Thursday, May 28, 2009

time capsule

Do you guys believe that Nicole Ritchie and that one tubby twin are finally getting married? That’s dreamy. It’s, like, a dream, right? I mean, they’ve already got a beautiful baby and another one on the way, and he’s into jesus and Mormonism and as a result, he’s been rewarded with a former junkie retard turned inspirational earth bimbo who’s famous for some reason, that he gets to bone while Lionel Ritchie hangs around on the kitchen ceiling. So sweet. Just throwing this out there- I bet when they bang it smells like asscracks, begonias, leather and dreams. Kind of like what a hot topic smells like after a rainstorm.
Who else is in the news? Uh…Selma Hayek? Nah. Not really. I DO like her cans though. Um…Oh, you know who’s really big right now? That gay Australian guy who’s actually not gay. Um, Huge Jackoff? No. Um…Yahoo Serious. That’s his name. Jesus Christ! None of you guys probably even remember Yahoo Serious, do you? That’s just sad, man. He was one of the greatest thespians the stage has ever known.
See, I’m making some attempts at timeliness here at Bad Sandwich. Why? The world is disposable, man. Have you looked around? That’s what the internet is for- going crazy about what’s going on RIGHT NOW( and of course archiving every piece of footage ever shot of people buttfucking). This is how we make these disposable, phony celebrities. It’s beautiful, because we don’t pay for anything, that way we can all be in love with Afro Ninja today, and leave him to deal with his brain damage tomorrow. He’s broken and never got paid, but he’s famous, we’re still the same, and everyone moves on.
I mean, have you seen “Cold in the D”? That shit is off the hook (ebonics from the nineties, meaning ‘reccomended’), and from what I can tell, T baby was pretty fucking big for a minute there. That’s what the internet says, but see, I don’t know when that was, or even if it’s actually true. We live in a world of frozen moments where at any given time you can read that the new Star Trek is about to come out, or Heath Ledger at a Manhattan Starbucks with daughter Matilda and on again ex [whatever the fuck her name is…Oh, michelle Williams] and considering renting a SoHo loft, or whatever. The only way to know if what you’re reading is up to date or not is to search for telltale signs of timeliness right there, embedded in the meat of the page.
Like, for example, you see two people on the internet, they’re uh…let’s just use buttfucking again, to keep it simple. They’re buttfucking and she (the woman, or buttfuckee) says “oh yeah, let me taste this nineteen year old asshole right off your big veiny wiener” or something like that. The issue of her age becomes an interesting one, because firstly, is she really nineteen? No one knows. I’ve definitely seen plenty of movies (both featuring buttfucking and not featuring any buttfucking at all) where the people that they say are nineteen are clearly thirty six. BUT, there’s also the question of WHEN this shit went up on the internet. She could actually be nineteen in the movie, but currently be thirty six with a bunch of seventeen year old ass babies from this VERY slice of the frozen past. To use an example closer to my heart, the girl on Guesshermuff with the Lawrence Arms poster…Is she a fan of that poster now, or was she playing the guessing game five and a half years ago when that record came out? It’s impossible to tell.
That’s why, in the spirit of dating shit (never mind that all these posts are dated…that could just be when I post already written material, right?) I’m talking about what’s in the news today.
So, let’s get started…we got, maybe, a new supreme court justice. That’s okay. Um, there’s something going on with north korea. The gays are having some issues in California and finally, um…Chris Brown is speaking out that he’s not a monster. Yipes. Good luck with all that. I’d LOVE to be his PR guy. Next up, Octomom…No. She's done. Miley in a bathing suit? Um, new evidence suggests that servings of whole grains will...Sheesh. No wonder I don’t talk about what’s going on in the world. I gotta go to work. I’m not cut out for this shit.

22 comments:

John F. said...

Man, I used to love "Young Einstein." For making Albert Einstein an Australian who invented rock & roll and, as I recall, banged Marie Curie, Yahoo Serious can do no wrong.

mkculyculkin said...

Hot topic is good for one thing, and one thing only vinyl clearence sales.

man are you right about the smell ha ha

J said...

I had a crush on Yahoo Serious when I was a kid. Explains so much now.

Matt Ramone said...

That chick with the Larries poster has a lot of other nudes floating around online.

Andrew said...

never heard of yahoo serious but ive heard of gallagher. now i'm vaguely interested.

thesultanofsexy said...

Most importantly, North Korea might play in World cup next year. How awesome is that? Great Leader will be pleased!

SaulioSBJ123 said...

Because I don't go to the mall much, I went to the mall in October (years ago, not last Oct) and saw this thing called "Hot Topic" and, from what was in the windows and stuff, I thought it was a Halloween store. I couldn't figure out how it stayed in business the rest of the year, but I went in and all I really remember is a wristband with Ralph Wiggum on it and then me leaving.

Jayzilla said...

oh man -- i used to love gallagher --

i remember asking my mother why she wasnt laughing at his hillarioddities (dating: during the early 90s when comedy central ran his stuff around the clock)

her response: "i laughed when it first came out -- years ago"

my confusion...does the sledge-o-matic really go out of style?

PIXI said...

Yeah, I'm pretty sure what you read about Heath Ledger wasn't very timely, because, well, he's been dead for over a year.

jsin1981 said...

Love the buttfucking analogy!

Kyle Milton said...

Matt, do her other nudes have the poster in them? Otherwise I'm uninterested.

Capt Murdock said...

thesockdrawer.proboards.com

I'll help you time stamp your blog with a joke:

What do you call a young girl who is interested in exercise and just hanging around?

Louis Stevens said...

Which girl has the poster?

Showtyme said...

Young Einstein was an amazingly awesome movie! Yahoo Serious is so fucking off the wall...

Daniel said...

Hey Brendan,
I didn't know whether to send this to you directly at your email or if I should post it in the sock drawer. (I don't usually read alot of comments made in the comments section on pages. Punknews.org completely sucked any of the joy out of that a long time ago.) Anyways I read your blog every day during the week and I'm a huge fan of the Larry Arms so thanks for all the creative output that you have out there. It means alot to me.
Well to the point I have semi recently moved to a town away from home and long term friendships and all that. I moved here for a change of pace and for a better working opportunity and have been really succesful in work and it has definitely been a change of pace. I never got a free second when I was back home. There was always someone calling or someone stopping by or a million things to do and so on. After a while I began to feel really overwhelmed, thus the desire for the change of pace. Well (in reference to your many writings about confidence and Wednesdays post about coolness) back home I was brimming with confidence and cool. I would walk into a place and literally start fighting off ladies. It was weird, but whatever. Now that I'm in this new town and after I ended a relationship with a woman that was continually railroading my selfconfidence that I started dating about the time that I moved in to town (I won't ever date a girl in her early twenties again) I'm having a really hard time making friends and meeting new women. I get out in a place and start freaking out. I get around people that I've known for a while (not really friends but aquantices) and I don't have anything to say. I'm completely out of conversation material and I'm finding that I am having a hard time getting along with the people that I am meeting. I've been following your blog and the advice you've given for a while and I've tried switching up where I'm hanging out because the bars definitely weren't working. I've been going to shows, out to all different sorts of cool places to eat different cool food, going to art exhibits and spending alot of time in general in the greater downtown area of the town I'm living in. You know, all the normal things that you get involved with to find other people that are into subculture. I have been extremely let down by the people that I have met (the people that I have met I usually have some kind of dramatic confrontation with after knowing them only a short time and I hate confrontation now a days), and being even more let down by the fact that I'm not meeting any cool people, and that is what I feel is creating this whole social anxiety thing that is really starting to become an issue for me. I went from going out to places and having women offer me beej's in the bathroom (I never was down with accepting beej's from women I didn't know. I've always been a punk rocker and thought that your comment about punk rockers being prudes a couple of months back was right on with me regardless of if I wanted it to be that way or not.) and getting wrecked with the bands traveling through town to my phone not ringing ever. As a result, like I've said I went from being way confident and way cool to having zero confidence and a mounting social anxiety problem that I've never had before (I've been going out and hanging out for years and always felt ill at ease), and as a result of that I have zero friends in my new town and zero love interests. I feel like a weiner asking somebody for advice that I've never met before, well I don't know I may have spoken to you a bit one night at the Clermont after the last time you guys came to the Masquerade with American Steel but I was shitfaced so that night isn't altogether clear to me, but your advice is always solid and I'm desperate for some perspective on what I should do to regain my confidence and cool and start meeting people.
Thanks alot again for your help and your blog and the Larry Arms.
Danny

monkeyman8889 said...

Does anyone have the link to the original guesshermuff? I wanna see it.

or know what number she was on the site.

AndBurnTheRest said...

Yeah, I would also like to guess this muff with a TLA poster...can someone please link?

SaulioSBJ123 said...

monkeyman and andburntherest,

I went to "shades of motherfuckin' Greeeeeey!" and Sylvester Trombone's comment said "#283"

Justin said...

http://guesshermuff.blogspot.com/2009/03/girl-283.html

Seagull Steve said...

Danny - Dude its all about the comfort zone. I moved from San Francisco to a remote island with 70 people....yeah kinda out of the zone for a while. Chicks can tell. It just takes time. Time and booze. Then the girls come back and the awkward silences between people become funny again.

AndBurnTheRest said...

Saulio and Justin,

Thanks for linking.

Brendan,

Keep up the good work.

Peace in the Middle East,

Kevin

ak said...

if you are willing to take advice from the drawer......I moved to Austin recently not knowing anyone, this was right after my first tour overseas so there was some adjusting and heavy drinking to do. As it tends to happen in punk circles or just people who share such experiences, young in life it was some what difficult moving and not knowing anyone, where as back home I had been really good friends with most of the crew 10+ years. What I found helped me was to find a good wingman. Be open minded about this, this person may not resemble or fit into any group taht resembled your old friends. A guy in one of my classes came to an after calss bar call when the semester started. The first week was cool. The next week I asked the class (only about 12 people) if they wanted to go to the bar again, and people said "yes", but they never showed up so it ended up being me and this guy. He's not even American, he's Colombian, I asked him if he just wanted to meet with the class next week, but he said "fuck it we're here." Between the two of us we ended up killing 4 pitchers of fat tire and have been friends since. Hope this heps.....