Monday, May 11, 2009

Michigan possible

Jesus, I almost forgot about you guys today. I was working on this song, and time just kind of slipped away from me. Now it’s after noon and I still have all sorts of bullshit to do…I have to contest a ticket and call the pediatrician and fun shit like that. Woo! Also, I have to go….look, that’s not important. It’s, frankly dull. I’m bored just writing it. Well, I guess that those of you out there who like my band can take heart in knowing that I’m getting close to finishing a pretty cool song. That’s something, right? Sigh.
The weekend was nice. I have a friend who rocks a pretty unrepentantly savage program of wastedness who turned thirty this weekend and I swear, I think he made the whole city hung over through the sheer force of his own revelry. Last night, every single person who came into my bar looked like they’d been slapped silly with a bottle of nyquill and a bag of cheap blow the night before. So many chicken wings were consumed. So many embarrassing moments were silently remembered and cringed at. So many people didn’t show up at all and I just kind of stood there doing nothing for hours on end.
Well, as much as I love the idea that one guy’s party agenda can make a whole city hung over, I think the real reason was mothers day. Everyone had to get up and hang with their moms, and hangovers were therefore not properly dealt with.
Fuck. Look. I can’t just be explaining this to you people. We’ve got things to do. We’re trying to turn this blog into an interactive community and as I go through these comments, I gotta say, I’m a little stumped…Okay, let’s give it a try.

Let’s see I’m going through these now…Have I ever jacked off at work? Dude, I lived in a van on the road for a job…so yeah. For sure. Right into chris’s socks. He loves it.

Ah, now we’re talking. This is a really nice comment:

“I accidentally jizzed inside a 30 year old single mom on friday night...it would have been better had it been on or around the tit area. She was still really nice though.”

Now, that’s a great story, but also a bit of a pickle, because well, if she’s a mom, you know she’s fertile, not terribly into abortions and at least somewhat down with kids in general, AND due to her age, she’s probably fully aware that her fecundity is, like the browning leaves on an autumn oak, withering and you know, dying…so, hey, I’d say, nice work. Awesome, in fact. Worst case scenario, please consider the name Brendan, or Bad Sandwich if it’s a girl. Beautiful name for a little girl.

Someone wanted me to write about neil. Neil is the drummer of my band and he’s fucking goofy as shit. One time, we were at bob evans following a show in St. Louis the night before. I ordered the cheddar potato soup. Neil ordered the eggs benedict. When the waitress came, she placed my soup in front of neil by mistake and he picked up his spoon to dig in. When I said, “hey man, are you gonna eat my soup?” he said, without a hint of irony or humor, “Oh, sorry. I thought this was eggs benedict.”
Now, this is strange for several reasons. Firstly, who the fuck thinks eggs benedict comes in a bowl or looks like soup, right? It’s a common dish. It’s described on the menu. It’s, not to belabor the point, NOT SOUP. Secondly, who orders something off a menu that they don’t even have a general concept of? I mean, I’m as adventurous as the next guy, but how do you even get to the point where you decide on ‘eggs benedict’ without the benefit of having even the remotest idea of what it is? I’ve been to sushi places where I don’t have any idea what anything on the menu is, and I ask for recommendations, because, well, how the fuck do you make a choice with NO information at all? Right? I know…like I said, goofy as shit, man.
Anyway, this story is 100% true. It was a while ago, though. And I’m pretty sure that Neil’s an old hat at eggs benedict now. Yup.

Everything else seems to be about jizz, Candice, or some combination of the two, except for the guy who wants to hear about the broadways. That’s my old band…We were um…unpopular in our time. Let’s put it that way. We actually made a kid cry in California because he came to see us based on the band some of us had been in previously (a ska band called slapstick). While we were on stage, I saw him ask the door guy when the ex slapstick band was gonna play. The doorguy pointed at us and said “that’s them now.” The kid burst into tears. Ha! Dumb kid. Stupid expectations. They’ll burn you every time.
xoxoxo

43 comments:

Scott said...

lets see, jizz, chicks i don't know or bands...I go with bands. all of those bands were amazing, fun to watch and I still listen to the broadways on a regular basis. Lawrence Arms are my favorite though. I'll be honest, reading you are writing a new song is pretty exciting. BSC is my daily fix, sitting in my cubicle...ipod blocking out the people around me. (and the captcha on this today is asking for "firdhea" sounds like some kind of fried bird diarrhea)

Candice said...

what do i have to do to get into the lawrence arms' next music video?

Zac said...

neil is the SHIT.

tell us about the craziest thing that has ever happened in the studio. or anything noteworthy that happened while you were recording, really.

or tell everyone about that one sweet fucking show at the L&L at the end of 2005.

Stizzy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
wilddanimal said...

I have never heard the Broadways, but I am really sorry to report, after listening to the Slapstick discography many times, they were kinda mediocre, and I actually like ska. Especially compared to how awesome the Larry Arms are. Operation Ivy and Less Than Jake are both fine bands, but they didn't need to be reiterated.

I think you have discussed Neil and food before, how he always ordered a tuna melt for years, because he could not visualize what other foods look like. Maybe it's cos he's a drummer, they tend to be nutty like that. So tell us more about Chris, other than jerking off in his socks.

I too have totally jerked off at work. I used to work QA at a video game company (not as cool as it sounds), and since they always wanted me to work overtime, I would go jerk off in the bathroom after hours.

bishikon said...

being the investigator i am, i looked at candice's blog and saw the random bar photos thinking to myself the dudes look like boring douche bags, but i get that feeling with all random photos i look at, am i one of those douche bags?

oh and wilddanimal im trying to get into that qa game tester stuff, is it really that boring?

Fletch said...

When your to far from internet, and porno mags are knowhere to b seen. .whats the weirdest mental scenario youve invisioned during masturbation?

Stizzy said...

So I'm sitting here on the shitter at work reading the BSC when some asshole turns the light off as he leaves. Who the fuck turns the light off in a public restroom? Anyway you should consider selling one of chris's jizz drenched socks on ebay that shit would probably fund the next Lawrence arms album.

Matt Ramone said...

Tell us when Nuts Nuts We Want Nuts is going to make its debut on a Suburban Home seven inch.

lendmeyourbrain said...

i have also ganked off at work. oh and I work at baskin robbins.

Moose said...

The Broadways are/were one of the best punk bands of the 90's. I booked a couple horrible shows in upstate NY for you and Tuesday on that 98 summer tour. Remember being taken 'downtown' for pissing outside in Corning, NY? haha, classic.

daniel shea said...

I may or may not have a broadway's tattoo on my leg.

KevinAroundTheWorld said...

The captcha i have is "hotties"

just thought that was pretty cool.

Sean said...

If I was that dumb little kid and went to see the broadways play, based on my expectations of slapstick, I would instantly jizz all over Candice's tits.

Candice said...

bishikon- i have a pretty high tolerance for douchebaggery so you might be right. my friends may be douchebags.

however, i draw the line at blowouts, fake tans, and popped collars. that is NEVER acceptable.

levidolphin said...

A new song... Totally Rad! Just keep writing them... All the bands you have been in are really good. Same with Chris & Neil.

jizz can get so damn sticky and smelly. Jizz is gross, i wish it was more like water and less like ocean syrup.

Well, what do you think about the recent drop in prices of the fat shit?

I love the idea but i still dont see ANY records in Canton OH at all. And despite the economy it remains a well populated area. Maybe now that they are cheaper Best Buy will stock that shit...
There are NO "mom & pop" shops in the area. Plenty of Rascal Flat records, and douche bags that buy that shit, but no punk records except Coaster and a couple Bad Religion albums. Im moving back to Santa Cruiz.
PS Austin Lucas is way better then rascal flats

wilddanimal said...

Bishikon, it's not that it's boring, per se. You do basically play video games all day. But you're not testing them to see if they're fun or well-designed, which is what people tend to think if you tell them you are a QA tester at a video game company. You're trying to find and reproduce software bugs, which can be a pain in the ass. It generally pays dick and entails long hours and working with annoying geeks. But it's a great start if you seriously want to work in the game industry. I just got canned because I got sick and didn't show up for a few days (even though I called in like I was supposed to).

myassisapipebomb said...

how much did you drink when you ate shit this past fall at the Subterranean show? did you submerge yourself in a vat of jungle juice and drink your way out?

doghouse122 said...

how come you did a split with Shady View Terrace? They are literally the worst band ever.

FAskies said...

has neil ever shit on anything in public, preferably the chest of a female.

Stizzy said...

Candice I think a more applicable question would be, what wouldn't you do to get on the next lawrence arms music video?

Candice said...

i have a feeling that neil would prefer space docking.

Candice said...

stizzy- you have a good point. i'd pretty much do anything that wouldn't get me kicked out of medical school. i am too far in debt to get kicked out now.

Mike Destruction said...

haha neil sounds like my brother

Mike Destruction said...

you guys ever get into any good fights on the road?

Stizzy said...

and for the record whatever Candice wouldn't do to get on the video, I totally would. (winkwinknudgnudge)

Kyle said...

Could you please tell me where the Lawrence Arms is/was, I live somewhat close to uptown, Lawrence and Wolcott, and I drive by that area all the time to get on Lake Shore, but I have only lived in the city for a year, It'd be nice to finally know where it is/was.

The broadways were good....

Boring Name for a Boar said...

Speaking of Michigan, do you remember playing for a bunch of kids at an art center in South Haven?
I was there and had no idea who you guys were at the time. This had to have been...ten to eleven years ago so I know alot of alcohol has been consumed by then and many venues have been played but I didn't realize it until a friend mentioned it to me. Later days.

kylewagoner said...

I hope you've caught on that you really ARE a modern Jesus. Except you're real and all. I'm such a fucking slacker on the Matt/Dan message for you! I finally found the goddamn cable, so now I just have to be arsed to get it from 5 feet away from me and put the fucking pictures up. I'll just put it up tomorrow.

I love The Broadways and the Neil bit.

AndBurnTheRest said...

If it turns out that said mom is in fact going to bear the fruit of my loins, I will be sure to keep Brendan and Bad Sandwich in mind for my future offspring....Bad Sandwich is kind of an incredible (incredibly traumatizing?) name for a girl.

Stizzy said...

and to contribute to the places we've ah...shaved the carrot, when I was in sixth grade I cranked one out in the nurse's office at school. We didn't have a hot nurse or anything, I was just laying down on the cot in the room adjacent to her office and decided it was a good time to polish the pork steeple.

Bridgett said...

Bob Evans is awesome.

People have really got to come up with better things to comment. I suck at commenting, and that's because I'm out of Juggalo-shirt-puking stories. All I got is fat people sex and threesomes.

planespotting said...

Here's a question I've wondered a few times:

Did "Ed from the South Side" really give you cigarettes and hope at the Walgreens on Belden and Clark? That's on the north side.

I mean, obviously homeless folks in the fine city of Chicago can travel the CTA all they want (or maybe Ed even has a car?) but I dunno, the lyric has always seemed sort of ironic (only in terms of geographical irony, if there is such a thing) since Ed from the south side gave you a cigarette on the north side. Just funny I guess ...

This from a long-time Walgreen employee who always thought it was neat that you mentioned his drugstore in a song. Sweet.

Dave said...

This blog is a bright spot in my day.

It might be cool to do an entire interview or Q and A Session with one of the regular readers. You could post it on a day where you were short on time and stuff. You may get some funny questions related to the blog that you might not get in an ordinary boring band interview.

P.S. I would nominate myself as a possible candidate to conduct an interview with you.

admp said...

is it uncool to plug my band in the comments?
because if it is, i totally won't tell everyone to listen to my new demo at www.myspace.com/fossilarm and to keep checking back as i get more done in the studio.

just checking to see if you were cool with that.
-mike

drew said...

I once got in trouble in 6th grade cause me and a couple of my buddies decided to have a wack off competition underneath our desks during class to see if anyone could actually finish. If memory serves me right, things got to funny/awkward to actually finish, and we all simultaneously got called into the principles later that day for what is the middle school version of "public indecency," and aptly received the talk.

...our teacher must have literally witnessed a gaggle of boys shredding their pork in unison during her class...the more i think about it the more classic it becomes. Those were the days!

shot davis said...

I'd take Broadways over Slapstick any day. However, Lawrence Arms playing Broadways songs AND seeing The Falcon in Baltimore the same night is as about as good as it gets.

simmons said...

reading jizz stories on BSC is totally my porn.

pst... michigans not too shabby. and when some guy accidently jizz in me im naming my baby brendan or bad sandwich.

nancy said...

I am astonished at levidolphins accurate description of jizz, ocean syrup! That's perfect! I always forced myself to think it was warmed up V8 in order to swallow-back in the day when that was still a consideration. I wonder how much swallowing occurs in real life, like, not just porno life.

nancy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Candice said...

nancy- you have a stronger stomach than me. v8? if i had to drink that, i'd force myself to think it was warmed jizz.

ak said...

...wow cum fueled mayhem, all the while comparing the slapways arms...never dissapointing...guy in ohio....you're on the internet right?? buy the records from the fucking website, oh wait then you might put hot topic out of business, which would make me frown :( or way back when the dinosaurs were around you could put dollars in an evelope (thats right they even encouraged cash in enevlopes because they probably realized that not everyone that listened to punk rock had check books) and mail it to fat wreck...sometimes they even threw in a free poster. On a more serious note I do have a question. If I buy an album used off of amazon does the band still get roalties? If not I will gladly pay full price because this actually allows bands to continue to exist and play in your crappy town....oh and i'm listening to a great record (strange anxiety by zoinks!) I suddenly have the urge to cum all over myself....smooches

Luke said...

I'm pretty sure (at least in Australia) that the band doesn't get royalties as they already received them from the original purchase. I'm not totally sure though.