Friday, May 22, 2009

shades of motherfuckin' Greeeeeey!

I have a confession to make: When I go to guesshermuff.blogspot.com, I don’t even guess. Never. I just look at the picture, and then click on the little “here” to see the reveal shot. My favorite reveals are the ones where they’re obviously wasted. It’s funny. Am I misusing the internet? It’s possible, but I don’t know if I can bring myself to hazard a guess, and I suppose I’m just gonna have to accept that. Wow. I feel better now. Thanks for listening, Dongs of War. Much appreesh.
As I hinted yesterday, I’ve been to some gross places on tour but this one place in Omaha was by far the most disgusting place I’ve ever been. First, we played at a place called the cog factory. This was a club that had been around for a really long time. Slapstick (my ooooooold band) played there in 94 on our tour with 7 seconds and skankin pickle. Back then, it was pretty okay. Well, it was a dumpy shitbox, but it was fine. It had a kitchen, four walls, ceiling, power, light rig, bathrooms…you know, typical shitty punk rock no booze club. Every time we went back however, it got a little worse.
This is currently happening in Atlanta. The first time we played the Masquerade in Atlanta it was a BEAUTIFUL club. That was on the first Plea for Peace tour. Yeah, it was old, but it was well maintained and super fun AND there was a porn star there, but that’s a whole other story. Anyhoo, since then, for reasons too boring to go into, it’s steadily declined into one of the shittiest Hepatitis farms in the country. The walls sag, the smell is that of poo. The toilets are always flooded. The ground is sticky and the back stage looks like it’s never been cleaned. I think it’s still an okay place to SEE a show, but when you’re on tour and your options for shitting are pretty much what you can run to when the bus/van pulls up, I can say with authority that the Masquerade is no one’s favorite place to play. Of course it’s right around the corner from an amazing (and famous) strip club where the fat and the old dance naked and crush beercans betwixt their big saggy old tits and drinks are cheap and everything is wonderful. It’s called the Clermont, and it’s in the basement of a really, really nice hotel. Heh. The Clermont alone makes the Masquerade great, actually.
Anyway, we were talking about the Cog Factory in Omaha (just down the street from where my friend Leeann gave that crackhead ten bucks to video tape him trying to suck his own wang…I wrote about it in one of the earlier entries [back when BSC was still black and white]) and it’s demise. By the last time we played there, everything was done. The water was turned off, the power was on again-off again and the bathroom…well, man. It was a mountain. Of poo. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOO nasty. There was a toilet, right there, where toilets should be, in the bathroom, and people had been shitting in it, just like you’re supposed to, but HERE’S the bad part. No water. No water= no flushing. But, this deterred NO ONE. SO, people kept dumping and dumping and eventually the mountain of poos crested the seat, and still people kept shitting on it. When I saw it (I peeked in on a dare and almost barfed after half a second) I think it was safe to say that it rose, not unlike Kilimanjaro above the Serengeti, mind you, a good five inches above the rim of the seat. Gross. I mean, seriously? Who’s squatting, balanced on the seat, going through all that effort to shit onto this pile? What kind of depraved, sick, horrendously twisted…jesus Christ. You get the idea, right? It was gross. And of course, it stunk up the whole fucking place. Oh, but that’s not the grossest place. The grossest place was the house we went to party at after the show.
The kitchen was full of black garbage bags. I would say there were literally twelve of them, and an animal had eaten through a few of them and strewn shit everywhere. On the counters were food items that had long ceased to be recognizable crusted and molded into casserole dishes and onto plates and forks. Large black flies swarmed. The whole place smelled bad, and I definitely didn’t go anywhere else in the house but the living room and the kitchen. AND, I only went to the kitchen to escape the living room, which had, and I’m not shitting you people here, one of those plastic yellow mop buckets on wheels that janitors use filled with water and another mountain of shit, but in THIS one, someone bad had been putting their cigarettes out in the poos. Man. They said we could stay there, but we decided to risk it elsewhere.
Once in Soux Falls, these people invited us to trash this house they’d been evicted from. We were literally having a party while smashing windows, pulling up carpet, destroying built in shelving and someone lit a couch on fire, but when our buddy brian started peeing in the corner, the guy who’s house it was got super pissed and started wigging out. “Come on, dude! What the fuck are you doing?” Guess you gotta have standards, right?

Okay, happy Friday everyone. You know how it is on Fridays, and I’m out of here. Work’s gonna suck the dick off a dog, and I got a show tomorrow at Reggies. See you there, Sock Drawer!

36 comments:

Candice said...

this post made me sick.

have a great show tonight! i'm so sad i'm gonna miss it.

thesultanofsexy said...

Nice Africa reference.

wilddanimal said...

And to think my sister said, after visiting my old apartment in West Oakland, that I "live[d] in squalor". What fucking nerve. The neighborhood was kinda grubby, it was fuckin' West Oakland, but my apartment was never dirty enough to scare chicks away.

Some Young Guy said...

i laughed out loud at your description of poo mountain.

my fave Guess Her Muffs are 380 and 429. Check em out.

Landmines said...

we got offered a place to stay after a show once where we walked through the house, straight from the front door to the back door, and by the time we were in the backyard our legs, from our sneakers to shins were black with fleas.

that may have been the worst.

p.s. coming to chicago from richmond in july for a show, probably at Ronny's, does anyone have anything we should know about that place?

bth said...

i got a handjob in the bathroom at masquerade once at a les savy fav show. stay classy ladies.

Candice said...

a good guy friend of mine once told me that handjobs are insults. there is no need for a girl to give a handjob because a guy could do it better himself.

i think he was just trying to get a beej out of me.

planespotting said...

Did it work?

Candice said...

haha no. i've learned my lesson. no more blowjobs for guys with girlfriends.

Dave said...

I remember the tour with Slapstick, 7 Seconds, and Skankin Pickle. I was at the show at the Side Door, in St. Louis. Probably the show right before or after the Omaha one. That was one of my favorite all - time shows.

planespotting said...

Good plan. Heejs for taken guys, beejs for everyone else!

And that does sound like an awesome show. Was 7 Seconds on Asian Man then too?

DutchDude said...

Wow great website you've named there!!

Sickie27 said...

It's true, the Masquerade is a cool place to SEE shows. I never noticed a smell, but my friends and I always hope we're there when it finally collapses. But I'm taking this entry as a subtle hint that you would love to play The Masquerade again, because you know that it would make me happy. And that's all that really matters.


Also, FUCKING GROSS. I hope I never have to see a Poo Mountain like that ever in my life. :(

Josh said...

I'm happy to hear that there's someone else out there who has where the next place they can drop a deuce might be on their mind while on tour. I'm the kind of guy who will drop trow wherever necessary, but it would constantly be on my mind while on tour or just while traveling in general and I thought I was the only one.

What a load off my mind that is!

Bridgett said...

You mean, Mt. Kilimanjar-poo?

If that was a shitty place, where's an awesome place to play?

AndTheRadio said...

Landmines...
Does it really have to be at Ronnys? I got fucked out of The Riot Before and OWTH plus tons of local shows due to the 21+. Not like one comment will change your mind, but fuck.

Kyle Krische said...

anyone else bummed when the pregnant chick in guess her muff wasn't pregnant in her snatch shot?

FAskies said...

kyle...... i feel your pain

Tony P. said...

I had never seen that site before, guesshermuff.com.

I tried guessing "bush" everytime so I wouldn't be disappointed.

Some of those things still disappointed me.

Robb said...

Bridgett--in case this is still lingering--I did fine in "that part of town" as a first-time turista in chicago back in dec. for larry arms/copyrights/methadones on new year's at reggie's...and my face screams "ooh, dis faggot think he smart n shit" to the average skeet-skeet. Bite the bullet and cough up cab fare if you're that worried (understandably) about car theft; be prepared for the battle royale of "waaah that's MY cab" afterward, but generally you'll be fine if you remain in the general reggie's vicinity and don't go chasing stray crack rock.

Sylvester Trombone said...

Please don't mock me if this is super old news to everyone in the BSC sock drawer, but a friend of mine emailed me a few months ago and told me to check out girl #283 who has a Lawrence Arms poster on the wall. Ha. I just thought it was relevant. Sorry, girl #283 if you actually read this blog. I will feel kinda bad if that's the case. Oh, and she likes Taxi Driver too, apparently.

SaulioSBJ123 said...

I've got to say that guess her muff is actually more entertaining for me when I read the people's comments on really bad ones than looking at the muffs (and everyone knows guessing is boring).

Landmines said...

Hey AndTheRadio. unfortunately we don't really have much control, we were trying for Reggies (i'm not sure if that's 21+ too or not) but were told that it couldn't happen there. I'll tell the dude Vito who's setting it up to see if there's a possibility of an all ages venue though.

amandatague said...

i have been to ronny's many a time and they don't check your id to go in the garage for the show. they only check if you're buying a drink. MAYBE. but they don't randomly check id on everyone with a beer in hand.

so. you can for sure go to the show, underage kid.

Robb said...

Has anyone in the sock drawer ever watched 'Aguirre: The Wrath of God'? Let's talk about it. That Klaus Kinski was one kRazy homo. No? Fight Club? Oh, ok.

See said...

Dude,the masquerade isnt THAT bad.

also, who was the porn star at the pfp show?

Shane McPain said...

That website is fucking dangerous! I have now seen every single snatch that it has to offer and i feel strange. Maybe the sheer volume of vaginas someow short circuited my brain? I always thought i was quite strong willed but i was just compelled to carry on and on. man, i need some human interaction.


haha and yeh, i doubt your alone in the cheating brendan, it didnt take long for me to drop the pretense of guessing. all of 2 minutes.

jim said...

Great blog...I've been a fan of Slaptick thru The Falcon. My favorite was Broadways with Falcon a close second, but Larry Arms kick ass and I come out to any DC/Baltimore show you guys do and it never disappoints...the DC show with NOFX opening with the Decline was equivalent to receiving a blumpkin while getting a $1 titty smack to the face. Anyways, can you do a post on the breakup of Slapstick? You and Kid Dynamite were 2 of my first punk introductions both of which I was too late to the party to actually see live but still listen to on the regular. Thanks brah.

ak said...

....man, kid dynamite was really cool. I saw them with snapcase...it was a great show.

Tony said...

Not sure if you've spotted this one, but it appears one of the ladies on guesshermuff is a Larry Arms fan:

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qcWjCO8idGo/Sa_rh3iejuI/AAAAAAAARUo/R5ZLArVbU4I/s1600-h/1495522278.jpeg

Look at the effect you have on these women, BK!

Robb said...

Ok, so for the uninitiated--Klaus Kinski was a german actor whom, though talented, was also utterly fucking nuts. I brought him up because I'd been on a kick and recently re-watched a few of his films. Anyway, even if you never watch a single film he was in, you need to at least watch this clip. It's from on the set of the film 'Fitzcarraldo'. It puts Christian Bale's freak-out from Terminator Salvation to shame.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPKODzv1PD4&feature=related

Cliff Legend said...

Hey Brandon
Im working on my senior thesis project for my degree in music industry at drexel university and im writing/presenting about booking agents and bands experiences. I'd love to ask you like 4 or 5 questions and use your quotes in my presentation, if you can please drop me an email at rmh44@drexel.edu it would be suchhh a big help. keep on rockin.

SaulioSBJ123 said...

I think you just found your next person to review, the guy that is probably perfectly nice and most likely only has the best intentions, but asks you for a favor despite not knowing your name.

Matt said...

Oh jesus, crap mountains are never good. I have been in many NYC bars/venues where the poo has taken over the stall, or worse, the entire bathroom. If bar owners need to take care of ANYTHING in their bar, the shitter has GOT to be first on the list. No one like gaging while trying to take a piss because the entire bathroom smells like the inside of someones ass...unless you're into that kind of thing. ew.

Mike said...

As an Omaha native (and now an Atlanta resident) I am a little embarrassed to be #1 and #2 on the dirtiest places to play list. I remember Cog Factory very fondly, but I also remember the poop mountain and the party house after the show. Sorry about that, buddy.

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