Yo! Hey! Dogs of war, what’s happening? It’s Wednesday and there seems to be a very real threat of DANGEROUS WEATHER in the Midwest. I’ve got my bunker in the basement stocked to the tits. I based what I put down there on the bunker that the man and the boy find in the Road that saves them from starvation the first time. I figure if it’s good enough to keep a man and his skinny, half dead ward alive in a post apocalyptic greyscape of death, roving hillbilly rapists, ash, legless living meals and catamites on leashes, well, hey, it’s good enough for THIS man and boy to live on while it hails this afternoon, right? I’ve already written off any chance of ever seeing anyone again who’s not lucky enough to be terrified of this dangerous weather pattern. I mean, these are the same assholes who foolishly didn’t panic over the swine flu, the Iraqi nuclear threat, heavy metal lyrics, gay marriage and you know…anything that generally pisses off that angry, vengeful, racist yet somehow still infallible god that we have. Good luck. See you in hell, as I look down from heaven, of course.
Man, this segues nicely into the film I watched this weekend. Religulous. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a documentary by Bill Maher that starts off as a sort of quasi humorous questioning of the mythology surrounding religion and becomes, by the end, a pretty serious call to arms to abandon religion on the grounds that it’s one of the stupidest, and most dangerous inventions of mankind. Now, make no mistake, I hate Bill Maher. I think he’s a smug dick. I hate his show, I hate his voice and his face and his standup and I once stood next to him at the Rainbow in LA and had a drink. He was hanging out with Larry David. They were both completely mummified in concealer and pancake makeup. Maher came up to my shoulder (I’m 5’ 10” or 178ish centimeters) and Larry David towered over me. No real point to the story. I didn’t shake his hand or anything…I’m sure they were just both sitting there sucking each other off and talking about the various things that they’re into that the rest of the world it too stupid to ‘get’. Anyway…enough of my railing against Hollywood-by-way-of-Long Island-pseudo-jew-liberal-millionaire-dipshits. I’m way off topic. The point is, the movie was good. I thought that within the context of the film, where Maher was talking to people vastly more smug than him (because these people in this movie, who just know they’re doing right by god, are, to an almost holy degree smug…judgmental, smug, and pitying) his smugness and wit become MY (the angry viewer’s) weapon against these ritualist dildos. Yup. It’s a good movie. Here are my two very broad points regarding Religulous:
1. People (the ones who don’t become overly smug) tend to become very, very afraid when religion gets questioned. Why? It doesn’t make sense. God, the vengeful one, really shouldn’t care if you’re standing around while some blasphemer flaps his gums. After all, it’s HIS soul on the line…Not yours. You’re not agreeing, just standing there, maybe even (and in the case of this movie, usually) arguing against the blasphemy. That’s a good move, in the eyes of god, at least, ain’t it? Besides, the demonstrative god of the old testament seems to have packed away his lightning bolts and locusts. He’s not doing that shit these days, so why the fear? Why does the trucker practically RUN out of the church when Maher starts asking the ‘tough’ [read: obvious] questions? You know why? Because deep down, beneath your kirk Cameron like certainty, you know…you KNOW that the bible or the Koran (yipes) or the Talmud or the (heh) book of mor(m)on or whatever is fucking duuuuuuuuuumb. You believe that shit in there? Really? No you don’t. You don’t. You pretend to for social reasons, because you’re afraid of the unknown and because your dad/pappy/grandma/niece whoever always did and the idea of them being wrong and somewhere more confusing, scary or just straight up unknowable breaks your heart and leaves you with a ton of questions. But you know it. YOU KNOW IT. That’s why you’re afraid. Sure, fall back on faith if you must, but know, realize, understand, faith is not IN ANY WAY, FOR ANY REASON, a virtue. Faith is unquestioning acquiescence to established dogma regardless of consequence. It’s trite to compare everything to Nazism, though in this case it’s rather tempting, but I’m not going there today. Instead, I’ll say it’s like the manson girls, or the idiots who all drank the Jonestown kool aid or the fucking city block of corpses who took pills and put on new shoes to get on the spaceship to go see god. The only difference between a cult and religion is bankroll and time. Watch out Christians, jews, muslims, because in 2000 years, if you haven’t already blown everything up in a fucking dumb hell that you created yourselves by being such fucking mindless retards, well, the Scientologists will probably be major players and they’re coming for you. You think Israel is a hot button issue? Wait until the Hubbardcost when they establish Dianeticstan. Then you’re gonna see some fucking Molotov cocktails and rocks, boy. Just wait.
2. Up next is this guy, Propa-Ghandi. He’s a muslim rapper, and wait…is this dude even real? Is he? Because firstly, there’s a band that ALREADY has that name, and secondly, I can’t find shit about him except when I google him along side the word ‘religulous’. Well, he’s a defender of the general doctrine of killing infidels that comes part and parcel with fundamentalist islam these days…but seriously? That’s your name? Propaghandi is a pretty popular band. They’re, in fact, probably MY favorite band. THIS GUY is the one misappropriating their name? In the name of what, now? Now, I’m not even so concerned about his politics. Whatever, politics that are also religious are stupid 100% of the time. We’ve already talked about that too much. I’m more bummed that he’s doing that ‘rap with an English acccent’ thing. It’s just strange. It’s like a chick with a dick or someone with no eyebrows. Just don’t seem right, you know? I mean, ask almost anyone that loves opera and they’ll tell you that an opera has to be in Italian. Yeah, sure, Wagner is big, Porgy and Bess all that…I get it. But you know what I’m saying…Opera is, really, when done like it’s supposed to be, Itaian. Rock and Roll is sort of like that with English…Sure it’s a xenophobic thing to say…But there’s a reason that Rock and Roll that’s in English is vastly the most popular rock and roll in the world. It sounds right. Eh, I guess the fact that English is far and away the most spoken language in the world doesn’t hurt, but come on, you get my point. I’m not trying to take away from non-english rock. Lord knows I see the appeal, especially if you don’t speak English…and hey, man, I love me some Crudos. Whatever, here’s the thing. There’s plenty of room in the world of music for non English rock, and even non English rap, There’s great rap out there that’s not in English. Rap in fact needs the English language LESS than rock n roll does. BUT…let’s be honest, shall we? Rap in the English accent just sounds goofy. It does. Face facts. Lady Sov? That’s who you’re throwing out there to defend britrap? MIA? Yeah, she’s cool, but in actually sounding good, she doesn’t sound like hip hop, she sounds like indy dance music. The Streets? Look, the streets are more like William Shatner’s spoken word than Run DMC. Heh. I’m done here. Throw your crumpets.
I think today, without meaning to, I'm afraid I’ve alienated plenty of people. Enough for a while… Well, fuck it. that’s what good discourse about thought provoking film will do though, you know? So, in conclusion, this Matt guy from the comments section (the Sock Drawer) says he’s going to bang Riley Mason with his old lady’s blessing. Is that true? Because that’s pretty cool, for sure. I hope she yawns and smokes during the whole thing and tells you to hurry up and finish and get your fat/skinny/old/young/sloppy/metrosexual (whatever Matt actually is) ass out the door. That’s a good porn/hooker experience, right? Maybe she’ll mock your dick size. I mean, that’s what I’d want.