Monday, March 8, 2010

Ima let you finish.

So last night was the Oscars. Funny night, man. The oscar red carpet is such a bizarre phenomenon, because it marks the only place on earth where the true confluence of total success and barely, BARELY realizing any semblance of your dream occur. Here’s what I mean: Out of everyone who’s ever wanted to entertain anyone in movies or television, the Oscars are a show for those few who have risen to the tippity top of the heap. And there, waiting for the stars on the red carpet, holding microphones, are the people who just BARELY squeaked in at the buzzer. “celeb correspondents” are the lowest form of journalistic/entertainment life that there is. It’s the field where failed actors, failed models, failed legitimate journalists and newscasters and various dumb bimbos and himbos who have sucked an influential dick or two go to congeal before teeth whitening, barfing and tanning some more.
On oscar day, these two groups face off on the red carpet. It’s fucking hilarious. These parasitic ‘journalists’ are more botoxed and wild-eyed and giddy than the stars that they’re interviewing/being catty about/terribly jealous of/veterans of the same acting coach as, and they stand there and smile and shout asinine questions to some of the most self important dickheads in the entire world, every single one of which looks terribly uncomfortable.
This is the revenge. This is where Joey Fatone, Mellissa Rivers and Juliana Rancic get their revenge for not having sustainable careers as thespians or entertainers. They’re stuck on the backs of the beasts, eating the barnacles out of the flappity back skin of Julia Roberts and Kate Winslet. So, throughout the year they have these cheaply produced shows that star Mario lopez most of the time, and they sit there and they act like snippy cunts when they see Gerard Butler (whoever the fuck that is) in sweatpants at the safeway, but then, that one special day comes and they’re all there; the stars and the turds, almost in a cage match, surrounded by screaming fans. It’s the pathetic-barely-clinging-to-the-dream-of-being-entertainers versus the self-important-dipshit-actor-who-keeps-getting-told-how-important-he/she-is-despite-the-fact-that-he/she’s-just-an-actor-and-really-isn’t-important-at-all.
Suddenly, these celeb bots are screaming “who are you wearing?” and “Steve Carell!!! Come here! Brendan Kelly from E news! Just a few questions! Please! PLEASE STEVEN!!!!!! Thanks so much. I’m here with Steve Carell on the red carpet. Good to see you.” Silence. “Okay, well, I think the question everyone wants the answer to tonight is of course…um…How’s your night so far?”
This is really the level of journalism on the red carpet. For real. “Anyone you’re looking forward to seeing?” “Actually, yes, Brendan. I’ve heard that Mary J Blige is going to stuff a stillborn kitten into her pussy right before the dead celebrity montage. That’s something I’m gonna try to not be in the bathroom doing blow during.”
It’s a magical night, to be sure. Tinsel, lights, crazy old jewish ladies bum rushing documentarians and showing off the full effect of nine martinis and a speech impediment. Um, lots of people breathing really heavily. Lots of cheering and tears and so much fucking self importance. I mean, did you people watch this thing yesterday?
How about that whole rigmarole with the ‘best actor/actress’ category? I mean, these people are, not to put too fine a point on this, MOVIE STARS already. That means they get plenty of attention, money and adoration from the world as is. Now we’ve got a show where they can get awards. Fine. I’ll buy that. But then, they’ve got them just standing out there at the beginning in this sort of “look at these magnificent examples of cipher-artistry! This is the new pantheon of gods for the week” situation. AND THEN!!!! AND THEN they get their friends out there to just kind of talk each one of them up? What the fuck is that? “Oh, morgan freeman, totally good dude. Great actor. I’m pullin for you buddy!” said Tim Robbins (I’m paraphrasing a little). Do they need that last extra bit of dick suckery? Do they? They’re there, millionaires, sitting at a prestigious event being honored for essentially playing a childs game really well and THESE eight or so people have been picked as the top 8 for the year, and even then they need a further little editorial about how rad they are? God. Not since the AVN awards have so many people gotten their dicks sucked simply for getting their dicks sucked.
Oh, and I gotta wonder, do you guys think that Precious girl is gonna lose a foot, go blind or have a heart attack first? That’s about as unhealthy as a person can be and still be walking around, innit?

Finally, one question that was plaguing my friends and I last night: Cuba Gooding Jr. was at one time a respected, and some would even argue great actor. He won the best supporting actor oscar for Jerry McGuire which was pretty cool, if for no other reason than his career trajectory kind of was set up to mimic the purported trajectory of his character’s, with the oscar standing in for the great recovery from the brutal tackle. Still with me? Okay, so as we all know, Cuba Gooding Jr. ended up making a movie with CGI sled dogs and one where he and Horatio Sands end up on a gay cruise…not exactly oscar winner shit. It’s probably the worst plunge ever in acting. Is there a person or group that has done this in any other entertainment discipline? Fallen from the absolute TOP of the world to total ridicule? People who stop, or fade away don’t count. I’m talking about the total plunge. I’d offer that Metallica is close, but they’re still HUGE, so that’s not quite right. Axl Rose is closer, but he’s too odd and still kind of respected in a howard Hughes kind of way a little bit. It’s like, if Vanilla Ice’s first record had been a masterpiece, his decent to juggalodom would be right on target for the Cuba Gooding trajectory, but he kind of started out as a joke. I leave it to you, dogs of war? Who’s the Cuba Gooding Jr of music (or anything, for that matter)? Keep in mind, if they weren’t SUPER famous and successful, they don’t count. So ska bands and dumb shit like that don’t count, kay? This isn’t a time to show off your knowledge of the obscure. Got it? Good. Have a good Monday.

42 comments:

Gantry said...

Britney Spears maybe? Depends on the type of "success" you are referring to, but was definitely at the TOP of the pop world. Now, not so much...

Maybe she's comeback to non-laughingstock status in recent times, I haven't kept up. But the bald head, craziness and icky vag shots certainly were a tumble.

bruce said...

David Johansen from New York Dolls becoming Buster Poindexter and recording "Hot Hot Hot."

Robb said...

"Tinsel, lights, crazy old jewish ladies bum rushing documentarians and showing off the full effect of nine martinis and a speech impediment"

Yeah dude what the FUCK was that? You could seriously devote a whole entry to that piece of awkwardness alone. Also I love the "best sound editing/short film/short documentary/other "nerdy" categories because you're guaranteed priceless audience reaction shots of ignorant, bored indifference/ourtight hostility from stupid cunts who just want to stare at the bulge in Colin Farrel's slacks while he fellates Jeremy Renner

Donnie said...

Backstreet boys....went from sold out stadiums to half group reunion House of Blues tours

Candice said...

this was fantastic.

Robb said...

also let's face the fact Kathryn Bigelow is really HOT. I've thought this for years; not just a Hurt Locker groupie

Scott said...

Brendan, it would be quite possibly the coolest thing if you were to get the chance to be "Brendan Kelly, E! News" for next years oscars. I might actually watch it

Drunken Acorn said...

I'd say Jessica Simpson, she was "on top of the world" till America discovered she was dumber then a bag of shit. Then her counterpart Nick Lachey left her for a slightly smarter chick and her dad talked about how great her tits are. Her pop career now in the pooper she went to country music, where she still sucked. Then I saw that she was playing the Arizona State Fair, which is held in a giant parking lot where the Phoenix Suns used to play back in the 80's. I'd say that pretty Cuba like.

Oh and totally off subject but did anyone else hear the was a big earthquake in Chile. I'm just asking because I haven't seen a fucking telethon with all my favorite actors and actresses yet, but hey my fingers are crossed.

John Vancleave said...

I believe Sugar Ray fits into this discussion somewhere. Crappy unknown pseudo-metal band turns into insanely popular pop group by adding a black DJ to the band and some acoustic guitar riffs to the mix. Now all we're left with is a semi(but not really)-handsome, uber-tanned, botox injected television personality that is Mark McGrath. Talk about a meteoric rise to fame and an epic collapse into obscurity.

Jayzilla said...

briana banks....

she was making great films, really striving to be the next jenna (jameson, not haze)

seemed to be a real up and cummer....

dustyfloors said...

3 words: M C Hammer. Or does he not count because he kinda made a living off of being a total douche that blew his millions in record time?

Word verification: Refist. heh

Blake said...

Celine Dion?

Johnny Ramone said...

Ozzy

Johnny Ramone said...

Ozzy

Johnny Ramone said...

I don't really know how to use computers. sorry about the double post

Dr. Karl Navore said...

Cat Stevens

Robb said...

Carl Weathers? I mean he went from Apollo Creed/token tough black marine in Predator to "You got yoself a stew goin'!" on Arrested Development...
Good call on Sugar Ray. Limp Bizkit? As wrong as it is they were huge in their two-year heydey

Situboy said...

Jewell?

STACEY MCCOOL said...

this post was perfect. totally.

it's next to impossible to think of a band/artist that i didn't think was a joke even at the height of their fame.

how about the chics that aren't beyonce from destiny's child? every 70s rock band that only play at casinos now?

myassisapipebomb said...

eddie murphy.

the hottest comedian and actor of the late 70's and early 80's made some really entertaining and simple movies which i think kind of suck, but were largely successful.

then came dr. doolittle. then it wasn't long until...PLUTO NASH!!

eddie murphy. think about it.

Sean said...

Linkin Park?

haha

Banana@1000MPH said...

Tom gabel?

Yeah, I went there. (I am also aware that that guess is wrong for a number of reasons.)

Mark said...

Good call on Precious. Lord.

egodiego said...

Steven Tyler?

Apparently these days he's singing his own songs karaoke. And singing them over the loud speaker at Home Depot... And not even the classics - he's partial to "I don't Wanna Miss A Thing".

Bridgett said...

Smash Mouth (is in my closet and they're singing that song!)


Anyone?

danwallach said...

Allen Iverson is the Cuba Gooding, Jr. of the NBA.

R. said...

I would have to say that Mike Tyson would probably fit into this pretty well. Mikey Rourke prior to the whole 'Wrestler' thing last year also would earn a nod.

Ricky Martin would be a decent musical analogy. I think he might have won a Grammy even, but I'm way too lazy to look it up this late in the day. Now he only gets press by having to genetically engineered kids. Weird.

Was Michael Jackson too Howard Hughesian prior to his death to fall into this debate as well?

Buddy said...

The hair-metal bands coming into major success around 1989-91 (ie. Mr. Big, Slaughter, Extreme, Warrant), have to know what Cuba is going through. All worked their asses off to achieve major, major success, only to abruptly fall from grace in 1992 due to extenuating circumstances/poor choices.
"Bitter Pill" off Dog Eat Dog IS pretty killer tho..

jbody said...

hootie,marisa tomei{her tits and ass have made a come back in over-rated indie films},peter frampton(at the time not just because he plays theme parks now which is understanable),milli vanilli,live,the spin doctors,the blowfish,huey and the news dropped pretty fast,hallee berry(tv movie and catwoman no way to follow an oscar and she was cast in the x men franchise pre-oscar so that shit dont count),marlee matlin(she's deaf),dukakis,bo jackson,savanna(porn cuba),dan rather,cher(as an actress she had a weird period of critical and commercial success got an oscar even),marc bolan?mira sorvino,the goatee sportin fienne's bro,the reputation of the film crash.yeah then...cuba wins

Samuel said...

This is the perfect post. I had a really shitty weekend and this put a smile on my face and made me forget all the terribleness that occured. Thanks BK.

Fat people, I swear huh?

kennyg said...

Did anyone say The Rock? I wouldn't say he was ever as respected as Cuba Gooding Jr., but he WAS pretty big in wrestling. Then he stopped acting in the ring, and moved it to the big screen in a couple of action movies. And now, well... has anyone seen the trailer for The Tooth Fairy?

Toto said...

my country won the oscar to "best foreign film " (el secreto de sus ojos) and that movie sucks a big dirty and smelly cock.
Also,Sandra Bullock did so much blow she couldn't even talk.

Music Cuba : Korn

Toto said...

Cuba Awards:

Hip Hop Cuba : Eminem
Continent Cuba : Europe
Video Format Cuba: VHS
Dong Pleasing Cubas: Playboy magazine, soft porn, schoolgirl uniforms,Jenna Jameson, Silvia Saint.

Blake said...

Toto wins.

jim said...

What about Dubya?

Two term President who's own party didn't invite him to their convention so as to better showcase their candidates running on the idea of change, and now the only two people to really defend his legacy: Dick Cheney and Karl Rove. The two most evil reprehensible douches ever.

Proof of the downfall - Less than a year out of the most powerful position in the World, this walking durf sack will give a motivational speech to your entire office for $19.

JSIN said...

I can't belive nobody said The Weasel! Come on Pauly Shore went from "Hey that guy's pretty funny." to "FUCK PAULY SHORE! That dudes so lame I'd kick his ass!"

Matthew said...

You have to throw in Ice Cube went from one of the toughiest rap groups in the late 80s that you wouldn't want to fuck with, now doing family moves about road trips with smart mouth 7 year olds.

Same can be said for Ice T going as a respected rapper bad ass with a song called "cop killer" to now playing a cop or something on Law and Order.

jbody said...

snakes on a plane somehow.Huge cult following fizzled before release

Andrew said...

the best one mentioned so far is allen iverson

i'd have to go with donnie and marie osmond

Jake Regier said...

Hey, I saw 'The Tooth Fairy' yesterday, and it was fucking awesome. It's like they made a Hook II, but added puberty jokes.

Word verification: pubiesau

Mmm...pubiesau.

pogoisfun said...

I read this on twitter: "somebody just asked me if precious is goin to star in the blindside 2?"

PIXI said...

Lindsay Lohan and George W. Bush