!!! YOU BASTARD! You win again!” and that makes me hate him more.
He sounds like John K Samson imitating Tom Delonge by the way. Listen to “Vanilla Twilight” (the all time gayest song title ever, by the way) by Owl City if you need evidence of this gross misappropriation of sound.
Also, I hate Will Smith but I love him in movies. Same with Tom Cruise. Same with Tory Lane. Nah. Tory’s cool.
Actually, no. She’s probably not. She seems like she’d be mean, right? I think so. Look, speaking of things I hate, it’s time for me to get ready for work, so I’m out. Later turds.

15 comments:

Heather said...

Naw, Ben Gibbard has nothing to do with Owl City. They're both just dudes who can pen some catchy shit. Except Bens been around a lot longer, and actually made some really good music back in the day. The Owl City guy sits down with his midi and his vocoder and girls go ape shit. I won't lie, sometimes when that fireflies song comes on I can't help but turn it up. Fuck it.

eRock said...

At first I thought it was Ben Gibbard as well.

Moxie. said...

Owl City fucking WISHES they had Ben Gibbard. What a bunch of Postal Service wannabe tools... sorry, they get me all heated. And not in the good way. Also, thank you for acknowledging that Ben Gibbard and Jon K Samson sound alike-ish. Though I'm biased towards the latter because his writing is mind-blowingly awesome.

jbody said...

when I first heard fireflies I knew the dude was ripping gibbard blind but also that ben couldn't if he spent the rest of his life dedicated to the task pen a song that ubiquitous.He wrote the last twilight lead single.twilight being the biggest cultural event (arguably) of the last few years.have you even heard it?no,he's not a vaguely cute diastematic red head y'all.very good call on delonge and the girls with the greenest eyes dude.thats him right?Im pretty sure bad religion used most of these verification words on no control.

!thriller! said...

"The year is 2040…the adult video business has gone through some drastic changes, the biggest of which is the introduction of sex droids as performers. Over the last few decades human performers have become a thing of the past. The handful ... Full Descriptionof human's that do remain in front of the camera are dependent on performance enhancing drugs to keep up with the droids.

Enter MRA-5, affectionately known as Mira (Alektra Blue), a prototype anobot. She is brought on set to do a scene with a human named Ryan (Randy Spears). The scene is incredible, and the people on the set are astonished by how lifelike she is. Ryan can't believe it either…and somewhere during the scene something happens… she begins to “feel”…she's more real than anyone could have ever imagined.

There is an immediate attraction between the two, and they are instantly bound by a forbidden love. Ryan fights his unnatural feelings of affection while Mira can't control her raw emotions, so new to her; they flow out of her unbridled…

But there's a catch, the powers that be don't want them together… it's not good for business. From her creator/builder, to the rival droid manufacturer who wants the rights to mass produce the MRAs, to the directors and producers vying to have Mira in their movies, they all have their reasons to want her alone.

But there's a ghost in the machine. Mira's programming seems to have a flaw in it…and only time will tell just how close to human she really is"

2010 AVN award winner for best group sex scene starring Tory Lane. Sounds very riveting. Have you see? I want a review.

planespotting said...

I laughed out loud at "John K. Sampson imitating Tom Delonge."

JSIN said...

You hit this one out of the park my friend!

Jimmy Collyer said...

I once had a 5 am drunken tirade about how the Owl City song sucks but "I get it." Also TLA fireflies is so much better.

EZB said...

yea, that fireflies song totally ripped off death cab. like to a T. but yea, i'm totally with beex, i like fucking taylor swift and shit when no one's around... shit. not that i respect her or anyone other catchy pop-star, but they do have some catchy shit. nothing you can do about it.

ACE said...

I totally get what your saying about Daughtry! My sister is so into them and I have no idea why?!! When I first heard Owl City's song, I thought it was Death Cab and told myself now they really suck! That song makes no sense to me! But I do like some death cab, sometimes it's okay to to listen to "pussy" music as you call it =p

Trace said...

It really pisses me off that that Owl City song had to be called Fireflies, cause... man, it'll never hold a candle to TLA's Fireflies in a million years. And when I'm telling people, "Oh yeah one of my favorite songs is called Fireflies" they're like "Oh yeah! Owl City! So cool!" and then I have to break it down for them, and then they don't care anymore.

Owner Operator said...

“Vanilla Twilight”???? it sounds like vanilla ice breaking into the straigh to tv movie bussiness with his only take on vampire movies.

Owner Operator said...

“Vanilla Twilight”???? it sounds like vanilla ice breaking into the straigh to tv movie bussiness with his only take on vampire movies.

FranklinStein said...

I love Death Cab and not all of it is "pussified". This'll hit close to home, Mr. Kelly: When I showed my older, punker brother a few of Chris's songs on Apathy back when I was 15--I'm 23 now--he said, "what the fuck is this, jimmy eat world?" that typical "this is pussy music" response also goes for samson's shit. and for the record, chris has always reminded me of samson...songwriting and looks. i love all three...gibbard, mcCaughan, samson. all are masters of the sad song.

Jorge said...

Dude, after listening to that song I'm just gonna go put on some postal service.