Okay, so first things first. Yesterday some Mexican dude took issue with me talking about swine flu and Mexico and all that. I understand that this is a sensitive issue these days. My buddy Lupe told me that several people have given him dirty looks talked shit to him and tried to get away from him just because he’s Mexican. Never mind that he lives in Chicago, and he’s from Guadalajara, many miles from any swine flu…Whatever, you get the idea. People are idiots, which is EXACTLY what I was saying yesterday when I referenced the swine flu. It was a joke. I realize humor doesn’t always translate across language barriers, but suffice it to say, I’m no more scared of the swine flu than the regular flu. In fact, if you didn’t get a flu shot this year, you shouldn’t be any more scared of the swine flu either. The regular flu infected and killed way more people than the swine version, so relax, or go curl up in a bunker or whatever. It’s just a different flu with no vaccine (read:flu shot). That’s the difference, dummies (oh, and spare me the lesson on how pig genetic material is mixing with avian and blah blah blah…that’s not practically applicable to alleviating or causing fear, you smarty pants dildo. You either know exactly what that means [you’re a biologist] or you have NO IDEA what that really means and you’re swinging your dick around. Which is it? Thought so.)
People aren’t still talking about the swine flu, are they? It’s like the William Hung of diseases. Huge here for about ten seconds then shipped off to Asia. Heh.
Enough. I don’t want to talk about the dumb swine/avian flu anymore. In six months when it mutates and returns and is actually a dangerous disease, then we can talk, but for now, let’s drop it. Everyone, Kay? Good.
Okay, that’s that. On to bigger and better things. I don’t know what’s going on in the world of celebrities anymore. It’s kind of sad. My kid took up all the energy I used to have for reading Perez or Us Weekly or watching access Hollywood. Thank god, right? I mean, those are horrible pastimes. Beating off is more rewarding and mentally challenging. There’s nothing inherently cool about knowing about Rhianna and Chris Brown or Demi Lovato or whatever the fuck we’re calling these puppets and retards this week, but there is something SO uncool about being completely clueless. That’s like when your parents said things like “what is this music? It just sounds like people talking. Anyone could do this,” and you’re all “dad, that’s Ice Cube. You couldn’t do that” and then he’s like “oh yeah?” and he starts trying to rap and it’s the most horrendously embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you, even though it’s just the two of you in the car. Why? Because in that moment, when your drunk dad is suddenly dick deep in a sea of popculture that he has no idea how to navigate, you see your future self, lost in a world of dumb bullshit you can’t possibly make yourself want to care about, and it’s frightening.
Well, I’m there, I think. I mean, I know that britney’s pussy was hanging out one night and then the next night her tampon string was swinging around…(at this point, shouldn’t she have someone that’s just in charge of keeping her pussy…you know? Not out there? It’s like a wily dog that keeps hopping the fence, that vagina of hers) and I know about the chris brown thing, as we discussed already, and I’ve heard Flo Rida and I’ve got a pretty good idea that Star Trek and Wolverine are the movies that everyone’s gonna be talking about all summer, but I don’t know what the fuck is really going on…I’m a parent. I get Old MacDonald stuck in my head when I’m working, for fucks sake. Coolness…dissipating…urge to own sweatpants and sandals…overwhelming.
Fuck me, man. I’m gonna go. I’m gonna contest this parking ticket by mail and try and figure out if I’m too sore to go to the gym today. I think the answer is yes, but you never know. I feel like I should leave you all with something good though, before I go.
Okay, in my quest to define everyone in the world, I’d like to present you with my next installment- Shameless corporate shills-
You think immediately of say, Jared from Subway, though let’s be honest, Jared was a lard ass that somehow slimmed down by eating footlong subs (which suggests to me that he was, bare minimum, eating whole pigs for every meal before he started his “fast food hoagie” diet) and in doing so greatly improved his life. He’s just giving back. That’s not shameless shilling. I think more of the chicks who wear Jagermiester shirts and carry around test tubes and let drunk scumbags ogle their tits all in the name of brand promotion. Of course, as celebrity comes into play, people tend to be more critical of shameless corporate shills, but really, it’s no different than any other job. If brad pitt gets a million bucks to be on a box of hot pockets that’s a MILLION BUCKS for one day of work. You do stupid shit that you hate at your dumb job every day in the name of promoting or furthering some agenda that’s most likely not purely yours, and you’re not getting a million bucks either. Fuck. You WISH your job was as fun as posing on a box of hot pockets…
Point being, the new Menzingers seven inch, on Red Scare Industries is now available for download on itunes. For those of you who don’t know, the Menzingers are a Clash-y, Against Me! ish band of rabble rousers who aren’t afraid to play straight ahead punk rock when it’s necessary. Three singers, great live show. Awesome dudes. Amazing seven inch. It’s called Hold On, Dodge and listen, I know what you’re thinking. At first I thought they sounded like the ramones, just based on the name, but you know what? They don’t. It’s, like I said, a great, great new band that will have you all crying and bitching in 2 years when they start getting big, so get on the trolley now so you don’t look like Johnny come lately dickheads when they turn all gaslight anthem on your ass and start playing in front of a banner.