Thursday, May 7, 2009

Droppin' loads! Edward James Olmos!

Shit. Man. Fuck. Hmmmm…..Well, I’m just gonna go ahead and say what we’re all thinking. Congratulations, Sickie 27! That’s pretty spectacular. If, by some chance you have no idea what I’m talking about, simply read the comments from yesterday’s entry “Hold On Dodge”. Easily the single greatest comment this dumb blog has ever generated. For those of you who don’t have the time or the patience, she just let some dude blow a load on her cans for the first time ever. Again, congrats!
Sexual firsts are pretty hilarious across the board, right? I mean, the first time I put my hand in a girl’s pants my brain completely scrambled because there was no wiener. I had never put my hand in any pants but my own, and the disconnect was too much for me to bear. I panicked, couldn’t figure out what was going on, never found the uh, entrance…and gave up in a huff, kind of like Nick Lachey when he tries to snowboard in that one episode of that dumb show about him and his mongaloid wife (although I didn’t throw the girl’s pussy down the stairs and stomp on it like Nick did to his snowboard…I’m a gentleman, after all.)
The first time someone put their hand in MY pants…Honestly, I don’t remember the situation, or who it was or anything like that, but I remember distinctly feeling like my hand was numb. I was already proficient in whacking off, so I was used to the feeling of wang in hand, hand on wang. It was burned into my synapses, so when suddenly the hand on my wang wasn’t mine, my brain misfired and read the whole thing as it STILL being my hand, but my hand just not being able to feel my wang, due to, I suppose, numbness.
I don’t know if I’m explaining this the right way. It was monumentally confusing.
I’m struck though, by Sickie27’s awesome comment. She let this dude blow a load on her chest…I’ve never in my life ‘let’ a girl do something interesting to me. That’s men versus women for you. You’ll never hear a guy say “I let her blow me” Nah, not true. More to the point, you’ll totally hear some asshole dude say that, but it’s taken as a given that what he means is “I totally bought her drinks, told her how pretty she was, took her to my house/her house/the car/the mensroom and begged for a beej/kind of nudged her head towards my crotch while we were making out/frantically and pathetically texted over and over again/etc, and now that I’m done with all that, I feel like a dork for being such a pussy and chatting up some girl and ignoring all my friends who were actually having a fun night just so I could get this blowjob from this dumb chick that I shouldn’t even be wasting my time with but I can’t help it because I’m kind of pathetic, so I’m gonna pretend that the ball was in my court the whole time and that I finally broke down and granted her the honor of blowing me.”
But let’s be honest…guys really aren’t ‘letting’ things happen. I’ve never allowed anything. My expectations, pants wise, have always been more like what they want from the chicks on rock of love or flavor of love. “Hey, welcome. Feel free to just hang out and do nothing if you don’t care about getting a pass to the next episode, but I’d also like to suggest that you are more than welcome get drunk and go as absolutely butt wild as you possibly can imagine.” I think this is almost every man’s general party line when it comes to this sort of thing….I mean, right? Of course.
Women really are the gatekeepers, and not just because vaginas are like gates and dongs are like keys (but with sores and warts instead of teeth), but because they are the ones allowing things. Fuck, you think at gay bars or bathhouses there’s a question of chest-load etiquette? Doubtful. Look, this is nothing new, and I’m aware of that. Men are horny slobs. Women deal with them in exchange for being able to tell long stories about shoes and coworkers and have someone listen. Right? I know, it’s the subject of BILLIONS of stand up routines already. I’m not original. Whatever, I gotta wash this load off my chest and get to work. Peace.

24 comments:

Some Young Guy said...

I need some advice. Let's say you are freakin', the furniture is squeakin', and she is tweakin', sayin' that she's weak in the knees among other things. So, anyway, cheek to cheek, and pound for pound, you're taxin' it and waxin' it and workin' it around and things of that nature, and then suddenly, the booty starts makin' that clappin' sound, right? And that's fine and all, but your friends are chillin' in the other room. The clappin's getting louder, and of course, you don't want your friends to make fun or "clown" you. In this situation, what do you do?

J said...

Probably shoulda made sure the door was locked.

Yeah, shit, Sickie's comment may just BE the best one ever. If only more young women were so fabulously permissive. Cheers!

planespotting said...

Oh man - I hope BSC doesn't turn into some free for all where all the girls who read this are required to list what they most recently let a dude do to them ...

that would stink ...

PIXI said...

Some young guy, just grab her ass and hold on. This way, her cheeks aren't flapping all over the place. Oh wait, did you want that answer in rhyme?

wilddanimal said...

I feel that should become standard practice, telling Brendan and his readers something you've let a dude do to you.

Matt said...

You have got to give it up to Sickie. I mean, come on, lets be honest, there is no pleasure on her end of this deal. All she is left with is a chest full of spunk. That doesn't sound fun at all, but she bite the bullet and let this guy live out a little piece of porn-star life, and blow a load on her chest. Good form Sickie, good form.

Joshua said...

this morning i woke up and blew my load on my chest.

then i hopped online and read BSC.

i think that means something.

Sickie27 said...

:) Single handedly the highlight of my day, thanks Brendan!

Around a bazillion profile views since yesterday: BSC Stardom.

-Yumiko

Joshua said...

as for Some Young Guy in comment #1:

In this situation, what do you do: [What?]
A, you, plain and simply, back up off her
B, you hit it just a little bit softer,
C, you take it out and put it in het butt,
Well, D is what I do, so, yo, listen up:
I put a towel on the floor by the two inch gap under the door
Now they can't see me any more.
Check the locks so they can't clock, but they can listen.
There'll be no bargin' in and there'll be no dissin'

cmon people, get with the digital underground.

Tony said...

That closing line was gold!!

Dave said...

I thought of a name for the people that travel around to go to Lawrence Arms shows and request some random Slapstick song - Slapstickafucks.

Scott Juniper. said...

on a non-blowing load on chest related topic, you were right, that Menzingers 7" is fucking amazing. so is their full length for that matter. the straight to hell cover blows me away.

Robb said...

I wish I'D fabricated the chest load tall tale in a deliberate, focused effort to win over the BSC masses! Then it would be ME riding high atop the flaming golden hawk. Menzingers fucking suck. Just kiddin! But about which part(s)?

(menzingers; flaming hawk)

Bridgett said...

As a female, getting a load blown on your chest is something that really has to be pondered. Think about it. Have you ever spilled something on your shirt? It soaks up, you change your shirt. But if you aren't wearing a shirt, it just kinda sits there. What is she gonna do with this jizz on her chest? She could stand up and walk to the bathroom and wash it off, but going from somewhat horizontal to fully upright will make it go everywhere. Maybe she'll be in a place where there's a towel or a shirt or tissues that she can use to mop it up. But then you've got that mess to clean up, and the post-spooge stickyness. The whole thing is pretty traumatic. Is there really a non-porno way that it ever ends well? I let a guy blow one on my chest, and about 30 seconds before, I had puked on his dick. (It was his fault for ramming his cock down my throat, I warned him.) He decided it would be funny to use some old Juggalo t-shirt he wore under a hoodie to clean it up, all the while complaining about "my mess". 15 minutes later, his boss called and made him come to work. Luckily for me, all he had to wear was the cum and puke covered raggedy ass Juggalo. No winners in that one.

Tonys_fake_macho_internet_persona said...

when Yumiko texted me saying "BRENDAN KELLY DEDICATED HIS BLOG TO YOU BLOWING YOUR LOAD ON MY CHEST!", i thought she was joking. I have no fucking clue how to react to this.

Candice said...

getting a load blown on your chest should not be traumatic at all.

clean-up is easy. you just lick it off your tits.

angrygrrface said...

I don't know about you, but I think I might have a hard time bending down to lick my own tits.

Although, you know, I guess that's one way to get some protein.

Nico said...

Wow... only very few girls in my lifetime have lapped it up from their tits. Candice, you are a keeper. :)

Moose said...

In reply to Bridgett-

I've always thought the gentlemanly thing to do was get the girl some toilet paper, a towel, or whatever. I mean christ, she just let me blow my load on her! Getting her something to wipe off with is the least I can do.

Capt Murdock said...

In theory the chest shot (along with the face shot) is amazing but it sorta loses something in execution.

It goes from being all "Ooh La La" to "Hey can you grab me a paper towel" in a matter of seconds.

Nothing worse than going from an ultra hot experience to haphazardly throwing on boxers and shuffling out to the kitchen to cleanup load.

It just isn't worth it.

Unless you are dating Candice in which case you are the luckiest man alive.

planespotting said...

Candice is untouchable.

PIXI said...

I just don't understand what the big deal is. So, she took a shot to the chest. It sounds like a normal day to me, when I'm in a relationship at least.

Nico said...

Fair enough PIXI. Maybe the two of us are living unnaturally porno lives?

Candice said...

If you are getting protein blasts on a daily basis I can see how getting a load blown on your tits might not seem like a big deal. But it's her first time. Give her a break.