Wednesday, May 13, 2009

This is the point from which I can never return, cuz if I back down now then forever I'll burn

Yo! Hey! Dogs of war, what’s happening? It’s Wednesday and there seems to be a very real threat of DANGEROUS WEATHER in the Midwest. I’ve got my bunker in the basement stocked to the tits. I based what I put down there on the bunker that the man and the boy find in the Road that saves them from starvation the first time. I figure if it’s good enough to keep a man and his skinny, half dead ward alive in a post apocalyptic greyscape of death, roving hillbilly rapists, ash, legless living meals and catamites on leashes, well, hey, it’s good enough for THIS man and boy to live on while it hails this afternoon, right? I’ve already written off any chance of ever seeing anyone again who’s not lucky enough to be terrified of this dangerous weather pattern. I mean, these are the same assholes who foolishly didn’t panic over the swine flu, the Iraqi nuclear threat, heavy metal lyrics, gay marriage and you know…anything that generally pisses off that angry, vengeful, racist yet somehow still infallible god that we have. Good luck. See you in hell, as I look down from heaven, of course.
Man, this segues nicely into the film I watched this weekend. Religulous. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a documentary by Bill Maher that starts off as a sort of quasi humorous questioning of the mythology surrounding religion and becomes, by the end, a pretty serious call to arms to abandon religion on the grounds that it’s one of the stupidest, and most dangerous inventions of mankind. Now, make no mistake, I hate Bill Maher. I think he’s a smug dick. I hate his show, I hate his voice and his face and his standup and I once stood next to him at the Rainbow in LA and had a drink. He was hanging out with Larry David. They were both completely mummified in concealer and pancake makeup. Maher came up to my shoulder (I’m 5’ 10” or 178ish centimeters) and Larry David towered over me. No real point to the story. I didn’t shake his hand or anything…I’m sure they were just both sitting there sucking each other off and talking about the various things that they’re into that the rest of the world it too stupid to ‘get’. Anyway…enough of my railing against Hollywood-by-way-of-Long Island-pseudo-jew-liberal-millionaire-dipshits. I’m way off topic. The point is, the movie was good. I thought that within the context of the film, where Maher was talking to people vastly more smug than him (because these people in this movie, who just know they’re doing right by god, are, to an almost holy degree smug…judgmental, smug, and pitying) his smugness and wit become MY (the angry viewer’s) weapon against these ritualist dildos. Yup. It’s a good movie. Here are my two very broad points regarding Religulous:
1. People (the ones who don’t become overly smug) tend to become very, very afraid when religion gets questioned. Why? It doesn’t make sense. God, the vengeful one, really shouldn’t care if you’re standing around while some blasphemer flaps his gums. After all, it’s HIS soul on the line…Not yours. You’re not agreeing, just standing there, maybe even (and in the case of this movie, usually) arguing against the blasphemy. That’s a good move, in the eyes of god, at least, ain’t it? Besides, the demonstrative god of the old testament seems to have packed away his lightning bolts and locusts. He’s not doing that shit these days, so why the fear? Why does the trucker practically RUN out of the church when Maher starts asking the ‘tough’ [read: obvious] questions? You know why? Because deep down, beneath your kirk Cameron like certainty, you know…you KNOW that the bible or the Koran (yipes) or the Talmud or the (heh) book of mor(m)on or whatever is fucking duuuuuuuuuumb. You believe that shit in there? Really? No you don’t. You don’t. You pretend to for social reasons, because you’re afraid of the unknown and because your dad/pappy/grandma/niece whoever always did and the idea of them being wrong and somewhere more confusing, scary or just straight up unknowable breaks your heart and leaves you with a ton of questions. But you know it. YOU KNOW IT. That’s why you’re afraid. Sure, fall back on faith if you must, but know, realize, understand, faith is not IN ANY WAY, FOR ANY REASON, a virtue. Faith is unquestioning acquiescence to established dogma regardless of consequence. It’s trite to compare everything to Nazism, though in this case it’s rather tempting, but I’m not going there today. Instead, I’ll say it’s like the manson girls, or the idiots who all drank the Jonestown kool aid or the fucking city block of corpses who took pills and put on new shoes to get on the spaceship to go see god. The only difference between a cult and religion is bankroll and time. Watch out Christians, jews, muslims, because in 2000 years, if you haven’t already blown everything up in a fucking dumb hell that you created yourselves by being such fucking mindless retards, well, the Scientologists will probably be major players and they’re coming for you. You think Israel is a hot button issue? Wait until the Hubbardcost when they establish Dianeticstan. Then you’re gonna see some fucking Molotov cocktails and rocks, boy. Just wait.
2. Up next is this guy, Propa-Ghandi. He’s a muslim rapper, and wait…is this dude even real? Is he? Because firstly, there’s a band that ALREADY has that name, and secondly, I can’t find shit about him except when I google him along side the word ‘religulous’. Well, he’s a defender of the general doctrine of killing infidels that comes part and parcel with fundamentalist islam these days…but seriously? That’s your name? Propaghandi is a pretty popular band. They’re, in fact, probably MY favorite band. THIS GUY is the one misappropriating their name? In the name of what, now? Now, I’m not even so concerned about his politics. Whatever, politics that are also religious are stupid 100% of the time. We’ve already talked about that too much. I’m more bummed that he’s doing that ‘rap with an English acccent’ thing. It’s just strange. It’s like a chick with a dick or someone with no eyebrows. Just don’t seem right, you know? I mean, ask almost anyone that loves opera and they’ll tell you that an opera has to be in Italian. Yeah, sure, Wagner is big, Porgy and Bess all that…I get it. But you know what I’m saying…Opera is, really, when done like it’s supposed to be, Itaian. Rock and Roll is sort of like that with English…Sure it’s a xenophobic thing to say…But there’s a reason that Rock and Roll that’s in English is vastly the most popular rock and roll in the world. It sounds right. Eh, I guess the fact that English is far and away the most spoken language in the world doesn’t hurt, but come on, you get my point. I’m not trying to take away from non-english rock. Lord knows I see the appeal, especially if you don’t speak English…and hey, man, I love me some Crudos. Whatever, here’s the thing. There’s plenty of room in the world of music for non English rock, and even non English rap, There’s great rap out there that’s not in English. Rap in fact needs the English language LESS than rock n roll does. BUT…let’s be honest, shall we? Rap in the English accent just sounds goofy. It does. Face facts. Lady Sov? That’s who you’re throwing out there to defend britrap? MIA? Yeah, she’s cool, but in actually sounding good, she doesn’t sound like hip hop, she sounds like indy dance music. The Streets? Look, the streets are more like William Shatner’s spoken word than Run DMC. Heh. I’m done here. Throw your crumpets.

I think today, without meaning to, I'm afraid I’ve alienated plenty of people. Enough for a while… Well, fuck it. that’s what good discourse about thought provoking film will do though, you know? So, in conclusion, this Matt guy from the comments section (the Sock Drawer) says he’s going to bang Riley Mason with his old lady’s blessing. Is that true? Because that’s pretty cool, for sure. I hope she yawns and smokes during the whole thing and tells you to hurry up and finish and get your fat/skinny/old/young/sloppy/metrosexual (whatever Matt actually is) ass out the door. That’s a good porn/hooker experience, right? Maybe she’ll mock your dick size. I mean, that’s what I’d want.
Toodles!

40 comments:

Candice said...

i've met a lot of smart people in my 20+ years of schooling but i think you make the most sense.

steveisjewish said...

I work with a guy who said recently that the reason there are no more dinos is that they did not fit on the ark. I just had to walk away - no way to have that conversation and keep my job. wow. but whatever - let these morons live their lie - they will be ones dissapointed when they die and thats it.

justinius23 said...

riley mason is retired form the industry apparently.

not that i would know anything about the porn industry.

Matt Ramone said...

It is 100% true. Before I die I want to blow $250 on an hour with a cokehead.

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

I'm fine with all that religion bashing. The part I didn't like was was the very mild Larry David bashing. I get hating Bill Maher (even though I don't hate him), but isn't Larry David just a guy that writes sitcoms?

Jacob Nelson said...

So I just read that Alkaline Trio are starting their own label to make their next, punkier record. Did you have anything to do with this?

Capt Murdock said...

I just thought it was weird that the group of three ate the infant. I mean why not fatten it up a bit while still utilizing the milk being produced by the mother.

Oh well, I guess thats why I would never survive in a post-apocalyptic scenario.

rpophessagr said...

Mandarin and Hindi both have more speakers than Eng

Nico said...

Don't wanna be a dick today - I love your blog. But your american accent was a little strong today.

Cobra Chai said...

I've just read Hitchens' book, god is not great: how religion poisons everything. I've been an atheist for a while so it hasn't exactly changed my life, but it's pretty fantastic.

i'd also like to take the opportunity to implore people to check out South Park season 7 episode 12 for an accurate history of the mormon cult.

Dustin said...

Yeah, Bill Maher's documentary hit some very important points. However, he approached some things in a quite amateur manner. Off memory of the 1 time I watched it...

First, he asks that guy profiting off sales of really expensive christian images/commodities (not a poor choice of a business venture): "if heaven is so great why don't you just kill yourself to get there faster" (paraphrased from memory). Any one who knows even the littlest bit about christianity knows they believe suicide will prevent them from the ability to enter the 'gates of heaven'. It was a weak argument on Bill's side.

Second, whether Maher wants to admit it or not
his ability to be equally objective when it comes to Judaism is pretty clear when he introduces the Israel/Palestine discussion. I hear plenty of criticism of Islam and its role in the violence taking place over there, but I don't recall equal criticism of the Israeli government's Jewish doctrine influenced actions towards the Palestinians. Perhaps my memory of the documentary fails me, but I thought the omission of that fact damaged the creditability of the documentary.

I do agree that agnostic and atheist leaders/candidates need to stop bullshitting everyone and allowing the silly notion that a good political leader needs to believe in/follow some religious doctrine to possess clear judgement to persist.

Just a little addition to the discourse....

wilddanimal said...

Here's a question for everyone: What do you do to fuck with religious proselytizers. I'm not exactly an atheist, I like to think there is a God of some type, I just cannot take organized religion seriously. S/He has a whole universe to run, where do we get off thinkin' we're important enough to merit His or Her attention?

So a few things I like to do:
1) Show them the card in my wallet that says I'm an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church, and ask them to call me "Pastor Dan".

2) Tell them I'm already down with Satan, and his parties are way more fun than any church event I've ever heard of.

3) Tell them their lives are pathetic shams based on bogus and outdated concepts of morality, and ask if they wanna smoke some weed.

Or, you know, just tell them to piss off.

ty. said...

The Road is an incredible book, and I really hope the movie doesn't fuck it up too much.

wilddanimal said...

Oh, PS, according to Wikipedia, Spanish is also more spoken than English. I do believe English is the third most spoken language in the world, though, after Chinese and Spanish.

myassisapipebomb said...

godfuckingdamnit brendan you're such an ignorant dick who obviously hates everyone who isn't just like you. fucking cockass.

Cobra Chai said...

Dear Dustin,

Do you really not understand why atheist candidates must pretend to believe in god? There are millions of voting morons who would sooner have more Bush than elect a smart, capable dude who doesn't believe people rode dinosaurs.

you and i wish it didn't have to be that way, however, we're just not at the point where people will elect an atheist.

KevinAroundTheWorld said...

I believe with english, even though it's not the most widely and spoken fluent/2nd language, it's probably the most widely understood language in the sense a large amount of people have a basic understanding of english.

Your basic sentiment is right. Religion is ridiculous but death is a fucking scary thing to think about so if religion makes you sleep better at night fine by me, but realize the ridiculousness of it when dealing with normal life.

Stizzy said...

I do believe that Faith and Rationality can coexist. The problem is the close mindedness of a lot of people (religious and non-religious alike) if people could sit down with a beer or twelve and just talk about shit instead of one side or the other or both getting butt hurt anytime their tightly sealed box gets rattled then we might actually discover progress. This isn't going to happen though so fuck it time to drink a pint and rub one out.

Candice said...

getting my tightly sealed box rattled is one of my favorite past-times.

Dustin said...

CC,

Yeah, I know. However, the shift away from the idiocy in voter behavior (basing decision solely on religious views of abortion or gay marriage) has to start somewhere.

I'm not saying the candidate who admits his lack of religiosity will win. In fact, I'm quite aware that (at least for higher offices) such a confession would be political suicide. But, somebody needs to at least introduce the pink elephant in the corner of the room.

The least it can do is provoke discussion among voters about what the role of religion in politics should and shouldn't be, right?

thanks for the comment.

Stizzy said...

Candice-and getting my butt hurt is mine

Cobra Chai said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cobra Chai said...

Dustin,

Amen.

kylewagoner said...

Chris Hannah would be thoroughly amused. I finally left that dumbass picture last night, too. My toes are in it, little to my initial knowledge.

Matt said...

Some peoples view on religion absolutely amazes me. We have come so far in the history of man, but so many people still hold strong to these ideas from thousands of years ago. The big invisible man in the sky isn't going to treat you any different if you come hang at one of his houses on Sunday afternoon. BUT!, if god created man in his image, then he is a booze swilling, punk rock loving, tattoo having, fun son of a bitch, and they should have kegs and eggs at church, and free bloody mary's on Sunday.

Mark said...

Out of curiosity, Brendan, do you have any spiritual beliefs? Obviously (and understandably) you're not down with the whole organized religion thing, but do you believe in any higher power or anything, even if it's in more of a deistic perspective?

drew said...

To WildAnimal's prior quote: I have a tattoo of a pentagram in my mouth, that whenever people start preaching their bible-banging nonsense on me, I just flip over the lip, and conversation over. It has been pretty effective in the two instances where've i've actually used it outside of a joking context.

Anyways, amen to this tirade brendan... people get so fucking PC and emotive when talking about religion, that to even engage in some kind of a pseudo-serious, critical discourse is blasphemed.

My only contention with your blog today is your statement on the people of the Jonestown incident. While yes, Jim Jones was (near the end of his life) a deranged, bullshit fascist, he was also a man that many accredited "revolutionary" thinkers at that time fully supported and condoned (i.e. Maya Angelou and Harvey Milk). I am by no means excusing his perversion of socialism that wound up basically massacring 1,000 individuals, but to call the many people that followed him stupid is fairly vapid. There was definitely something more to that specific incident than a bunch of "dumb" people just following a man into a jungle, they were in essence boycotting what was (and still is) a highly racist and capitalist American society... unfortunately toward the end, when many people did want to leave the camp sight, they were coerced and heavily policed against their will into staying and ironically forced to commit "revolutionary suicide" under duress. Sorry for the rant, I just think the typical rhetoric around this issue is highly overlooked and simplified.

drew said...

...Also, toche on the Immortal Technique reference. Although I don't agree with a lot of his homophobic rhymes, the man can spit (possible pun).

Bill Shakespeare said...

You have a problem with Larry David? He fucking rules.

Robb said...

Thanks Brandi. Alongside the ability to aim, it's one of the main perks of membership to the male genre.

eric said...

my cock speaks with a french accent.

doghouse122 said...

Shady View Terrace is sooo bad. They are everything wrong with music. Why would you do a split with them?

Daniel said...

Now you should watch "Jesus Camp."

Stizzy said...

hey doghouse, are Shady View Terrace bad? maybe you should ask BK about why TLA did a split with them. I bet that'd be a good question to ask. You should probably ask it on more than one occasion too, you know, just in case he doesn't answer your question immediately.

Mikey said...

I liked this post and I liked the movie.

Question. How do you feel about the success or acknowledgment of Slapstick and The Broadways now that they're over? I'm only asking, because when a band like The Lawrence Arms becomes more popular, people will often say, "Hey, check out their old band," and shit like that.

To be honest, when I first was into ska, I loved Slapstick (and still do) and was a fan of Slapstick before TLA (I never knew TLA existed until I was passed my ska-phase). However, I did become a fan of The Broadways after I started listening to TLA more often. It's just one of those things, ya know?

Robb said...

According to some, the infamous shady view split was actually an Andy Kaufman-inspired move in which larry arms sought to craft a framework at which hypercritical dildoes could fling petty retroactive criticism and nagging questions nearly a decade later.

The joke was later brought full circle when the infamous "cocktails in dreamland" comp eliminated the need to even acknowledge the split's existence, and rendered subsequent criticisms of such all the more superfluous.

3 wisdom teeth said...

when people ask me about religion or god.... i just tell em to "chill god, i'm just tryin to walk these dogs and represent the WU." if they have no idea what the fuck im talking about, i just explain that all they need is the new wu album, no summer school or nuthin.

Question: why is it that all the people you see at the DMV or on an airplane seem to be of a type u don't encounter anyplace else? do u think they r aliens?


i like this blog more than anything else on line except porn...so thanks!

Justin Stitches said...

Haven't seen this flick yet, but you definitely need to check out "Jesus Camp" (props to Daniel).

That movie scared the shit out of me.

Only modest penis/vagina/jizz humor the comments today... I'm somewhat disappointed in this here Sock Drawer. There's always room for it when talking about religion.

Cheers.

ak said...

I once jokingly told a chaplain that "god is an imaginary friend for adults" he didn't think it was as funny as I did....

PIXI said...

My only problem with religion is that everyone thinks they are right and everyone else is wrong. If you really look at different religions, you would realize they are all basically the same. The devil is in the details. There is a saying (I forgot by who, a buddhist monk, I think) that goes all religions start at the bottom of a mountain. They are all trying to get to the top (closer to God), but they're taking different paths to get there. My World Religions teacher also used to say "different strokes for different folks"