Wednesday, May 20, 2009

bad daddy chronicles...

Good Christ! It’s been a rough morning. The baby got into a bowl of almonds, and I had to fish them out of his mouth. He bit my finger pretty hard, and he’s got a lot of fucking teeth, man! That shit hurts. He already had a little bit of peanut butter a few weeks ago, so I don’t think he’s got a nut allergy, but still, that shit’s scary. For those of you who don’t know, nut allergies are an epidemic in the US, and kids who respond particularly poorly to tree nuts (which almonds are) can go into anaphylactic shock, which, you know, can kill you pretty dead. So, I’ve got my eye on him. BUT apparently not closely enough, because then, I was playing guitar for him (which he likes…and is a good way for me judge if my songs are working on a basic level or not. He’s a kid, after all) when he made a dive between my feet, where I THINK he bit one of our chihuahuas. I KNOW the dog snapped back at him. There was a tiny spot of blood eventually. I cleaned it up good with soap and hydrogen peroxide…but man, fuck. Rough day already. I had to reprimand a dog, clean up a screaming baby, got bit in the finger, worried myself sick about nut allergies, got the house ready for the cleaning lady, looked at all these pictures from the latest Juggalo gathering, all while being exhausted because of these fucking falcon practices.
My kid’s best friend at his daycare and my kid bite each other. It’s kind of what happens at this age. No big deal, and hopefully they’ll learn that biting hurts you know, by getting bitten. The other kid got bit bad in the face by his dog. I don’t know what they did about it. My kid is bigger than my dog, by a lot, and the dog was cornered as shit. I know what they say about dogs and kids and biting and all that, but this seems like a bit of a different circumstance. I mean, I’m pretty sure that the kid bit the dog first. That’s a fairly reasonable response, right? I don’t know. It’s such a bummer. I’m going to the museum today with the kid to give him the most awesome, educational fun day of his small life to make up for the rough morning. Good lord.
Okay, on to your questions for me

Q
So, my girl who I've been with for about three and half years broke up with me last week. We got along great until about 3 months ago when she got pregnant and had an abortion (plan B pill, we both decided it was best choice for us). She said she felt like she woke up pregnant and married (we're not, but might as well have been)and it scared the shit outta her. So she started staying at her parents house (we still hung out quite a bit though) and she's been re-evaluating her life and feeling lost and like the spark in life is gone. We moved in together last June and until the pregnancy things have been great. We did definitely get in a rut of being lazy and watching too much tv and stuff (stupid weed). But we've always got along great (and the sex was fantastic!). We haven't had one real fight EVER. Even now she was so damn honest with me (and didn't cheat) that it's hard to be mad at her for turning my life upside down. I love her more than anything and I've never hurt this bad in my whole life. I sit around at home, work or go to the super market and I find myself trying to not break down balling. My insides feel scooped out. I just never thought this could hurt so bad. She said she hopes she realizes this is the biggest mistake ever, but she can't make any promises and she just needs to do this right now. _What should my gameplan here be?_I have to try to get her back, but I definitely want to give her time to think and figure shit out. She's staying at her parents house and I'm moving into a place with a roommate next month. So that should help her not feel married. What should I do? How long should I wait until I try get us hanging out again? And what's the best way to go about doing this without being annoying and/or pathetic.__Any advice would be great. (I'll take the sock drawer's advice too, if ya have some for me).__p.s. we also a 10 month old puppy that we got last year. She already had a dog, so I can't seperate them._If we don't get back together, would it be wrong of me to ask for visitation rights? I really love that fucking dog.

A
Okay, you’ve got a pretty good handle on this so far, it seems. Moving out, giving her some space…those are the right moves. You’re bummed, massively. That’s to be expected. This is a difficult situation, and I think it’s slightly different than you’re seeing. You guys have never had a fight, you kind of sit around a lot, she woke up after a traumatic experience with an unexpected pregnancy and rationally decided that she felt trapped and told you simply and honestly that she was moving out. It sounds to me like there’s a lack of passion in this relationship that she’s been cognizant of for a while and that she’s now ending it because of. People fight. People who CARE about each other fight. People in stressful situations fight. I mean, not all the time, sure, but if you guys dated for 3.5 years, never fought, terminated a pregnancy and still never fought, I’d wager that the complacence meter was reading off the charts. This might be news to you (it usually is to dudes) but there’s your problem. That’s what’s going on here. That’s her ‘trap’ that she feels like she’s in. Anyway, that’s not your question.
You can get her back. Sure you can. I have two guesses why I don’t think you will though: 1. You’re too much of an emotional basket case to properly do things the way they need to be done right now in order to get her back and 2. By the time you ARE ready to do these things, your feelings of hopelessness and despair will have hardened into a little bit of resentment, and the rekindling of the relationship will no longer be as appealing as it seems now.
This was my experience when I went through this, and has been the experience of everyone I’ve ever seen go through this, but hey, I’m not here to discourage, and like I said, you CAN get her back. For sure you can. Here’s how:
She saw you and thought you seemed interesting at one point, right? Then she talked to you, got to know you and realized you were cool. At some point, she let you bang her, and at some point, she decided she loved you. All that shit is still in there, she’s just bored shitless by your relationship. SO, all you have to do is become the person you were when you guys met. I don’t mean that you need to revert back to listening to Simple Plan and telling dick jokes and acting like you did four years ago. I mean, back then, you probably hung out with your friends, checked out girls, went around to places that weren’t the entrenched haunts of your relationship and kind of let shit roar a bit, right? Right. Now, it’s been three years and you’re thinking shit like, “maybe I’ll run into her down at Joe’s Diner, that’s a romantic little coincidence, ain’t it? That’s OUR spot” and that’s just not gonna do. Not at all. You, the old you that got her interest the first time, you didn’t hang out at Joes, okay. And if you did? Well, you certainly weren’t trolling there looking for her, so STOP with everything that has to do with your dead relationship. That includes the dog, that includes everything. The relationship is DEAD. You MUST think of it this way. You don’t want to revive THIS relationship, because it’s DOOMED. You need to start a NEW relationship with this girl. Are you understanding me? No pathetic phone calls or emotional talks about the past with her. No lurking. This involves you getting back to being the dynamic guy who hangs out with his friends and does fun shit for yourself, NOT for the two of you. You must be the new, older, wiser version of the you you once were. IF you can do this, and like I said, I know it’s rough, but IF you can, she will, mark my words, be interested in you. I don’t care if she’s got another boyfriend, I don’t care what the deal is. This WILL work if properly done. But, TALKING ABOUT THE DEAD RELATIONSHIP IS NOT ALLOWED WITH HER!!!!!!!!! If she insists on bringing something up, shrug it off and change the subject. You need to be a little emotionally distant. Not rude, but not ‘soulmate close’ either. You’re not there to talk about her ex boyfriend (you), you’re there to steer this girl towards her new relationship (with you).
There you go. Good luck dude. And just to reiterate, no dog visitation. You cannot simultaneously not look pathetic and ask for dog visitation. Bummer? Oh yeah, but which one of them do you want in your bed more? That’s the choice there, man.
Good luck!

Oh, and in response to another hot button topic in the sock drawer- Firstly, it’s really none of your business why I have a cleaning lady, and I don’t need to justify my life or decisions to anyone, but, in the spirit of transparency, the reason I have a cleaning lady is because I’m a thirty two year old man with a kid, two dogs and not enough time to clean my house and a desire for a clean house and enough money to pay for some help every two weeks. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you turds? It’s not like she’s my stepdaughter or something. She’s ALREADY a cleaning lady. I’m giving her work. Is that a satisfactory answer dickheads? If not, please, by all means, advise me. I mean shit, even raskolnikov had a cleaning lady, and he was completely broke. Jesus fucking Christ.
See you all later.

40 comments:

Jon said...

Your Blackhawks are 0-2. They better step it up.

Tony Monley said...

I like the advice . . .though I think in practice it will be difficult to implement. I mean, how are you not going to talk about the past/your past problems/memories, etc? When you get together with a bunch of old friends, what are the odds you don't revisit the past on a pretty consistent basis? The best part of the advice is doing things for himself, independent of the relationship. Trying to 'reshape' or 'repackage' the relationship as something new isn't going to cut it, it has to be real change, and the only way that change is going to happen is by changing the ingredients from the inside out.

Jayzilla said...

or just move across the country and start a new life...

thats what i did 3 years ago.. seemed to work out well

admp said...

This explanation made it so clear to me why I've failed miserably every time I've tried to get a girl back. Fuck me, Brendan, you might need to turn this advice thing into a full time business.

Stizzy said...

All of a sudden I realize why I'm single. Jesus, this blog is like dear abby just with more felching

Steve Jones said...

Wow Brendan. Bravo on the advice. Having been in a similar situation I can safely say that your take is spot on. Well done.

Shaun said...

"When you get together with a bunch of old friends, what are the odds you don't revisit the past on a pretty consistent basis?"

If the majority of the time spent with your friends is spent looking at the past, chances are you've got some really boring friends and lives. Life is about new experiences more than past ones. If you've got friends who care about you, then kindly remind them of what you're trying to do and not to bring up that time at the mall/the movie you guys went to see a month before the pregnancy thing/the pregnancy thing/etc.

trolley said...

Why the fuck does anyone care if you use a cleaning lady? My favourite comment was the guy that claimed it's not "punk rock". Guess what pal, when you grow up and have a family and job and a lot of other priorities, spending $40 a week to have someone come in and scrub your toilets isn't really that big of a deal.

Matt Ramone said...

Brendan, I saw Blink 182 on the Tonight Show and I have to say that there is no good reason the Larries aren't on TV. Tom sounded like he was 13 and in the middle of a junior high talent show.

PIXI said...

I also have to complement on your advice, Brendan. While I was reading it, all I could think was, damn, he's good. I really think you could turn this into a full time job.

meo150 said...

definately some wise words, especially the last two days in a row. hes in THE ZONE.

Dax said...

Damn good advice. Thanks a lot. Things have been slowly getting better these last couple days... she's still making contact, so we'll see what happens. I'm not gonna try to hang out or pressure her at all. In a month or two I'll call her and gauge her reaction and go from there.
But, if things don't work out, I'm still gonna try to get visitation rights to see my dog. Fuck that. I love that dog.

Sickie27 said...

I honestly admire your ability to bring people together.
I mean, my current boyfriend started talking to me more after reading the blog you wrote about my jizz tits! You indirectly brought me a pretty cool dude who I bang.
You bring a bunch of people who were already brought together by your music by starting a blog, and some of those people were brought together by another Sock Drawer apart from this site. And I've never been to any of your shows (but hopefully I will with the Larry Arms tour ATLANTA MASQUERADE HMMM?) but I'm pretty sure the togetherness is intense there. I mean, I cried over the togetherness at Against Me! a few weeks ago so at Larry Arms show, I think I'd bawl like a small child.

But whatever, what I'm really saying is... I fully appreciate what you do. Whole heartedly.

/lame
-Yumiko

Sickie27 said...

And I think I should add my current boyfriend is NOT the guy who unloaded on me... Btw...

Capt Murdock said...

Having a day where you feel like an inadequate parent is one of the worst things ever. So far my puppy has been A-OK with my baby but I'm dreading the day when they get into it.

Oh and I would have loved to have your sage-like wisdom about 15 years ago. Keep up the good work!

XO
Capt Murdock
thesockdrawer.proboards.com

Capt Murdock said...

Wait so it wasn't the dude who posted on here about it?

I like your style Yumiko!

wilddanimal said...

Shit, man, that's great advice, but way easier said than done. But it's something to think about at least.

And fuck the haters. When I move out again, I'd totally hire domestic help. I'm way too lazy to keep a properly clean apartment, but nothing tells female visitors "I have my shit together, you should fuck me" like a clean apartment. The odds get better if the place is clean enough that they're comfortable going to your bathroom after fucking you without putting on shoes or anything.

Seagull Steve said...

"No lurking" is one of the best rules for dealing with relationship issues. Also, I would do it if I was offered, but please do not play The Tonight Show.

Mikey said...

Your dog vs. kid story painted an awesome picture in my head. i mean, i'm sure it was scary as fuck but hearing about it afterwards...

i need some advice. how do you go about coming up with a good band name? i realize this is a lame question. very lame indeed. but it's been kicking my band in the ass for a little while now. i know how you came up with the lawrence arms but how about the falcon? were you just like "the falcon, that sounds cool" out of thin air or what happened? Any great band names off the top of your head you wouldn't mind sharing (cause that would be pretty cool to have my band named by Brendan Kelly)?

kylewagoner said...

I know what you mean by not caring once you get to that point. I dated this girl and, granted I'm only 17 now, we fucked and all and she was my first and all of that snazzy shit and then we broke up like teenagers did and I wanted her back and when I realized I could just try to be like I used to and got to the point that I dropped all of the mushy past shit, I didn't care anymore. Relationships tend to suck a lot sometimes. Now I haven't had sex in 20 months....I love you, man. I said it before and I'll say it again. You're great. Lawrence Arms and/or Falcon East Coast tour. How about it? With someone like American Steel again or whoever you'd pick or get with would be awesome. OWTH would be cool, too. Fuck it, I don't give a fuck, just come over here when you get the chance. I'm gonna make a BSC for the show.

love,
Kyle

bert said...

listen to brendan. its hard to hear, but its the truth.

simmons said...

When Babies Attack
-almonds
-parents
-dogs
-other children


add a couple more on there and you got a sitcom my friend.

Sean said...

if having a house keeper isn't "punk rock"... then Fat Mike DEFINITELY is not punk... cuz that guy supposedly has bidets!


...oh... wait...

still. you naysayers blow a whole load of nay.

bert said...

who's bitching about a housekeeper?!? who gives that much of a shit? if it gives sir kelly more time to spend with the family and write songs, where's the problem? seriously?

Max said...

I think the hawks will step it up, they'll get at least two wins from the series.

Mark said...

Another great post. I wish I would've read all this a year or two ago.

Owner Operator said...

"I mean, I’m pretty sure that the kid bit the dog first. That’s a fairly reasonable response, right?"

i laughed so loud when i read this. gold!

oh, my verification is valtin... is that like jumping over something with a stick?

Suzanne said...

I have just one question.. I thought the Plan B pill was the morning after pill, not an abortion pill.. At least, I've taken plan b for the morning after purpose..
Not saying it's not traumatic and all that, but there's a big difference between morning after pill and pregnant-abortion.

Robb said...

Housekeeper? Yeah. He also consumes meat. In fact, he's made even more references to delicious cheeseburgers than Venezuelan maids! Yup, it's all right here in this blog, for which he sacrifices personal time to provide free, which you read religiously and enjoy fervently, and which is the sole reason you know of any such personal 'quirks'. Without being too cryptic, I guess I'm saying "shut the fuck up".

sheila said...

Brendan,

don't let those cleaning-lady rights activists or whatever the fuck they think they are get to you. I have always dreamed of having a cleaning lady. since childhood, really. There's absolutely nothing wrong with hiring a person to clean your home. It's fucking WORK. Plain and simple.

Candice said...

plan b doesn't work if you are already pregnant. basically it just prevents implantation of the zygote, if one was formed.


as always brendan- stellar advice.

Dave said...

BK, I was one of people that asked about the cleaning lady. Sorry, I bummed you out. I was teasing you, just like I would give my own friends the business if they told me they had a cleaning lady, nanny, chaffeur, or personal shopper. No offense was intended. Let's be bros.

3 wisdom teeth said...

hey kids...yeah, the cleaning lady comments were dumb. see brendans post where he defines super judgy assholes or dicks or whatever.

at some point in life little or huge transitions take place,... once upon a time i had a car that would not stop breaking down. this was just fine cuz my friends had a garage with a ton of tools, we would get beers and stay up all night wrenching, drinking talking and then...cars fixed!
well, now all 5 of those dudes are married, 3 have kids and i see each one of them about every 2 months. also, my girl is not gonna let all night wrenching sessions go on, and no way could i handle it either. fuck, what am i doing here? oh well, kind of an example.

ya, i got a cleaning lady too, i think she might make more than me too...thats fine of course!

anyhoo, good advice for that guy, hope he takes it.

AndBurnTheRest said...

Brendan,

I am consistently impressed. Thanks for writing the chronicles man, it's humanizing and totally relate-able. (Sp?)

I'm just another Kevin wearing flip flops without a creative bone in his whole fucking body, so it's a relief someone out there knows how to write a thing or two. Obviously us in the sock drawer need it, that's for sure.

I'm not trying to suck you off or anything, just digging the blog.

Justin Stitches said...

I will join in with the herd and say awesome advice. I think that you should pursue writing some sort of book. For real.

In addition to your advice to DAX, or perhaps to re-emphasize: No matter what happens keep moving. If she doesn't want to be your girl, your friend, whatever, then move on. I know it sounds trite, but if there was enough there for this girl to like/love you, then someone else will undoubtedly think you are the raddest thing since deep-fried twinkies.

You needn't get over her overnight; by all means get all that grief outta yer system. But don't let it hang around yer neck like the old albatross... new potential mates (beyond the sympathy loving you might encounter) can smell old girl baggage a mile away.

Fuck yeah this advice is difficult to put into action... but if you can get even half of it into motion you will be soooo much better off. I have only begun to think in these terms myself... I'm 28... so don't expect immediate results. But when the advice does kick in, you will feel so liberated.

Oh, and to the haters: what's yer beef with the cleaning lady? Is it that you are pissed/jealous you don't have a job or that BK is responsible enough to get his shit taken care of (even if it means that he is paying someone to do it... who will in turn get to eat something today.)?

You guys can all say yer joking about that shit but I know it gets to you deep down. Sad.

Cheers.

p.s. - looking forward to maybe finally seeing Lawrence Arms soon... I gotta get you guys to play my shit city some year. You'll love it. There's nothing to do but drink and... well, drink.

FLetch said...

More to the point,is your cleaning Lady Hot Brendan?

nancy said...

It would be annoying and pathetic to try and hang out, I was in a very similar relationship (i.e. no fighting and lots of sitting around) and it just didn't work, oh, we tried it 3 times and I got pregnant for real the last go around, and have a 7 year old now with him. So just stop now, while you're still ahead.

Rac said...

Coming from a girl... it's pretty dead on. I think it's promising that there's a guy out there who gets it....... and wants to share it with the rest of the clueless dudes out there.

I especially like how you mention the relationship is dead. I have always had a rule about dating someone twice... but strategically, it could quite possibly work.


Maybe I should get my husband to write on this thing.

Dax said...

yeah I fucked that up, it's not the plan b pill. It's whatever the abortion pill is called.
She was pregnant for about 4 weeks when she took it.

DutchDude said...

Thats really some advice of the pro!