Do you guys believe that Nicole Ritchie and that one tubby twin are finally getting married? That’s dreamy. It’s, like, a dream, right? I mean, they’ve already got a beautiful baby and another one on the way, and he’s into jesus and Mormonism and as a result, he’s been rewarded with a former junkie retard turned inspirational earth bimbo who’s famous for some reason, that he gets to bone while Lionel Ritchie hangs around on the kitchen ceiling. So sweet. Just throwing this out there- I bet when they bang it smells like asscracks, begonias, leather and dreams. Kind of like what a hot topic smells like after a rainstorm.
Who else is in the news? Uh…Selma Hayek? Nah. Not really. I DO like her cans though. Um…Oh, you know who’s really big right now? That gay Australian guy who’s actually not gay. Um, Huge Jackoff? No. Um…Yahoo Serious. That’s his name. Jesus Christ! None of you guys probably even remember Yahoo Serious, do you? That’s just sad, man. He was one of the greatest thespians the stage has ever known.
See, I’m making some attempts at timeliness here at Bad Sandwich. Why? The world is disposable, man. Have you looked around? That’s what the internet is for- going crazy about what’s going on RIGHT NOW( and of course archiving every piece of footage ever shot of people buttfucking). This is how we make these disposable, phony celebrities. It’s beautiful, because we don’t pay for anything, that way we can all be in love with Afro Ninja today, and leave him to deal with his brain damage tomorrow. He’s broken and never got paid, but he’s famous, we’re still the same, and everyone moves on.
I mean, have you seen “Cold in the D”? That shit is off the hook (ebonics from the nineties, meaning ‘reccomended’), and from what I can tell, T baby was pretty fucking big for a minute there. That’s what the internet says, but see, I don’t know when that was, or even if it’s actually true. We live in a world of frozen moments where at any given time you can read that the new Star Trek is about to come out, or Heath Ledger at a Manhattan Starbucks with daughter Matilda and on again ex [whatever the fuck her name is…Oh, michelle Williams] and considering renting a SoHo loft, or whatever. The only way to know if what you’re reading is up to date or not is to search for telltale signs of timeliness right there, embedded in the meat of the page.
Like, for example, you see two people on the internet, they’re uh…let’s just use buttfucking again, to keep it simple. They’re buttfucking and she (the woman, or buttfuckee) says “oh yeah, let me taste this nineteen year old asshole right off your big veiny wiener” or something like that. The issue of her age becomes an interesting one, because firstly, is she really nineteen? No one knows. I’ve definitely seen plenty of movies (both featuring buttfucking and not featuring any buttfucking at all) where the people that they say are nineteen are clearly thirty six. BUT, there’s also the question of WHEN this shit went up on the internet. She could actually be nineteen in the movie, but currently be thirty six with a bunch of seventeen year old ass babies from this VERY slice of the frozen past. To use an example closer to my heart, the girl on Guesshermuff with the Lawrence Arms poster…Is she a fan of that poster now, or was she playing the guessing game five and a half years ago when that record came out? It’s impossible to tell.
That’s why, in the spirit of dating shit (never mind that all these posts are dated…that could just be when I post already written material, right?) I’m talking about what’s in the news today.
So, let’s get started…we got, maybe, a new supreme court justice. That’s okay. Um, there’s something going on with north korea. The gays are having some issues in California and finally, um…Chris Brown is speaking out that he’s not a monster. Yipes. Good luck with all that. I’d LOVE to be his PR guy. Next up, Octomom…No. She's done. Miley in a bathing suit? Um, new evidence suggests that servings of whole grains will...Sheesh. No wonder I don’t talk about what’s going on in the world. I gotta go to work. I’m not cut out for this shit.