i was stabbed by satan on the day that i was born

Jesus christ. The weekend is over and I’m back. Did you miss me? good. Great, in fact. I need that kind of reinforcement these days. Okay, it’s Monday and it’s beautiful and I want to get outside, so I’m gonna hurry. This is so late in being posted because I’m in the midst of writing the strangest song I’ve written in a while. I hesitate to say it sounds African, because, well, that sounds like it’d be terrible…but I’ve been listening to a lot of K’naan lately, and I really think that besides having a cool whole thing going on, that when he’s not being too cheesy (which definitely happens) he writes great melodies and great rhymes. This latest song I’m working on is in no small part inspired by said melodies and rhymes. Sounds terrible, I know, but keep in mind, I have a very formulaic and limited approach to songwriting, so everything I do pretty much ends up sounding like all the rest of my songs anyway…Jesus, never mind. But, if you’re into African/hip hop/reggae type shit, definitely check out K’naan. The records are all good, but I think Troubadour is the best, (though the best individual song is on Dusty Foot Philosopher). Anyway, I back him fully. I mean, I even like the song with Kirk Hammet playing guest lead guitar, and that sounds like a recipe for a shit sandwich party sub. Whatever. On to the advice.

Q
Brendan,__I'm twenty-three years old, and I've been a misfit loser pretty much my entire life.__I've recently gotten involved with a girl who I met through a friend, and we've hung out together at shows and with other friends in the local music and art scene. She's a really cool girl, and she's really into me. We've really hit it off after our first real date. We went exploring in this old military base and it went from shooting bb guns at wine bottles to rolling around on the floor making out and listening to Your Gravest Words.__My biggest concern is that she is much more experienced than I am. I've never had a girlfriend, and I've barely so much as made-out with a girl before, so I am obviously a virgin (I was able to hide behind my being straight edge for, but I drink too much whiskey now for that to be believable anymore). In a sense, anyone would be more experienced than I am. While I am ecstatic about being with her and the way things are working out so far, I am completely clueless about everything whatsoever.__I never had a big brother, and I guess what I'm looking for is some general big brotherly advice for relationships, and the ever important issue of sex._

A
Okay, firstly, don’t panic. Aside from a few very, very unlucky people, everyone is a virgin at some point and need to deal with overcoming this mess of emotions and excitement and expectations and all that. EVERYONE can sympathize with your predicament; me, Jenna Haze, your best friend, your teachers, the cops in your town, the butcher, and even this girl. Yeah, it’s funny to rib people about stuff like this because it’s an easy mark. Comedy in its essence is the build up and release of tension (heh…not unlike boning, right? Oh, yeah. You wouldn’t know…See, that’s funny) and since sex is a sensitive subject, it easily creates tension and lends itself to lots of easy and potentially mean spirited jokes (see above for an example), but that’s nothing to be deterred or distracted by. If everyone who was ever an inexperienced virgin completely clammed up when they thought that the potential for their inexperience to be exposed was possible, well, there’d have been a VERY short period when there were sentient humans on the earth, right? Okay, I know this isn’t exactly your question, but I’m trying to make a point. You have, rightly, a big emotional stake in hooking up with this girl-you like her, it’s the first time you’ve been able to get this close to someone emotionally/physically for whatever reason and you’re understandably apprehensive, but it’s nothing everyone who’s ever gotten to that point hasn’t gone through, INCLUDING HER. If you sit her down, casually and say “Hey, listen. I’m inexperienced. In fact, I’m a virgin. I like you, but I don’t really know what I’m doing and I just wanted to let you know that’s why I’m nervous/shy/unsure of where to stick what etc” and she does ANYTHING besides smile, tell you that’s great and that she’s flattered and not to worry about it, and it’s really not a big deal, no one’s born experienced, well, she’s probably not the girl you want to enter into this stage of a relationship with. Doesn’t sound like that’s gonna be the case though, right? She’s cool already, so it’s simple. Tell her what’s up. She’s gonna be sweet and nurturing, or equally inexperienced…don’t rule that possibility out either, and either way, learning about that stuff is one of the most exciting and fun things that you’ll ever do in your life. So relax and enjoy it.
I noticed that down in the old Sock Drawer, some people offered you essentially this same advice. That makes me feel good. You guys aren’t all bad, you know that?
Anyhow, there’s time for you to learn about fingerbanging and how to feel tits or fist assholes or eat pussies in the future. Right now, the best person that can explain what feels good to a girl is the girl you’re with. She’s the person to ask for “big brotherly” advice, because she’s the only one that can tell you what works for her. Women are like old video game cartridges. Each one requires a different style of touch and blowing on to really get working, so there’s no playbook. What makes one girl scream with pleasure will make another punch you in the face, (although, I would say, in general, you want to lightly rub the clam. Don’t jam your fingers in there. That’s just not the way to fingerbang…it’s a rubbing, or wiping move, not an inserting and thrusting move….that’s for your dong to do later). Jesus, is any of this helpful?
I’m going outside. Here’s to ya!

Oh, and to answer the parenting question in the sock drawer (the natural next question after the 'how do i bone' question), I swaddled my baby for the first three months. I found it to be really helpful until he got big enough to start wanting to flip around. You can try it again. It's not like once you stop, that's your chance and it's done. As much as they struggle, they say that's usually somewhat uncontrollable muscle movement, because they haven't yet learned how to move or control their limbs, so in that first three months, they really like being bound, because it makes them feel more in control. At least that's what I read somewhere, and it seemed to be true for my kid. We also stopped swaddling his legs after a while because those eventually got strong enough to kick through the whole little cocoon, but we still did his arms. Wow, fascinating, huh? Congratulations on the baby. We should get breakfast at 715 sometime. Sheesh.