Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Hold On, Dodge!

Okay, so first things first. Yesterday some Mexican dude took issue with me talking about swine flu and Mexico and all that. I understand that this is a sensitive issue these days. My buddy Lupe told me that several people have given him dirty looks talked shit to him and tried to get away from him just because he’s Mexican. Never mind that he lives in Chicago, and he’s from Guadalajara, many miles from any swine flu…Whatever, you get the idea. People are idiots, which is EXACTLY what I was saying yesterday when I referenced the swine flu. It was a joke. I realize humor doesn’t always translate across language barriers, but suffice it to say, I’m no more scared of the swine flu than the regular flu. In fact, if you didn’t get a flu shot this year, you shouldn’t be any more scared of the swine flu either. The regular flu infected and killed way more people than the swine version, so relax, or go curl up in a bunker or whatever. It’s just a different flu with no vaccine (read:flu shot). That’s the difference, dummies (oh, and spare me the lesson on how pig genetic material is mixing with avian and blah blah blah…that’s not practically applicable to alleviating or causing fear, you smarty pants dildo. You either know exactly what that means [you’re a biologist] or you have NO IDEA what that really means and you’re swinging your dick around. Which is it? Thought so.)
People aren’t still talking about the swine flu, are they? It’s like the William Hung of diseases. Huge here for about ten seconds then shipped off to Asia. Heh.
Enough. I don’t want to talk about the dumb swine/avian flu anymore. In six months when it mutates and returns and is actually a dangerous disease, then we can talk, but for now, let’s drop it. Everyone, Kay? Good.
Okay, that’s that. On to bigger and better things. I don’t know what’s going on in the world of celebrities anymore. It’s kind of sad. My kid took up all the energy I used to have for reading Perez or Us Weekly or watching access Hollywood. Thank god, right? I mean, those are horrible pastimes. Beating off is more rewarding and mentally challenging. There’s nothing inherently cool about knowing about Rhianna and Chris Brown or Demi Lovato or whatever the fuck we’re calling these puppets and retards this week, but there is something SO uncool about being completely clueless. That’s like when your parents said things like “what is this music? It just sounds like people talking. Anyone could do this,” and you’re all “dad, that’s Ice Cube. You couldn’t do that” and then he’s like “oh yeah?” and he starts trying to rap and it’s the most horrendously embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you, even though it’s just the two of you in the car. Why? Because in that moment, when your drunk dad is suddenly dick deep in a sea of popculture that he has no idea how to navigate, you see your future self, lost in a world of dumb bullshit you can’t possibly make yourself want to care about, and it’s frightening.
Well, I’m there, I think. I mean, I know that britney’s pussy was hanging out one night and then the next night her tampon string was swinging around…(at this point, shouldn’t she have someone that’s just in charge of keeping her pussy…you know? Not out there? It’s like a wily dog that keeps hopping the fence, that vagina of hers) and I know about the chris brown thing, as we discussed already, and I’ve heard Flo Rida and I’ve got a pretty good idea that Star Trek and Wolverine are the movies that everyone’s gonna be talking about all summer, but I don’t know what the fuck is really going on…I’m a parent. I get Old MacDonald stuck in my head when I’m working, for fucks sake. Coolness…dissipating…urge to own sweatpants and sandals…overwhelming.

Fuck me, man. I’m gonna go. I’m gonna contest this parking ticket by mail and try and figure out if I’m too sore to go to the gym today. I think the answer is yes, but you never know. I feel like I should leave you all with something good though, before I go.
Okay, in my quest to define everyone in the world, I’d like to present you with my next installment- Shameless corporate shills-
You think immediately of say, Jared from Subway, though let’s be honest, Jared was a lard ass that somehow slimmed down by eating footlong subs (which suggests to me that he was, bare minimum, eating whole pigs for every meal before he started his “fast food hoagie” diet) and in doing so greatly improved his life. He’s just giving back. That’s not shameless shilling. I think more of the chicks who wear Jagermiester shirts and carry around test tubes and let drunk scumbags ogle their tits all in the name of brand promotion. Of course, as celebrity comes into play, people tend to be more critical of shameless corporate shills, but really, it’s no different than any other job. If brad pitt gets a million bucks to be on a box of hot pockets that’s a MILLION BUCKS for one day of work. You do stupid shit that you hate at your dumb job every day in the name of promoting or furthering some agenda that’s most likely not purely yours, and you’re not getting a million bucks either. Fuck. You WISH your job was as fun as posing on a box of hot pockets…
Point being, the new Menzingers seven inch, on Red Scare Industries is now available for download on itunes. For those of you who don’t know, the Menzingers are a Clash-y, Against Me! ish band of rabble rousers who aren’t afraid to play straight ahead punk rock when it’s necessary. Three singers, great live show. Awesome dudes. Amazing seven inch. It’s called Hold On, Dodge and listen, I know what you’re thinking. At first I thought they sounded like the ramones, just based on the name, but you know what? They don’t. It’s, like I said, a great, great new band that will have you all crying and bitching in 2 years when they start getting big, so get on the trolley now so you don’t look like Johnny come lately dickheads when they turn all gaslight anthem on your ass and start playing in front of a banner.
Uh, later.


Some Young Guy said...

lol u saiz amazing seven inch.!

but for real the menzingers are great. and their name sounds either german or like a portmanteau (wrong word? fuck off!) of "men" and "zingers". either way i like.

T.NERB said...

Bad Billy Hung analogy. William Hung just got shipped off to Cal State Northridge. I see him pretty much everyday. One time I even ate lunch with him in the cafeteria and when I asked him how the pasta was (because NOBODY eats that shit and he was the first person I'd ever actually seen eating it) he told me "its ok but its not as good as olive garden. olive garden is my favorite". Couldn't make that up if I tried.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of new albums: we all know you love country and uncircumsized penises, so what do you think of the new Yesterday's Ring album?

kylewagoner said...

We played this show in Martinsburg, WV one time and I shit you not, this guy there had an approxmiate 5-inch-wide Chevrolet emblem tattooed across his neck so that it was half under his collar and half there for the entire world to behold. Could he not think of anything worse to permanently put across his neck?

Candice said...

I too could use someone to look after my vagina.

PIXI said...

My friend recently told me about some chick that had a tramp stamp of the Coca Cola symbol. Now that is some advertising.

ak said...

I know this is very late, (in reference to chocolate mousse), I do apologize I've been very busy and have only since caught up on my bsc. I'm in Afghanistan with some paratroopers (2nd time). In defiance and utter disgust of computer science guy...I have no ambitions in music anymore except getting back to Autin and ripping off (a combination of) screeching weasel, the copyrights, and green day while getting drunk expecting nothing more than my next beer and a sloppy fuck. I'm personally not trying to create anything as original as fugazi; I just want to have some fun. Oh and by the way I had to get my parents to mail me the broadways cd I bought off of amazon because the seller wouldn't ship to APO AE (fuckers). By the way (punk elite) if dead to me does get big, they fucking deserve it, and the book hot water music is just as good as the band....keep writing it's entertaining.

Sickie27 said...

Today, for the first time, I let a guy shoot his load on my chest.

And immediately after I came home and read BSC.

I think this is supposed to mean something. Maybe.

Seagull Steve said...

For the record, I am a biologist, and on my long list of worries Swine Flu ranks pretty fucking low. Maybe the next "potential pandemic" virus will be given some intense acronym (who wouldnt be afraid of The "R.A.P.E." virus?) in order to keep the masses interested.

p.s. Afghanistan dude is right, Hot Water Music is a great book.

Robb said...

Hot Water Music is okay but I generally prefer ol' crusty pervert's novels to his short story collections.

Swine Flu is just so goddamn lame. Lame in name, origin, level of devastation...fuck it. Not to be insensitive to those who've wound up on the receiving end.

everyoneiskindofhappy said...

Hey Brendan, since my opinion of music relies solely on what you tell me to like, what do you think of these Roll The Tanks guys?

Some Young Guy said...

ok beeks, help me and my buddy solve this debate we're having.

let's say you're hanging out with a female and making it pretty clear you're attracted to her. you know, however you wanna do this. let's say the subject of sex comes up frequently. people you've been with, what you're into, etc. i take this to mean conclusively that this woman does NOT want to have sex with you and considers you buddy material, not bonin' material. am i jumping the gun? my friend thinks it means for sure that she puts "bonin'" and "you" in the same category somehow. OR does it mean she's crazy, knows you're attracted to her, and just likes fucking with you?

Anonymous said...

Fascinating Fact: William Hung used to play the Pokemon Trading Card Game Competively.

(for proof)

I know this because I played too.

Nico said...

Thank you thank you thank you for introducing me to The Menzingers.

Alex said...

Brian from Gaslight told me you stole your guys' tour tattoo and put it on all your merch when I wore a suicide king shirt to their Columbus show.

I thought I'd share since you reference them in like every post. What a jerk you are, sir.

just kidding. Take care brotherman.

Mark B said...

thanks for pointing us towards the menzingers... I have seriously been listening to them straight for the past 3 days.