Tuesday, May 26, 2009

R O C K in the USA!

This weekend was great. The falcon show was off the proverbial heezy (are kids still saying off the heezy? I don’t even know what a heezy is…a hook? I think it’s a hook, meaning that I’m essentially saying [in weegro] ‘off the hook’ which was, if I’m not mistaken, a colloquial turn of phrase from my college years. SO, regardless, probably a little dated now, right? Anyway…) and afterwards I went to the International Men of Leather gathering at the Metro where I hung out shirtless with 1300 other shirtless men. It was pretty great. My friend Katie was there too, notable for having the only vagina in the whole place (unless someone had one in their handbag or something, psycho murderer style).
All in all, great times were had by me, even though I really fucked up my fingertip and some girl called me a ‘total douchebag’. Whatever, right? I’m not here to NOT be a total douchebag. Uh, anyhoo…
Okay, so I was rummaging through the Sock Drawer looking for some good content for today, when I came across this little query for advice:

Q:
Hey Brandon_
Im working on my senior thesis project for my degree in music industry at drexel university and im writing/presenting about booking agents and bands experiences. I'd love to ask you like 4 or 5 questions and use your quotes in my presentation, if you can please drop me an email at rmh44@drexel.edu it would be suchhh a big help. keep on rockin.
Cliff

A:
Oooookay. Where do I begin here? There’s just so much going on, I’m not entirely sure what tack to take. Well, fuck it, let’s start at the top. You’re doing a little presentation, right? Involving a little bit of research, yes? Okay. Good. Here’s a little bit of research you’ve already jumped right past…My name isn’t Brandon. I actually am a little bit amazed that you could get all the way to the comments section of my blog and leave a comment and not somehow stagger across my actual name. It is, in fact, just by the way, spelled brEndAn, which is, not to belabor the point, a whole different name. I’m actually looking through the sock drawer and noticing that my name appears just four comments above yours, RIGHT THERE on the same page. Oh well. Honest mistake. For the record though, nothing too pro about asking someone a favor and getting their name wrong right in the same breath. I mean, I’m a swishy Hollywood type, man. I need to be coddled and told how great I am, and constantly referred to by my properly spelled, properly pronounced name, you know? Look, here’s another hint, booking agents, band people, they NEED validation in the form of being properly addressed. If you’re gonna do a presentation about bands and agents, you should DEFINITELY put that in there. You can even use that quote, if you want.
Next, if you want me to help you, YOU should really be the one doing the work as far as facilitating contact. Don’t ask me to email you on a public forum. It’s laziness. It doesn’t look good, Cleff. It just doesn’t. Besides, what would I say in the initial email to you? “Hey Cllif, Brendan here. Just email me over those questions now. Thanks.” You see how odd that shit is, man? It’s just awkward, and frankly, it’s not my job to ask for the work I’d be doing for you. I’m not doing that. I can’t. Too awkward. Next time, what you should do is click the link right here on this page that leads to my email, and email me something like this:
Hey dude, I’m doing a presentation on rock bands and agents and shit for school. Would it be cool if I sent you a couple of questions to this email address?” That’s how you get people to do you favors, man. Keep it simple and easy. I mean, as it stands, I’m seeing a guy who is going to have a terrible research presentation because even his preliminary research has been, I think we can agree, up to now, pretty sub par, AND this is the same guy who wants me to email him and provide him with the majority of the content for said presentation. Clifff, buddy, I don’t think I can move forward in this partnership. Sorry. It’s just not a project I feel confident in, bro.

Oh, and finally, if you’re gonna elongate the word “such” to emphasize what a great help it would be if I wasn’t instead just being kind of a dick, you should really go with “Suuuuuuch” instead of “Suchhh.” I don’t have any idea how you even pronounce a series of repeating H’s, but yeah, kinda odd.
Anyway,
I hope these answers help. Good luck out there, man.

I was gonna write a whole thing about how coolness is underrated, but I’ll save that for tomorrow.
Oh, and Cliff, I’m fucking with you. Just send me the questions and I’ll help you out. Sheesh. Don’t cry. Good game. See you in the showers.

41 comments:

SaulioSBJ123 said...

I kind of have the feeling he came to this blog once and wasn't planning on coming back - just waiting for the e-mail. I could be wrong, but I get that feeling.

Robb said...

The douchebag comment reminded me of something from last month's St. Augustine show. During your set, amidst some of your between-song banter, this girl in front of me said to her friend, rather snarkily, "Umm, is he a musician, or a comedian?" Then, this dude standing nearby nonchalantly turned his head and said, "Shut the fuck up." And she did. Bitch looked like someone had sweep-kicked her grandma. Anyway, that guy rules. If you read the bsc comment section, that guy, I'd like to send you $5. I have paypal.

bert said...

i think the repeating h's would be pronounced in more of an exhale rather than an actual vocal sound.

Robb said...

P.S. Had I been more on point that night, which I wasn't, I would have leaned forward and whispered, "He's both, you naughty bitch".

Zac said...

BOOM ROASTED!

Nico said...

Hey Robb, it was me. Thanks for the money.

ethan chase said...

I just clicked on the handicap sign thing next the word verification because i was curious... what the FUCK! At first I thought it was a handicapped person trying to talk, it was really weird.

Robb said...

Nico thought he was smart, but he knew not Prince Robb's cunning--that the prize was actually a tender kiss and a signed copy of 'The Giving Tree'!

Cobra Chai said...

I think I'd wear an official Sock Drawer/Dong of War t-shirt if they existed.

Anyone wanna make that happen?

Capt Murdock said...

I'm hoping the shirt gets made.

If not what will Brendon give away once he picks the winner from the BSC Essay contest?

There must have been some good entries because judging seems to be taking quite some time.

http://thesockdrawer.proboards.com/

PIXI said...

Hey Brendan,
When I was in highschool, my sister had a friend that moved here from Elgin. She thought it was so weird that I had a Slapstick poster on my wall, cuz she said that she was friends with them in middle school. Anyways, I was just curious if you remember her. Her name is Heaether Venetucci.

Nico said...

Just yesterday a 19-year old tried to convince me she has partied with the Ernies.

Not saying your friend is a lier at all Pixi. Just saying mine is.

Hey Robb, where do I collect that tender kiss?

Capt Murdock said...

On the topic of people who know Brendun....

I used to go to school with this guy who swore up and down that he used to live with Braundan. The guy was also an uber fan and his whole apartment had Larry Arms stuff everywhere which I always thought was weird.

Anyway Brehndohn is this true. Did you used to live with a guy named Josh with red spikey hair and nautical stars above his elbows who moved to the Philly area, used to be really thin and gained tons of weight and talks really nasally?

PIXI said...

Well on that note, a few years ago I met a girl, KT, who claimed she knew the Alkaline Trio and had hung out with Brendan at a bar, but she kept calling him Dan. I don't know about that girl.

bert said...

hey cappy...

don't scare brendalina jolie away.,,,

MF DUMB said...

hey pixi, i think her name was nannette nannucci.

i mean towelette padatucchi. or collete clititoucci. i mean gaggagooch.

man, i hope someone gets this reference.

Robb said...

You'll collect it in my dreams Nico; where the red fern grows.

Ok BK, so you may remember doing a podcast for 'sound scene revolution' with the Falcon from back in '06. Listened to it again the other week... Anyway you keep saying "Yeeeah seeee, I'm Neeeil, seeee?" in this sort of roaring '20s swagger accent. Besides fucking hilarious, it struck a special chord because back around 9th grade I came up with that EXACT same "Yeeeah seeee?". And I have no idea where I got it. What the hell IS it from? Seriously.
I'll just link it since it's a good listen anyhow.

http://soundscenerevolution.com/?s=the+falcon

SaulioSBJ123 said...

Speaking of Sound Scene Revolution. I won that podcast and then after not getting anything for like a month, they told me Toby would never follow through, but they would still send me something. Then they never followed through and wouldn't respond to anymore e-mails. I wasn't really entitled to anything, but it was disappointing to win and get nothing.

Cliff Legend said...

Yeah yeah yeah laugh it up. Im actually a frequent reader of this blog/show attender of the Larry Arms. I just talked to someone named Brandon right before I posted that comment. Didn't expect to get that kinda response tho. My bad. But continue to fire away at me I take it when I deserve it.

admp said...

Cliff, cheer up.
Being made fun of my Brendan Kelly and his team of goons is the brutality equivalent of being made fun of for your directing ability by Michael Bay.

Just send BK the questions, he's way nicer than watching Transformers.

amandatague said...

i have seen interviews where your name is brian. i also saw you play once as bradley.

get your fuckin' story and your name straight already, bk. if those are your real initials.

also, today in my human sexuality seminar we did a crossword puzzle that had answers like felching, golden showers, and tits. i figured you, of all people, would enjoy this.

FAskies said...

Haha, I'm listening to the recording of the St. Augustine show, and after Unicorn Odyssey Brendan starts talking about the Goonies. Someone in the crowd asked what it was, his reply....

"It's like if the jazz singer was about italians", i laughed for a good five minutes

Dave said...

Today's post and comments made me laugh. Everyone had a good time at old Cliff Claven's expense. I bet he is a solid dude, though. We all make the occassional typographical mistake.

By the way, if I would have had crossword puzzles in college with answers like "felching" and "tits" i am sure I would have been more interested.

Any sightings of Ultraviolet Hippopotomus lately?

AndBurnTheRest said...

Since we're reminiscing vague encounters with Brendong et al I guess I could mention the time I saw The Lawrence Arms in SF. I was pretty wasted and ended up talking Chris' ear off about how I met this girl in college and we ended up hooking up because she saw my copy of Apathy and Exhaustion...at the time I thought it was a worthwhile story. Now I kind of regret being a drunk fanboy douchebag. Sorry Chris. If it's worth anything, the ass was good.

Bridgett said...

I was at the show Saturday, and I have to agree that it was excellent. I tried to get my boyfriend to yell something at Brendan because he said something about a sandwich, but my boyfriend's a wuss. But what would you yell, something about a bad sandwich, or about the sock drawer? And would he have understood what you were talking about?

Nick said...

Agreed with ethan. That shit is crazy. I don't understand.

Mikey said...

wait wait wait...where can i find a recording of the st. augustine show?

FAskies said...

@mikey: http://www.forums.lawrencearms.org/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=13&start=105

enjoy

Uhh if the recording bugs you in any way Brendon I will take it off our forums.

FAskies said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
myassisapipebomb said...

brendan, some advice please:

i finished my freshman year of college this spring, i did well, got good grades, had a lot of fun in chicago, started dating an awesome girl who isn't a complete cunt (a rarity these days) and experienced some crazy shit. also, my parents who pay the majority of my tuition lost over half of their savings and probably will not be able to continue to send me to school anymore. i told them all year that i had no clue as to what i want for a career/job/life etcetera and they told me it was okay and i shouldn't worry about it yet. now all of a sudden, they are telling me that if i want to continue going to college, i'm going to have to:
a. choose a career NOW that will justify us finding a way for me to stay at my current school
b. go to a state school in minnesota (i didn't get into any decent ones when i applied senior year) and basically put everything off and pay less so i can continue to...do...whatever it is i do
c. attempt to find a job in minnesota which has a 10% unemployment rate in the twin cities metro area

i don't want to leave chicago and everything i've already set up (good grades at a good school, girlfriend, friends, a certain lifestyle that is comfortable for me) and i know i can't decide on a career already because most of the time i can't even decide what fucking socks to buy at shopko, and finding a job right now in minnesota is near impossible, i've been turned down 15+ times in the two weeks i've been out applying. not even one goddamn interview. no one is hiring.

so basically, a little guidance from someone who has had way more life experience than i have would be appreciated.

p.s. i was the guy that talked to you about the sock drawer in the bathroom at reggies this past weekend. just fyi.

Mikey said...

ooooooh nvm, i found it. hey, awesome! this made my day.

this sounds great too. :D brendan, you're a truly inspiring man.

Mikey said...

oh thank you though FAskies.

I feel like a douche though cause it seems like I put zero effort into looking for it before asking. I did infact, I've looked so many times but I guess I just hadn't looked in the right place until tonight. But thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

Sickie27 said...

1) This made me laugh so hard.
2) I would totally wear BSC/Sock Drawer shirts if they were ever made.
3) Probably never to a Larry Arms or Falcon show, though. I think that'd just be awkward.
4) More obnoxious than awkward, maybe.
5) Would you even recognize any of us? Even without shirts?
6) I'd probably recognize Robb. That beard is hard to forget.
7) I thought I saw Brendan at the Off With Thieir Heads/Against Me! show not too long ago. But it was just some random guy in a silly hat.
8) I'm totally winning that essay contest. >:o
9) Man I love BSC.

ak said...

rob....great story. In the spirit of sharing I'm going to share a little jem from my older brother's past......so some time in 93 my brother decides to visit my cousin in Boston. My cousin had turned him on to punk rock and all other sorts of independent music. Around this time a vast majority of people into anything (punk, metal, grunge etc.) had long hair, as a matter of fact almost all of my brothers friends did. So he goes up to Boston (we are from Houston...now I live in Austin) and they decide to go to a Sick of It All show. At the show my brother is standing in the back and a "skin head" girl kicks him in the back with her Doc Martins (evidentally they didn't have as much of the long hair thing going on in Boston...not really sure). He found this quite rude and told her to not kick him in the back. Well seeing this as an opportunity for further confrontation she kicks him again. Once again he tells her not to kick him. This of course happens again later in the show. Mind you, he tried being nice, so he turns around, punches her in the face and lays her out and runs as fast as he can out of the club. My cousin has no idea wher my brother went to and has to meet him back at his place. Evidentally my brother hid in a chinese restuarant for almost an hour in order to avoid the beating of his life.... he said it's pretty funny looking back on it, but at the time he was realy fucking scared......

Capt Murdock said...

Since the focus of the comments has shifted from vague acquaintances of Mr BK to actual show stories I'll throw one out there.

Once I saw the Larry Arms at the Starland or Starlight Ballroom in NJ and my girl and I took a bunch of E and nothing happened. We were so bummed that we just hung out at the bar the whole time and missed the show.

It was not awesome.

Shane McPain said...

haha, i took e at a nofx show once, and while i'm pretty sure it was fun, i know for a fact that the next day was...not my best.
Waking up and having a panic attack because i felt i really really had to leave the house, not being able to find any clothes, man that sucked. ended up walking the three miles to my granparents house wearing a really tight vandals shirt and some swimming trunks. and dress shoes. with sunglasses, my mums sunglasses to be exact.

now that i think of it, that was the last time i took e. that day sucked.

sheila said...

to myassisapipebomb,

#1. There is no reason for you to rely on your parents to cover your school tuition. I did 5 years of school on my own while working a full time job bartending. You can apply for financial aid and student loans in your name and not involve your parents. You also mentioned that your grades are pretty good - your school should have a directory of scholarships that are awarded annually. Go to the financial aid office, or the financial aid page on your school's website and check out what is available for you to apply for. I would suggest immediately looking for work in Chicago and saving every penny that you can so that you have money for room and board, etc. for the upcoming school year. And keep your job through the school year. Your grades may reflect this a bit at first, but once you get used to juggling work and school things will work themselves out.

I really don't have a #2. Hope this helped, though.

Also, I understand that this may sound like a lot to take in during one sitting, but look at it as a jump start on the real world.

Andrew said...

To Robb about the "yeaaaah seeee?"

I don't know where you may have gotten it from, but it was definately in a Dave Chappelle stand-up routine about 3-5 years ago.

Robb said...

You know I think I may vaguely remember that skit. I never got big into chappelle's show. But when I came up with it I was like 16 back in '00. It's like something you know you've heard somewhere, some cigar-chomping fat cat character. Like a James Cagney/Humphrey Bogart thing.

Robb said...

Ok...you said it was from a stand-up he did, not the show. Nevermind. I have no goddamn idea what I'm talking about.

Dan said...

The "yeaahhh seeee" thing always reminds me of Big Boss from C.O.P.S.