Tuesday, May 5, 2009

the guide to casual drinking 2009 summer edition

Good morning assholes and uh…what’s the feminine of asshole? Vagina holes? Sure. Fine, whatever. Good morning ass and vagina holes! Welcome to another wonderful edition of BSC. Today the topic is drinking. Just a tiny little guide that I thought I’d throw together as summer (the drinking season) approaches:

Beer is what you drink when you’re out with your parents/inlaws or when you really want to make sure you don’t end up doing something dumb. For example, you’re out with your ex boyfriend and you ALWAYS end up accidentally fucking him, just drink beer this time. It’ll keep your panties on. Unless you secretly WANT to get so drunk that your inhibitions go to shit…which is a super common move in these kinds of situations. Well, look, if you’re into self sabotage, then the guide isn’t for you.

Vodka- Vodka is the opposite of beer, in that it tends to make you manic, which is a clinical term that means ‘loud and irritating.’ If you are looking to be the life of the party (read: bang the fat chick and tell inappropriate jokes to people) then this is the spirit for you…Mix it with redbull if you’re concerned that you’re not being obnoxious enough, or you’re still feeling a little shy about whipping out your tits/dick.

Whiskey- Whiskey usually makes me quiet. Whiskey is good for drinking when you want to just kind of sit somewhere for a long time. I tend to think it slows the brain down, which is great if you’re unwinding, but not so much if you’re (for example) trying to prove to your girlfriend’s dad that you’re not a retard. Apparently whiskey gives you a great dick, because, though I have no idea what it means, I hear about ‘whiskey dick’ all the time. My guess? Whiskey can make you flushed, so it probably gives the shaft a rosy hue.

Gin- This shit is for old men and people who want desperately to be ‘off the grid’ when it comes to drinking. You don’t drink gin. No you don’t. Quit it. Gin is like a mustache or a scarf or carrying a riding crop around. You just make everyone roll their eyes when you walk in the room. Who are you? The red baron? Just relax.

Tequila- Summer means tequila. Margaritas, shots, tequiza, eating your cheerios with Sauza. Tequila is great, for sure. However, somewhere along the way, tequila went from being something that a dude in a sombrero dumps into your mouth from a plastic bottle against your will to the domain of connoisseurs. Now, there are all these people talking tequila like it’s wine, and everywhere you go there’s a tequila flight and some wealthy black guy in an amazing suit talking about some small batch of some shit no one’s ever heard of and then he says “oh, if you ever get to Cozumel, you need to try it.’ And I’m like, “Yo! Ever hear of the swine flu?”
Some people can’t drink it because it makes them violent/angry. That’s a pretty good reason not to fuck around with something, I’d say. Good self control. Talk to the vodka chicks, please.

Wine-Wine is a great one, because for every self important, cork sniffing asshole sending something back because it’s from the shady corner of the vineyard (“who gives a fuck if it’s an '86 if it’s from the back of the vineyard, you moron!”), there’s a bum chugging a three dollar bottle and shitting in someone’s vestibule. Wine is big with girls who don’t want beer and mistakenly think that wine won’t get them as hammered as a cocktail. Chicks that drink white wine at bars fall into two distinct categories. 1. The single glass just so her boyfriend can chug 3 jack and cokes or so her and her girlfriends can catch up. And 2. The “I’m switching to vodka after the fifth glass and by the end of the night, someone’s gonna be fucking me up against the wall of the mens room stall.” Nothing cooler than an old ass man drinking a glass of chardonnay by himself on a nice day while sitting in the park and contemplating the lawn.

Rum- You’re going for it, but you don’t really know much about drinking. That’s the rum drinker. Captain and diet is the badge of the weekender. Either that or you’re brutally hung over. Nothing cures a hangover like a rum and coke, man. I’m not even hung over and just writing this almost makes me wish I was just so I could properly enjoy one. Rum is also great to drink on tropical vacations. Word to the wise, anyone who does shots of rum is a sociopath. Be careful.
Okay, I think I’m gonna go to the cubs game today so I’m gonna wipe the dust off my dick and get it together….Happy drinking.

17 comments:

Katie said...

Whiskey dick is basically useless to a woman. ladies, before you leave the bar to go home with that guy do a quick mental recap of what he drank and if whiskey's involved, well, don't get your hopes up.

wilddanimal said...

Ugh, man. I stupidly drank too much last night (cider, screwdrivers, wild turkey and cokes), and I still have to go to work.

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

Whiskey dick is god's way of saving you money on abortions later. Thank him.

kylewagoner said...

I can never relate to your alochol-based blogs...but I'm sure I would appreciate them if I drank. Matt and Dan left you a few messages on the back of my Lawrence Arms shirt. I'll put a picture up and give you the link tomorrow. Dan drew a dick for you. He says he never draws dicks for ANYONE.

bombadepanico said...

There is NOT ONE case of swine flu in cozumel dude. Fuckin news are rising the whole flu situation as if Mexico was in a post apocalyptic movie, which is only gonna fuck us over worst than recession already did. Thank you very much for being another victim of the media and continue the ignorant fear cycle rolling.

TheHammer said...

Bren,

This guide needs to be reworked or just Canadian-ized a little.

Whiskey (or rye) - is dangerous to consume for an entire evening as it causes blackouts, violence, and usually ends up with a great story for the friends of the whiskey drunk. My friends and I always refer to it as Special Olympics in a bottle. Whiskey dick is not a good thing for the ladies as others have mentioned.

Gin - panty remover. Gin and Tonics are prime summer time drinks. Refreshes and drunkens in one fell swoop.

Robb said...

You needn't be an old ass man to sit savoring a glass of chardonnay alone on a nice day in the park contemplating the lawn. A gay introvert, for instance.

Denise said...

What about the jager??

Matt said...

Since this blog was all about drinking, yet failed to mention the "girl-drink drunk," here's a bit of extra info for those unfamiliar with this category.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_H_sVNgvf4

Sean said...

hahaha he already mentioned jager in a previous post...

something about being a bro drink or something haha

Matt said...

Whiskey Dick is for winners! Though my years of enjoying whiskey, I have run into my own special case of whiskey dick, which involves not being able to "finish", unlike most cases, where guys can't "get it up". I must say it isn't the worst thing in the world, but usually leaves me going to bed a little pent up, but usually not caring, due to the previously mentioned whiskey consumption.

DrewJohnson said...

assholes are universal!

tom said...

So you should get on that label with Alkaline Trio, call it Slapstick records.

tony said...

false, i've been a consumate gin drinker for 3 years now, when mixed properly with orange juice it will leave no trace of a hangover in the moring

preesh

Tony said...

bombadepanico - you are absolutely adorable!

Seagull Steve said...

I consume vast quantities of whiskeys of all qualities......and it does not give me whiskey dick. Fernet does though.....god that was embarrassing. Whiskey dick is for amateurs.

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