Thursday, May 14, 2009

tomato? tomato? Potato? Potato?

Well, I’m afraid I have nothing today. This constant entertainment that you people need…it’s getting tiresome, honestly. I feel like one of many millions of monkeys just typing away at one of many millions of computers. This, the blogosphere, is the actual acting out of that old, dumb adage about probability. It’s happening now. The complete works of Shakespeare? Maybe not here at BSC, but go ahead, peruse the back catalog and I think you’ll find that what I offer makes Shakespeare look like a mere Juggalo in comparison.
For my next trick, I will use my tried and true fall-back method, the neverending quest to define everyone in the world, and combine it with a new and exciting trip to the comments page (the sock drawer) to really, really rattle some tight boxes (to borrow a phrase). Up next- Smart guys.

Hey, smart guy. Are you technically correct even though it doesn’t matter at all in the context of what’s going on and your technically correct knowledge is irrelevant? Yeah. Of course. I am guilty of this one. People will be talking, and I’ll find myself jumping in to point out why what they’re saying is wrong because of a dumb technicality. NOT because what they’re saying is wrong, mind you, but because it was a SEVEN state crime spree, not a NINE state crime spree, just for example.
I have this need encoded in my DNA. I say this because both of my parents are complete monsters when it comes to this shit. (That’s right. I know you read this.) My wife, also one of these people. (Yup. You too.) When it’s family time we just sit around and bite our tongues, cringing at how completely fucking wrong all the unimportant details are in each other’s stories. Except my mom who just ratchets up the volume and interrupts and begins talking about something else entirely. BUT, that’s a whole other category-Grandmothers. We’ll get to them. What’s my point here? Ah yes. The Sock Drawer.

Fuck you and your “Hindi and Mandarin are more spoken languages than English.” I phrased that shit like I did as a test of you assholes! I KNEW someone wouldn’t be able to resist sticking their sphincter in and correcting that little gem. Thankfully, one of the astute among you has already pointed out that English is a more widely SPREAD language than Hindi or Mandarin. Look, smart guy. Here’s a test for you. Fly somewhere in the world that’s not India, England or China. Now, you have 2 minutes to find someone who speaks one of these languages. Which one do you think you’re gonna come across first? Eh? Eh? Spare me the whole thing, okay. I get it, you’re very clever. You’ve got the facts straight. Nice fucking work. Really. Let me just state for the record that localized population density is a little bit irrelevant to world wide popularity, and that was really the point, innit?
Oh, and the whole thing about Spanish actually being the most spoken language…Yeah. That makes sense to me. I thought about that, but then I thought, “nah…Spanish? Who the fuck speaks Spanish outside of North and South America (and of course Spain?) Guess there’s a lot of mofos in those places. Makes sense. Look, who cares? I was just making a fucking point.
See, that’s the great thing about having a blog. It’s a one way conduit of information/shit talking/shaming/etc. This is why the “smart guy” that we’re defining today often arms themselves with a blog as a way of spitting erroneous information out into the world and taking snide jabs at loved ones. And, the blog format is also sweet for telling dick jokes, but you know, that’s another topic.
In closing, as you sit there, taking a dump while digging this on your blackberry, or squinting at a small window tucked into the corner of your office computer, or leisurely turning to this palate cleanser between vigorous masturbation sessions while laying on your couch as your dog licks your feet, think of me, Dogs of war…I’m at my dumb job, dealing with motherfuckers I absolutely cannot STAND, and I’m biting my tongue and not correcting their stupid asses at all. Even though, make no mistake…They are getting practically EVERYTHING wrong.
xoxox

Oh, and last night we practiced the new Falcon song. Let me be objective for a second and say, it's awesome. It will be unveiled at the Windy City Soundclash which takes place…uh, I don’t know, next weekend at Reggies. Get down there early and slap obnoxious stickers all over that fucking place like all the drunk dicks at Reggies did to my friend’s bar after getting all dickhoused at the cubs game last week. Never mind that the bar they trashed had a fucking poster for The Soundclash in the very fucking WINDOW THEY STUCK ALL THEIR CHEAP SHITTY STICKERS ON!!!! Dumb fucking mongaloids. Yup. That’s right. I said that shit.
Peace.

36 comments:

Candice said...

i think daily about you rattling my tight box. sometimes 2 or 3 times a day depending on my mood and the amount of good porn on youporn.com. this isn't what i was expecting though.

Gregory said...

I completely understand about dealing with people who are wrong all the time. I teach 12-14 year olds. I've slowly come to the conclusion that i just don't give two shits or have any empathy for teen angst anymore. Wrong profession? Perhaps.

turnitout said...

I think we just need to go back to talking about jizz. That never gets old.

planespotting said...

In re: Candice's comment.

Does anyone think it's getting a little warm inside the sock drawer? Not necessarily uncomfortable (yet), but, well, references to tight boxes and such are appearing more and more. Is this the kind of sock drawer we want? Perhaps it is - all I'm saying is, let's maybe just take a deep breath before we start unbuttoning our shirts and such.

Candice said...

don't be a prude.

Stizzy said...

lol @ planespotting

planespotting said...

Shoot, C, No one's being prude - I'm just saying, do we really want the BSC comment section to be a place where horny girls and boys trade witty sexual banter amongst one another other? Does there really need to be another one of those on the internets?

I'm just sayin' is all ... Nothing but platonic love to horny girls and boys.

Andrew said...

someone going to the falcon show better youtube that shit

pretty please.

kylewagoner said...

Watch out! Your Sock Drawer is becoming a message board!

Speaking of sock drawers, my friend Nick tells a great story about how he used to masturbate into a sock (he started telling us about it while he still did it) and then people he didn't want to know about it figured it out and started telling his brother and it ended up that his parents thought he was hiding drugs in his sock drawer or something. So he burned his socks one day while his parents were out in the stove in his basement and his dad came home and the sock wouldn't burn right. It wasn't even cold at the time, but his dad came down and thought something was on fire; Nick told him he was trying to start a fire. His dad looked at his crusty, burnt sock and what he tried to start the fire with, looked at him, and said "....Well you're doing it wrong!"

It's funnier when he tells it.

love,
Kyle

bishikon said...

what "Andrew" said, oh and they better link it @bsc too

btw i have a question for you mr big shot athiest. so the idea behind the "big bang" is that the universe is made from a hot dense condition that expanded aka an empty space got bigger (wikipedia wew!) now how the fuck do you explain nothing heating up? how did this temperature exist? how did this empty space get there in the first place? atoms merged?
how did those atoms come into existance in the first place? YEAH TAKE THAT LAB COAT WEARING MOUSTACHE SPORTING MOTHERFUCKRES

Candice said...

i apologize for my raunchiness

Stizzy said...

"Watch out! Your Sock Drawer is becoming a message board!"

actually..would anyone be interested in that? a sock drawer forum? I'd set it up if anyone would actually use it. I have no life and I need a hobby, a person can only ejaculate so many times a day.

Capt Murdock said...

@ bishikon:

To answer your question of "When did it all begin or where did it all start?"

It doesn't need to have a start point. Humans are programmed to think in a linear fashion but the majority of the universe exists in a cyclical nature. Nothing needs a beginning because it has no end.

Now to spark a doob, light some Nag Champa and jam out to some Ultraviolet Hippopotamus.

Capt Murdock said...

@stizzy:

Yes Yes and Yes.

Just send me the address!

turnitout said...

There are forums on lawrencearms.org but no goes there much less post on there.

Stizzy said...

@ capt murdock that's enough motivation for me I'll set one up, if it don't catch on then it don't catch on

@ turnitout I'm not thinking in terms of a fan forum just one place where like minded assholes (and assholettes)could dick around on instead of doing the work that we should be doing during weekdays


I mean I don't expect anyone to actually use it but it's a hobby anyway

turnitout said...

@Stizzy I would totally use it. I am the king of dicking around on the internet.

Stizzy said...

right on, I suppose it should have BKs blessing as it would be -loosely- affiliated with the BSC. What have you Brenden? you ok with letting those of us at the bottom of the sock drawer spawn a BSC spin off forum?

admp said...

anybody want to be super nice and tell me if my music's as bad as my haircut, or if, you know, there's a different ranking you'd ascribe?
www.myspace.com/fossilarm

I figure fellow BSC readers are the only people far enough away from me to be honest.

oh yeah, and please stop telling Candice to keep herself under control. That goes against everything I believe in. For shame.

kylewagoner said...

I just read in a flyer that you're playing with a few of my favorite people and bands, including Toys That Kill and Paddy with The Arrivals. I so fucking wish I lived in Chicago at times like these. Why aren't you playing Insubordination Fest? I say the only way to make Insubordination Fest better this year would be if you and Off With Their Heads played. Maybe The Queers, too. And The Sheckies. Oh well, can't complain. Seriously, come to the East Coast and I'll slit throats to get to the show.

Seagull Steve said...

A BSC spin-off messageboard sounds bucketloads of nerdy and embarrassing. Jesus god. Props to the guy who teaches kids and doesnt like them, its good to keep it real. Oh yeah, if I could pick any band in the world to release a new album this year, it would be The Falcon.

Buddy said...

I believe it's spelled "P-r-o-p-a-g-a-n-d-h-i," sir..

tobiasjeg said...

Just that bit about Reggie's. Ha. Oh my. And HELLO Candice...

Robb said...

Actually, no it's not. Because he's talking about the rapper Propa-ghandi, whom spells it exactly like that. Maybe next time, though.

Robb said...

...And it seems I'm wrong. It's apparently spelled just like the band, but with the dash...Propa-gandhi. Fuck!

Sickie27 said...

...If there is a message board started, can we be really obnoxious and shun everyone who isn't a "reg"? It'd totally make me feel like I was a part of something.

And have like those YouTube gatherings, where a bunch of nerds show up at one place and talk to people they only talk to on the internet? But then we'd all just get naked...? Assuming everyone here is 18+, of course.

Brendan has started something very important.

turnitout said...

I am all for a large naked gathering. I say we all go streaking after the 10th anniversary show.

Stizzy said...

yeah a BSC spin off board is bucketloads of nerdy seagull steve but blogs have always been pretty nerdy and following blogs has always been pretty nerdy so I guess everyone here is guilty

but here we are posting comments and responding to them that's 9/10ths of a forum right there

like I said it's something to do in free time and I don't expect anyone to really give a shit



and sickie in the event of a board shunning and naked parties would be mandatory

Matty GBone said...

BK, I love the Twins. I might hook up with this girl just because she is Gary Gaetti's daughter and he played 3B for the team that won The Series in '87. What do you think?

P.S. Don't you think Amanda Tague and Neil would make a cute couple?

Justin Stitches said...

Though I don't post often--hell I think this is my second post--I am glad that there's no separate forum.

I am somewhat lazy and restricted on the daily time that I have access to the internet. I don't want to add another site to check daily. Call me a square, but I don't want to spend ALL fucking day on the net. I like the fact that I can read Brendan's thoughts and then read what perved-out thoughts spring forth from fellow Drawer members... oh, and whatever intelligent rebuttals or insights, too.

Just my two cents.

Rattle them tight boxes yo.

Cheers.

Let me holla atcha. said...

Jesus won the first ever Wimbledon tournament. Fact.

planespotting said...

If there was an actual sock drawer message board, I promise that sexual innuendo, banter and even suggestive situations could flow without interruption from my BSC comment-section parenting.

Candice said...

i say no separate forum. i'm sure brendan's parents are as perverted as him but are too busy to go to multiple sites to get their daily fix.

but what the hell do i know?

Capt Murdock said...

OK enough of this pussy footing around.


http://thesockdrawer.proboards.com

PIXI said...

well if shunning people and naked parties are mandatory, count me in!

Andrew said...

dude gary gaetti played for the cardinals for awhile. we're on top of getting the old vets immediately after their prime. I can list dozens. Mark McGwire (depending on who you talk to his prime may actually have been with the cards), tino martinez, dennis eckersley, larry walker, jim edmonds, ...