the continuing crisis...

Good morning and happy Monday. I overcame the swine flu this weekend, and I couldn’t be happier. I made almost a full recovery, except my left foot is still a hoof. Bummer, right? Yeah, well, whatever. What doesn’t kill you makes you OINK…sorry. That’s still happening too, now and then. Sigh.
Okay, so in the spirit of my neverending quest to define everyone in the world, I’d like to continue with my next entry: the awesomely self destructive:

These are your friends that are constantly driving drunk/pumping chicks or guys that they shouldn’t be pumping, doing drugs, telling outrageous jokes, and generally making shit happen with the sheer tenacity that comes with having a monster ballsack.
She got you into Wrigley and you guys wound up hanging with Soriano at some titty bar after the game because your friend was just drunk, lying, flirting and unstoppable. He fucked the forty five year old chick at the bar right in the bathroom while texting his girlfriend the whole time. She pushed the cop. He took so many oxycontins that he curled up under the bar in the back room of the Mexican restaurant and fell asleep under a rug that he pulled off the wall.
Now, the thing that separates the awesomely self destructive from the typical fuck up is primarily consistency. ANYONE can get wasted, or get angry or be just totally clueless a time or two. Hell, most people are at least somewhat consistent with at least one of, if not all of those things. The awesomely self destructive person, however, will ALWAYS choose the risky behavior, and that’s what makes them so fascinating. Yes, they’d like some blow. Yes, they’ll have a shot. Yes, they’d love to see what’s going on in that abandoned factory. Yes they’re incredibly interested in seeing what a fifty year old man’s penis tastes like. And, you know, etcetera.
These people are great to be around when you’re really young and shit’s all new and exciting and your options are really somewhat limited by your youth and their actions are a little bit excusable for the same reason. BUT, habitually self destructive people tend to age kind of poorly. Okay, perfect example: the guy fucking the forty five year old in the bathroom and texting his girlfriend? Sure, he’s kind of a scumbag, but the adventurousness of it can’t really be denied. SHE, the forty five year old, is ALSO probably an awesomely self destructive individual…but it’s just not as exciting getting all wasted and getting boned in the bathroom when you’re forty five, is it? Maybe it is. I don’t know.
Here’s what I do know…I’ve had some friends that fit this description at least somewhat…guys and girls, and they’re fun. Bottom line. To use an old expression, they’re killing themselves to live, and hey, they’re gonna be doing it whether or not you’re hanging around, so you might as well be there to tell them what they did in the morning. OH! This brings me to my next group….
Judgy assholes-
This fucking douche is the guy who calls you in the morning and says “do you remember ANYTHING from last night? I need to tell you what happened..” and then proceeds to try to shame you. It’s not just with drinking or getting fucked up. The judgy asshole has everything figured out and wastes no time making you feel like a sack of shit for not having the same ideas figured out the same way. Maybe, they don’t watch tv. They think it’s stupid and base and destructive and it makes people into sheep or something (just for example) SO, when you ask them if they caught the last American Idol, they puff up and give you some snide and pitying look and talk about how television is dumb and base and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Oh, are you eating fast food? That’s just revolting. Are those jeans expensive? How much? Really? How retarded can you be? Did you say that you actually LIKE driving? Cars are the single biggest problem on the earth today! You say you un-ironically like Pearl Jam? Wow. That’s some taste you have. I can’t BELIEVE that you were talking to that guy so closely! You have a boyfriend, you know!
You get the idea. This asshole has what’s best for you all figured out and the smugness is overwhelming. The worst part about these dudes/chicks? They have NO IDEA that this is their program. As far as they’re concerned, they’re just good people helping other people out. Even if you came out and said “hey asshole! Quit judging me. You’re pissing everyone off!” They’d just smile, shake their head condescendingly and say “okay, if that’s what you think is going on, I’m sorry” and continue pitying you from a smug, shit talking distance. I recently saw one of these guys almost get his ass whupped because he told a coworker of his (a busboy) that he (the busboy) was a pervert. He said it ‘in jest’ and they were both drunk, and so the judgy dick no doubt chalked it up to a ‘poor drunk Mexican taking a joke too seriously’ but I, who was not drunk at all, was sitting right there, and let me tell you, if he’d been talking to ME that way, I would have punched him out too. Dumb judgy dicks. Ah, I shouldn’t even let myself get worked up about these turds…it’s gonna ruin my day and I’ve got a ton to do. Speaking of which….