the guide to casual drinking 2009 summer edition

Good morning assholes and uh…what’s the feminine of asshole? Vagina holes? Sure. Fine, whatever. Good morning ass and vagina holes! Welcome to another wonderful edition of BSC. Today the topic is drinking. Just a tiny little guide that I thought I’d throw together as summer (the drinking season) approaches:

Beer is what you drink when you’re out with your parents/inlaws or when you really want to make sure you don’t end up doing something dumb. For example, you’re out with your ex boyfriend and you ALWAYS end up accidentally fucking him, just drink beer this time. It’ll keep your panties on. Unless you secretly WANT to get so drunk that your inhibitions go to shit…which is a super common move in these kinds of situations. Well, look, if you’re into self sabotage, then the guide isn’t for you.

Vodka- Vodka is the opposite of beer, in that it tends to make you manic, which is a clinical term that means ‘loud and irritating.’ If you are looking to be the life of the party (read: bang the fat chick and tell inappropriate jokes to people) then this is the spirit for you…Mix it with redbull if you’re concerned that you’re not being obnoxious enough, or you’re still feeling a little shy about whipping out your tits/dick.

Whiskey- Whiskey usually makes me quiet. Whiskey is good for drinking when you want to just kind of sit somewhere for a long time. I tend to think it slows the brain down, which is great if you’re unwinding, but not so much if you’re (for example) trying to prove to your girlfriend’s dad that you’re not a retard. Apparently whiskey gives you a great dick, because, though I have no idea what it means, I hear about ‘whiskey dick’ all the time. My guess? Whiskey can make you flushed, so it probably gives the shaft a rosy hue.

Gin- This shit is for old men and people who want desperately to be ‘off the grid’ when it comes to drinking. You don’t drink gin. No you don’t. Quit it. Gin is like a mustache or a scarf or carrying a riding crop around. You just make everyone roll their eyes when you walk in the room. Who are you? The red baron? Just relax.

Tequila- Summer means tequila. Margaritas, shots, tequiza, eating your cheerios with Sauza. Tequila is great, for sure. However, somewhere along the way, tequila went from being something that a dude in a sombrero dumps into your mouth from a plastic bottle against your will to the domain of connoisseurs. Now, there are all these people talking tequila like it’s wine, and everywhere you go there’s a tequila flight and some wealthy black guy in an amazing suit talking about some small batch of some shit no one’s ever heard of and then he says “oh, if you ever get to Cozumel, you need to try it.’ And I’m like, “Yo! Ever hear of the swine flu?”
Some people can’t drink it because it makes them violent/angry. That’s a pretty good reason not to fuck around with something, I’d say. Good self control. Talk to the vodka chicks, please.

Wine-Wine is a great one, because for every self important, cork sniffing asshole sending something back because it’s from the shady corner of the vineyard (“who gives a fuck if it’s an '86 if it’s from the back of the vineyard, you moron!”), there’s a bum chugging a three dollar bottle and shitting in someone’s vestibule. Wine is big with girls who don’t want beer and mistakenly think that wine won’t get them as hammered as a cocktail. Chicks that drink white wine at bars fall into two distinct categories. 1. The single glass just so her boyfriend can chug 3 jack and cokes or so her and her girlfriends can catch up. And 2. The “I’m switching to vodka after the fifth glass and by the end of the night, someone’s gonna be fucking me up against the wall of the mens room stall.” Nothing cooler than an old ass man drinking a glass of chardonnay by himself on a nice day while sitting in the park and contemplating the lawn.

Rum- You’re going for it, but you don’t really know much about drinking. That’s the rum drinker. Captain and diet is the badge of the weekender. Either that or you’re brutally hung over. Nothing cures a hangover like a rum and coke, man. I’m not even hung over and just writing this almost makes me wish I was just so I could properly enjoy one. Rum is also great to drink on tropical vacations. Word to the wise, anyone who does shots of rum is a sociopath. Be careful.
Okay, I think I’m gonna go to the cubs game today so I’m gonna wipe the dust off my dick and get it together….Happy drinking.