Well, I’m afraid I have nothing today. This constant entertainment that you people need…it’s getting tiresome, honestly. I feel like one of many millions of monkeys just typing away at one of many millions of computers. This, the blogosphere, is the actual acting out of that old, dumb adage about probability. It’s happening now. The complete works of Shakespeare? Maybe not here at BSC, but go ahead, peruse the back catalog and I think you’ll find that what I offer makes Shakespeare look like a mere Juggalo in comparison.
For my next trick, I will use my tried and true fall-back method, the neverending quest to define everyone in the world, and combine it with a new and exciting trip to the comments page (the sock drawer) to really, really rattle some tight boxes (to borrow a phrase). Up next- Smart guys.
Hey, smart guy. Are you technically correct even though it doesn’t matter at all in the context of what’s going on and your technically correct knowledge is irrelevant? Yeah. Of course. I am guilty of this one. People will be talking, and I’ll find myself jumping in to point out why what they’re saying is wrong because of a dumb technicality. NOT because what they’re saying is wrong, mind you, but because it was a SEVEN state crime spree, not a NINE state crime spree, just for example.
I have this need encoded in my DNA. I say this because both of my parents are complete monsters when it comes to this shit. (That’s right. I know you read this.) My wife, also one of these people. (Yup. You too.) When it’s family time we just sit around and bite our tongues, cringing at how completely fucking wrong all the unimportant details are in each other’s stories. Except my mom who just ratchets up the volume and interrupts and begins talking about something else entirely. BUT, that’s a whole other category-Grandmothers. We’ll get to them. What’s my point here? Ah yes. The Sock Drawer.
Fuck you and your “Hindi and Mandarin are more spoken languages than English.” I phrased that shit like I did as a test of you assholes! I KNEW someone wouldn’t be able to resist sticking their sphincter in and correcting that little gem. Thankfully, one of the astute among you has already pointed out that English is a more widely SPREAD language than Hindi or Mandarin. Look, smart guy. Here’s a test for you. Fly somewhere in the world that’s not India, England or China. Now, you have 2 minutes to find someone who speaks one of these languages. Which one do you think you’re gonna come across first? Eh? Eh? Spare me the whole thing, okay. I get it, you’re very clever. You’ve got the facts straight. Nice fucking work. Really. Let me just state for the record that localized population density is a little bit irrelevant to world wide popularity, and that was really the point, innit?
Oh, and the whole thing about Spanish actually being the most spoken language…Yeah. That makes sense to me. I thought about that, but then I thought, “nah…Spanish? Who the fuck speaks Spanish outside of North and South America (and of course Spain?) Guess there’s a lot of mofos in those places. Makes sense. Look, who cares? I was just making a fucking point.
See, that’s the great thing about having a blog. It’s a one way conduit of information/shit talking/shaming/etc. This is why the “smart guy” that we’re defining today often arms themselves with a blog as a way of spitting erroneous information out into the world and taking snide jabs at loved ones. And, the blog format is also sweet for telling dick jokes, but you know, that’s another topic.
In closing, as you sit there, taking a dump while digging this on your blackberry, or squinting at a small window tucked into the corner of your office computer, or leisurely turning to this palate cleanser between vigorous masturbation sessions while laying on your couch as your dog licks your feet, think of me, Dogs of war…I’m at my dumb job, dealing with motherfuckers I absolutely cannot STAND, and I’m biting my tongue and not correcting their stupid asses at all. Even though, make no mistake…They are getting practically EVERYTHING wrong.
Oh, and last night we practiced the new Falcon song. Let me be objective for a second and say, it's awesome. It will be unveiled at the Windy City Soundclash which takes place…uh, I don’t know, next weekend at Reggies. Get down there early and slap obnoxious stickers all over that fucking place like all the drunk dicks at Reggies did to my friend’s bar after getting all dickhoused at the cubs game last week. Never mind that the bar they trashed had a fucking poster for The Soundclash in the very fucking WINDOW THEY STUCK ALL THEIR CHEAP SHITTY STICKERS ON!!!! Dumb fucking mongaloids. Yup. That’s right. I said that shit.