Monday, May 18, 2009

i was stabbed by satan on the day that i was born

Jesus christ. The weekend is over and I’m back. Did you miss me? good. Great, in fact. I need that kind of reinforcement these days. Okay, it’s Monday and it’s beautiful and I want to get outside, so I’m gonna hurry. This is so late in being posted because I’m in the midst of writing the strangest song I’ve written in a while. I hesitate to say it sounds African, because, well, that sounds like it’d be terrible…but I’ve been listening to a lot of K’naan lately, and I really think that besides having a cool whole thing going on, that when he’s not being too cheesy (which definitely happens) he writes great melodies and great rhymes. This latest song I’m working on is in no small part inspired by said melodies and rhymes. Sounds terrible, I know, but keep in mind, I have a very formulaic and limited approach to songwriting, so everything I do pretty much ends up sounding like all the rest of my songs anyway…Jesus, never mind. But, if you’re into African/hip hop/reggae type shit, definitely check out K’naan. The records are all good, but I think Troubadour is the best, (though the best individual song is on Dusty Foot Philosopher). Anyway, I back him fully. I mean, I even like the song with Kirk Hammet playing guest lead guitar, and that sounds like a recipe for a shit sandwich party sub. Whatever. On to the advice.

Q
Brendan,__I'm twenty-three years old, and I've been a misfit loser pretty much my entire life.__I've recently gotten involved with a girl who I met through a friend, and we've hung out together at shows and with other friends in the local music and art scene. She's a really cool girl, and she's really into me. We've really hit it off after our first real date. We went exploring in this old military base and it went from shooting bb guns at wine bottles to rolling around on the floor making out and listening to Your Gravest Words.__My biggest concern is that she is much more experienced than I am. I've never had a girlfriend, and I've barely so much as made-out with a girl before, so I am obviously a virgin (I was able to hide behind my being straight edge for, but I drink too much whiskey now for that to be believable anymore). In a sense, anyone would be more experienced than I am. While I am ecstatic about being with her and the way things are working out so far, I am completely clueless about everything whatsoever.__I never had a big brother, and I guess what I'm looking for is some general big brotherly advice for relationships, and the ever important issue of sex._

A
Okay, firstly, don’t panic. Aside from a few very, very unlucky people, everyone is a virgin at some point and need to deal with overcoming this mess of emotions and excitement and expectations and all that. EVERYONE can sympathize with your predicament; me, Jenna Haze, your best friend, your teachers, the cops in your town, the butcher, and even this girl. Yeah, it’s funny to rib people about stuff like this because it’s an easy mark. Comedy in its essence is the build up and release of tension (heh…not unlike boning, right? Oh, yeah. You wouldn’t know…See, that’s funny) and since sex is a sensitive subject, it easily creates tension and lends itself to lots of easy and potentially mean spirited jokes (see above for an example), but that’s nothing to be deterred or distracted by. If everyone who was ever an inexperienced virgin completely clammed up when they thought that the potential for their inexperience to be exposed was possible, well, there’d have been a VERY short period when there were sentient humans on the earth, right? Okay, I know this isn’t exactly your question, but I’m trying to make a point. You have, rightly, a big emotional stake in hooking up with this girl-you like her, it’s the first time you’ve been able to get this close to someone emotionally/physically for whatever reason and you’re understandably apprehensive, but it’s nothing everyone who’s ever gotten to that point hasn’t gone through, INCLUDING HER. If you sit her down, casually and say “Hey, listen. I’m inexperienced. In fact, I’m a virgin. I like you, but I don’t really know what I’m doing and I just wanted to let you know that’s why I’m nervous/shy/unsure of where to stick what etc” and she does ANYTHING besides smile, tell you that’s great and that she’s flattered and not to worry about it, and it’s really not a big deal, no one’s born experienced, well, she’s probably not the girl you want to enter into this stage of a relationship with. Doesn’t sound like that’s gonna be the case though, right? She’s cool already, so it’s simple. Tell her what’s up. She’s gonna be sweet and nurturing, or equally inexperienced…don’t rule that possibility out either, and either way, learning about that stuff is one of the most exciting and fun things that you’ll ever do in your life. So relax and enjoy it.
I noticed that down in the old Sock Drawer, some people offered you essentially this same advice. That makes me feel good. You guys aren’t all bad, you know that?
Anyhow, there’s time for you to learn about fingerbanging and how to feel tits or fist assholes or eat pussies in the future. Right now, the best person that can explain what feels good to a girl is the girl you’re with. She’s the person to ask for “big brotherly” advice, because she’s the only one that can tell you what works for her. Women are like old video game cartridges. Each one requires a different style of touch and blowing on to really get working, so there’s no playbook. What makes one girl scream with pleasure will make another punch you in the face, (although, I would say, in general, you want to lightly rub the clam. Don’t jam your fingers in there. That’s just not the way to fingerbang…it’s a rubbing, or wiping move, not an inserting and thrusting move….that’s for your dong to do later). Jesus, is any of this helpful?
I’m going outside. Here’s to ya!

Oh, and to answer the parenting question in the sock drawer (the natural next question after the 'how do i bone' question), I swaddled my baby for the first three months. I found it to be really helpful until he got big enough to start wanting to flip around. You can try it again. It's not like once you stop, that's your chance and it's done. As much as they struggle, they say that's usually somewhat uncontrollable muscle movement, because they haven't yet learned how to move or control their limbs, so in that first three months, they really like being bound, because it makes them feel more in control. At least that's what I read somewhere, and it seemed to be true for my kid. We also stopped swaddling his legs after a while because those eventually got strong enough to kick through the whole little cocoon, but we still did his arms. Wow, fascinating, huh? Congratulations on the baby. We should get breakfast at 715 sometime. Sheesh.

21 comments:

admp said...

wow, i learned about fingerbanging technique and parenting advice today...

How about this question BK:
My buddy keeps telling me I look and sing like Tom Gabel and won't leave me the hell alone about it. I'm playing a show next month and I want to cover Walking is Still Honest but I'm worried about opening myself to a world of insults from both my friend and bitter AM! fans.
Should I just cover The Bay City rollers or something instead and forget about it, or do I go the ballsy route and risk my (haha) punk street cred?

turnitout said...

I would like a detailed step by step guide to boneing.

Thanks in advance.

Uncle Buck said...

admp,

perhaps it's not a good idea to cover a band that isn't that well known and still actually performs the song themselves, anyone who doesn't know that song (which is most people) will think you wrote it and you'll have to feel like an ass explaining to them that their favorite song of yours isn't yours.

Manny Los Gatos said...

Can I please be the dissenting opinion on this Virgin guy with the experienced girl? Don't fucking tell her you are inexperienced. You'll come off looking like a pussy. That totally flies in the face of the "confidence" that men are supposed to show to impress women which is often espoused here. If you need to figure out what goes where, watch a porn. I mean that will at least show you what's up. I'm sure you've already seen a porn, and you have at least an inkling of how to please a girl. If she is experienced she'll show you where to go, or just try to figure it out yourself. Don't be a pussy about it, be a man!!!!!!!

If you like whiskey, drink some, get some guts going the old fashioned way. Then you hook up and let the rest figure itself out.

When it comes to making out put on side 2 of Led Zeppelin 4, and wrap that rascal!!!!!!!

admp said...

i'd be doing said cover at a show at an anarchist collective. people not knowing it's AM! isn't the issue...people KNOWING that it's AM! is the issue...i think.

maybe my bitchassness is the issue?
i should just the fucking cover...

bert said...

Don't listen to that "she'll think you're a pussy" shit. if you like that chick one iota and she's an individual worthy of your time, emotions, and bodily fluids she'll understand.
as far as the covering against me question: yeah, do bachman turner overdrive or something. its always kinda lame when a band covers a band that is still around.

ak said...

...side 2 of led zepplin 4......seriously, that's your counter to honesty....fuck, even drunk honesty is suitable, you can blame it on the whiskey...I bet you can throw a pigskin over that mountain....if only coach would have put you in......could have been state champs

Tim said...

It should be duly noted that there is a distinction between being confident and being a macho prick.

PIXI said...

Telling her that you are a virgin shows that you have confidence. Just don't apologize for it. We've all been there.

Sean said...

hahaha the "old video game cartridge" analogy is classic!

Please include that line in a future song?

Thanksssss

Zac said...

brendan, i need BASS advice. please, it's a simple one.

i've played guitar for a long time. now i'm playing bass in a 50s cover band with my friends from high school (even though we're all done with college at this point). i'm getting a jaguar bass, what kind of amp should i get for small gigs? leaning between an ampeg b2:

(http://phoenix.craigslist.org/wvl/msg/1137150309.html)

and an ampeg b-100r:

http://www.music123.com/Ampeg-B-100R-Bass-Combo-Amp-481773-i1145712.Music123?source=ZWFRWXX&mr:trackingCode=E1C99ACF-3131-DE11-B4E3-0019B9C043EB&mr:referralID=NA

which one? we're playing 50s and 60s covers, but there's a punk vibe going on, kind of like the monks or the hives. oh ya, and we're called 'the friendly guys.'

mike-sinkovich said...

BK, I really like this girl and I've been offered the chance to have sex with her. Now, that's great, but, the only catch is, well... A wizard put a curse on me and proclaimed the only way I will be able to nail her to the cross is if she's the one with the penis and I have a vagina. As a man that's probably been in similar situations, what do suggest I do?

Scott Juniper. said...

everyone should leave the comedy to brendan...

Bridgett said...

I have a question. My boyfriend is pretty cool, but sometimes he's lame. Right now, he's being lame. (And probably reading this and cursing me, and picking up the phone.) See, I want to go to Reggie's on Saturday, see The Falcon, and then go home. He thinks we're going to get robbed/be shot at/have our cars stolen/get killed/run into a gang member in that area of town, which I will mention none of us have ever been to. So, 1) How do I make him change his mind, (I don't think a BJ will do it) and 2) How do I make him less of a wuss? Is there like a key to de-wuss-ifying a dude? All I know how to do to is to wuss-ify with a swift kick to the 'nads. Thank you.

Louis Stevens said...

Thanks BK!

And thanks to the sock drawer.

And most of all, thanks to Manny.

Tony said...

I would think, Manny, that telling a girl you are a virgin would be the exact opposite of flying in the face of confidence. It takes balls to do that. She's going to figure out he's inexperienced regardless of how many hours he spends on redtube.

Justin Stitches said...

From one complete late-bloomer to another, I'd totally go with the "be yourself" approach and tell her how you feel and what's going on... when the time is right. I am not sure if I read it right, but it seems like you just started kicking it with this girl. Don't go vomiting your emotions and spilling your guts about how much you like her but are scared of your inexperience right off the bat... that shit will scare her off just as fast as if you whipped out yer dong in a fancy restaurant with her (unless she's into shit like that)...

You'll know when the time is right to share your emotions and shit about this situation. Using a little liquid encouragement is fine, but don't overdo it. You don't wanna come off as some drunken mongoloid who just sits around thinking about boning this gal.

BK is right. The result of you letting her know what's up is that she should be flattered and be all about the cuteness/awkwardness of the situation. If she acts any other way then you need to jet... cuz she is shallow and selfish and will not be the supportive gal you need. To stay (or even worse, beg to stay) will just lead you into dark territory and you will end up more hurt in the end.

I have also had situations where when I was a virgin, they didn't believe me. Good luck if she goes that route. Turns out assholes have been using the "I'm still a virgin" line to falsely get chicks into bed for years.

Above all, just be yourself and stay positive. Gals are a sucker for honesty and confidence.

Lastly, hold yourself to a value. DO NOT let this situation grind you down. Keep in mind that even if she doesn't sleep with you (for whatever reason), you are still light years beyond where you were before her. You have new confidence, self-respect and experience that you can apply to other situations. Even if it ends up a wash-out, you have still gained valuable life experience.

Cheers kid... and good luck on jumping the fire.

Shane McPain said...

haha, oh man. yeh, get the led out for sure. i'm sure that turns ALL the girls into slavering pornstars. it'd be a little more subtle if you blasted out girls girls girls and installed a pole in your garage...

good luck to you anyway mate. i suggest you follow bks finger banging instructions to the letter. dont dont DONT get curious and see if you can fit...lets just say, most of your hand in a certain place. thats what i did the first time i was in that situation and it did not go down well (pun there?)


also, brendan, im sure you might be sick of answering questions like this one but, i just gotta ask. anychance of some uk shows in the not too distant future? its been fucking ages since you played in london with nufan. i was actually one of the toilet cubicle joint guys. ha, that was funny shit.



ah, yeh. just slip on "boom swagger boom" by the murder city devils. if any song can get you laid its that one...

Stizzy said...

Has anyone really ever gotten laid because of a song? I mean chilling with a girl while listening to music and having some sexy background music is one thing, but getting laid solely based on a song, really? And would you even want to sleep with a girl who spreads eagle at the opening riff to Ace of Spades?

Shane McPain said...

"And would you even want to sleep with a girl who spreads eagle at the opening riff to Ace of Spades?"


hahaha. pure gold.

Capt Murdock said...

Thanks for the swaddling answer sir.

My kid really fought with it and we would find him looking like a piece of modern art every morning with his arms and legs tangled every which way.

We eventually gave in and he seems to be happier but he wakes up at 2 am now until he gets his binky back. He never did theat when swaddled.

Sorry to lame up The Sock Drawer.