bad daddy chronicles...

Good Christ! It’s been a rough morning. The baby got into a bowl of almonds, and I had to fish them out of his mouth. He bit my finger pretty hard, and he’s got a lot of fucking teeth, man! That shit hurts. He already had a little bit of peanut butter a few weeks ago, so I don’t think he’s got a nut allergy, but still, that shit’s scary. For those of you who don’t know, nut allergies are an epidemic in the US, and kids who respond particularly poorly to tree nuts (which almonds are) can go into anaphylactic shock, which, you know, can kill you pretty dead. So, I’ve got my eye on him. BUT apparently not closely enough, because then, I was playing guitar for him (which he likes…and is a good way for me judge if my songs are working on a basic level or not. He’s a kid, after all) when he made a dive between my feet, where I THINK he bit one of our chihuahuas. I KNOW the dog snapped back at him. There was a tiny spot of blood eventually. I cleaned it up good with soap and hydrogen peroxide…but man, fuck. Rough day already. I had to reprimand a dog, clean up a screaming baby, got bit in the finger, worried myself sick about nut allergies, got the house ready for the cleaning lady, looked at all these pictures from the latest Juggalo gathering, all while being exhausted because of these fucking falcon practices.
My kid’s best friend at his daycare and my kid bite each other. It’s kind of what happens at this age. No big deal, and hopefully they’ll learn that biting hurts you know, by getting bitten. The other kid got bit bad in the face by his dog. I don’t know what they did about it. My kid is bigger than my dog, by a lot, and the dog was cornered as shit. I know what they say about dogs and kids and biting and all that, but this seems like a bit of a different circumstance. I mean, I’m pretty sure that the kid bit the dog first. That’s a fairly reasonable response, right? I don’t know. It’s such a bummer. I’m going to the museum today with the kid to give him the most awesome, educational fun day of his small life to make up for the rough morning. Good lord.
Okay, on to your questions for me

Q
So, my girl who I've been with for about three and half years broke up with me last week. We got along great until about 3 months ago when she got pregnant and had an abortion (plan B pill, we both decided it was best choice for us). She said she felt like she woke up pregnant and married (we're not, but might as well have been)and it scared the shit outta her. So she started staying at her parents house (we still hung out quite a bit though) and she's been re-evaluating her life and feeling lost and like the spark in life is gone. We moved in together last June and until the pregnancy things have been great. We did definitely get in a rut of being lazy and watching too much tv and stuff (stupid weed). But we've always got along great (and the sex was fantastic!). We haven't had one real fight EVER. Even now she was so damn honest with me (and didn't cheat) that it's hard to be mad at her for turning my life upside down. I love her more than anything and I've never hurt this bad in my whole life. I sit around at home, work or go to the super market and I find myself trying to not break down balling. My insides feel scooped out. I just never thought this could hurt so bad. She said she hopes she realizes this is the biggest mistake ever, but she can't make any promises and she just needs to do this right now. _What should my gameplan here be?_I have to try to get her back, but I definitely want to give her time to think and figure shit out. She's staying at her parents house and I'm moving into a place with a roommate next month. So that should help her not feel married. What should I do? How long should I wait until I try get us hanging out again? And what's the best way to go about doing this without being annoying and/or pathetic.__Any advice would be great. (I'll take the sock drawer's advice too, if ya have some for me).__p.s. we also a 10 month old puppy that we got last year. She already had a dog, so I can't seperate them._If we don't get back together, would it be wrong of me to ask for visitation rights? I really love that fucking dog.

A
Okay, you’ve got a pretty good handle on this so far, it seems. Moving out, giving her some space…those are the right moves. You’re bummed, massively. That’s to be expected. This is a difficult situation, and I think it’s slightly different than you’re seeing. You guys have never had a fight, you kind of sit around a lot, she woke up after a traumatic experience with an unexpected pregnancy and rationally decided that she felt trapped and told you simply and honestly that she was moving out. It sounds to me like there’s a lack of passion in this relationship that she’s been cognizant of for a while and that she’s now ending it because of. People fight. People who CARE about each other fight. People in stressful situations fight. I mean, not all the time, sure, but if you guys dated for 3.5 years, never fought, terminated a pregnancy and still never fought, I’d wager that the complacence meter was reading off the charts. This might be news to you (it usually is to dudes) but there’s your problem. That’s what’s going on here. That’s her ‘trap’ that she feels like she’s in. Anyway, that’s not your question.
You can get her back. Sure you can. I have two guesses why I don’t think you will though: 1. You’re too much of an emotional basket case to properly do things the way they need to be done right now in order to get her back and 2. By the time you ARE ready to do these things, your feelings of hopelessness and despair will have hardened into a little bit of resentment, and the rekindling of the relationship will no longer be as appealing as it seems now.
This was my experience when I went through this, and has been the experience of everyone I’ve ever seen go through this, but hey, I’m not here to discourage, and like I said, you CAN get her back. For sure you can. Here’s how:
She saw you and thought you seemed interesting at one point, right? Then she talked to you, got to know you and realized you were cool. At some point, she let you bang her, and at some point, she decided she loved you. All that shit is still in there, she’s just bored shitless by your relationship. SO, all you have to do is become the person you were when you guys met. I don’t mean that you need to revert back to listening to Simple Plan and telling dick jokes and acting like you did four years ago. I mean, back then, you probably hung out with your friends, checked out girls, went around to places that weren’t the entrenched haunts of your relationship and kind of let shit roar a bit, right? Right. Now, it’s been three years and you’re thinking shit like, “maybe I’ll run into her down at Joe’s Diner, that’s a romantic little coincidence, ain’t it? That’s OUR spot” and that’s just not gonna do. Not at all. You, the old you that got her interest the first time, you didn’t hang out at Joes, okay. And if you did? Well, you certainly weren’t trolling there looking for her, so STOP with everything that has to do with your dead relationship. That includes the dog, that includes everything. The relationship is DEAD. You MUST think of it this way. You don’t want to revive THIS relationship, because it’s DOOMED. You need to start a NEW relationship with this girl. Are you understanding me? No pathetic phone calls or emotional talks about the past with her. No lurking. This involves you getting back to being the dynamic guy who hangs out with his friends and does fun shit for yourself, NOT for the two of you. You must be the new, older, wiser version of the you you once were. IF you can do this, and like I said, I know it’s rough, but IF you can, she will, mark my words, be interested in you. I don’t care if she’s got another boyfriend, I don’t care what the deal is. This WILL work if properly done. But, TALKING ABOUT THE DEAD RELATIONSHIP IS NOT ALLOWED WITH HER!!!!!!!!! If she insists on bringing something up, shrug it off and change the subject. You need to be a little emotionally distant. Not rude, but not ‘soulmate close’ either. You’re not there to talk about her ex boyfriend (you), you’re there to steer this girl towards her new relationship (with you).
There you go. Good luck dude. And just to reiterate, no dog visitation. You cannot simultaneously not look pathetic and ask for dog visitation. Bummer? Oh yeah, but which one of them do you want in your bed more? That’s the choice there, man.
Good luck!

Oh, and in response to another hot button topic in the sock drawer- Firstly, it’s really none of your business why I have a cleaning lady, and I don’t need to justify my life or decisions to anyone, but, in the spirit of transparency, the reason I have a cleaning lady is because I’m a thirty two year old man with a kid, two dogs and not enough time to clean my house and a desire for a clean house and enough money to pay for some help every two weeks. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you turds? It’s not like she’s my stepdaughter or something. She’s ALREADY a cleaning lady. I’m giving her work. Is that a satisfactory answer dickheads? If not, please, by all means, advise me. I mean shit, even raskolnikov had a cleaning lady, and he was completely broke. Jesus fucking Christ.
See you all later.